I went to bed early to try to get some sleep and was called by my mother's care home at 4.30am

aquarius58

Registered User
Apr 28, 2015
34
0
My Mum had pneumonia and I was 48 hours in A&E with her. She was in hospital for a week and returned to her nursing home.

Then my Dad was ill I was in A&E for 12 hours with him. He was in hospital for 3 weeks and was discharged to his home with a inadequate care package. I wasn't consulted about this and I'm struggling to cope with him.

Now my mother's care home called at 4.30am after I went to bed early to try to catch some sleep. She's fallen and they had taken her to A&E. I live a long way from my parents and I also have lost a lot of time from work and have a huge backlog.

I've just called her her care home to say I can't go. Part of me is thinking that they should have looked after her as they know she's at risk of falling. Another part of me blames the government for taking my pension from me which means I'm still working when I have two elderly parents. I'm so angry and tired.
 
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Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,776
0
Kent
What a horrible situation to be in. There are so many people on this site, in just your position...trying to combine working with caring...and not succeeding. The allowance for carers is a joke, so it is not an option to stop working, and I am guessing by your avatar, we are almost contemporaries. I was born in February 1959. I am ‘lucky’ in that I am not still working...but if I were, I do not see how my husband could function. I assume you don’t have siblings?
From what I read on this site, my understanding is that you are not legally responsible for your parents care, I’m sorry, I don’t know the exact situation. But, as the morning goes on, I am sure others will read your post and advise you. All I can do is sympathise...and I certainly do.
 

aquarius58

Registered User
Apr 28, 2015
34
0
Yes I'm 1958.

I do have siblings, and I have cut back a lot on my work which mean that I struggle financially sometimes. I'm good at what I do, so my work builds up sometimes because my employer prefers to wait for me to do work rather than have someone else do it.

What suffers most is my own health and wellbeing. I've lost friends whilst caring for my parents. They're free and want to go out, and I'm not always able to, so the calls stop. Also, I guess I'm boring because I'm so bl**dy knackered. The upside is I haven't lost all of my friends, so I suppose I'm finding out who my real friends are. I also don't get enough sleep, exercise or healthy food.

I know I'm not legally responsible for my parent's, but it's not a nice thought having my Mum in A&E right now getting stitches put in her head and I'm not there.
 

Fullticket

Registered User
Apr 19, 2016
486
0
Chard, Somerset
As usual I am rushed trying to juggle work and mother and of course washing, clearing poo off the floor etc! And mum lives with me... I just did not want to read and run. How do we do it? At what cost (financially and mentally)? And who in government gives a damn? Maybe our trouble is that we are all too 'nice' on here.
Hope your day gets better. Big hug.
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
Big hugs from a fellow Aquarian here too, although I do not care directly for my mum, i’m her only child & the responsibility for decisions made about her health & her support lie with me.
Myself & my fiancé are self employed but we wouldn’t be able to squeeze into my mum’s bungalow & live with her as it is far too small for all of us. We currently rent so the other solution we could have would be to rent out my mum’s house & then all of us rent in one place but finding somewhere suitable takes time & I don’t think my mum has that time unfortunately plus the upheaval of moving.

We all need to look after ourselves more. I carry a lot of stress in my neck & shoulders & have woken up in pain this morning, also not sleeping well so just taken some painkillers & gently exercising & hoping the tension will lift soon so I can get on with my day!
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,161
0
Don't feel guilty. I had this when long-distance caring, in my case for my father who had moved abroad and wouldn't return when he got his diagnosis. I got loads of calls when the hospital, where he had been for nine months (long story), discharged him to the state nursing home when a place suddenly became available. They wanted me to sort out clothes for him from 1000 miles away. I actually bought a load of easy-to-dress ones and sent them out by courier but they got stuck in customs for a few days. Cue more calls and guilt-tripping. But I was trying to do what little work I had left (self-employed work tends to dry up when you can't concentrate on it because of disappearing for a week every month) and we were selling our house because of that work drying up. Their guilt-tripping and the general stress led to me having a panic attack, high blood pressure and other ailments. You've got a right to a life. Take the phone off the hook for a few nights. You NEED to look after yourself.
(PS I sympathise on the pension. I'm a few days the wrong side of the cut-off! xx)
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
Am sorry to hear that your parents both have had problems recently and tgat your mum was taken to hospital last night. I think I would speak to the care home manager about the way forward. Even if in the middle of the night dad's nursing home always phoned if dad had to go to hospital but that was as I wanted...he was very medic frightened so I wanted to be with him to help...Am not saying that you don't but we can only do what we can. If something happened during the night but wasn't an emergency they would phone me in the morning and so would usually go in or as I visited every other day tell me when I arrived all depended on how they said dad was or if the GP was due to see him that day. Seemed a good balance that worked well for them and me but it was a nirsing home so I had the assurance of a nurse being able to deal initially with anything...in a care home without nurses maybe the procedure is different.I dont know but think a care home has a difficult job and may have a duty to inform next of kin if the resident has one or indeed if that resident has health poa in deciding to phone as a medical emergency could worsen quickly and if they don't inform the contact to let them make a decision it could be too late if something happens. I assume that residents who don't have anyone at all then the care home just deals with everything. If you have already told them that you should not be phoned during the night then reinforce it with the manager. So I would have a chat with the manager and explain your views and put in your Mum's care plan...as my instructions were so that all staff day and night...knew my thoughts. I hope your mum feels better today and your dad is recovering from his hospital trip

Dad's risks of falls increased as he declined with many falls in the last 6 months of life... usually with his poor head taking the brunt .... as it is near on impossible to prevent some falls in a still mobile person in a care home or your own home unless they are escorted the whole time and even if he was still with me I couldn't have done that 24/7. I too am one of the 60 somethings who has to wait for pension but I had to stop work to go and live with dad after mum died suddenly and it is hard isn't It.
 
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DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
0
Surrey, UK
Oh, Aquarius, you have my sympathy!

The guilt monster that sits on our shoulders tells us that we MUST respond to every situation. So of course, you felt guilt, then anger and frustration, when you told the care home you couldn't go to your mum in hospital. But what were you to do? You have a responsibility to yourself, to look after yourself as well. Correction - that should be your first priority.

Not long ago, I was caring for both my FIL, who was very poorly with undiagnosed dementia and physical problems, and MIL who had mid-stages Alzheimer's at that time. FIL was rushed to A&E, and I felt compelled to go with him as he would have been terribly confused. The ambulance crew actually advised me to stay with my MIL as they could see that she should not be left alone. FIL was safe, they reassured me, as long as he was in the hospital system. So what was I to do? I took the crew's advice. I was only one person, and there was only so much I could do.

Later that day, my feckless BIL wandered by and asked where his dad was. (He ignored a text I'd sent him.) When I explained, he actually said that I'd been badly advised, and should have gone to the hospital with him! I realised at that point that it was ridiculous of me to assume responsibility for the situation when he (BIL) had no right to lay it on me, and chose to criticise me instead. It re-framed my thinking, anyway. But that's another story!
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
My Mum had pneumonia and I was 48 hours in A&E with her. She was in hospital for a week and returned to her nursing home.

Then my Dad was ill I was in A&E for 12 hours with him. He was in hospital for 3 weeks and was discharged to his home with a inadequate care package. I wasn't consulted about this and I'm struggling to cope with him.

Now my mother's care home called at 4.30am after I went to bed early to try to catch some sleep. She's fallen and they had taken her to A&E. I live a long way from my parents and I also have lost a lot of time from work and have a huge backlog.

I've just called her her care home to say I can't go. Part of me is thinking that they should have looked after her as they know she's at risk of falling. Another part of me blames the government for taking my pension from me which means I'm still working when I have two elderly parents. I'm so angry and tired.

It's all a bit too much really and so unfair and no you can't always be expected to just go. Try to hang on to some work if you can as it gets you out and getting out is good. Getting tired and angry is normal but it all adds to the stress.

Dad is not at the care home stage yet and still living alone but I don't know how long that will be for. I am in same position as you. No pension till 66 and I am just 61 but I cannot go on working. It is all I do, work and dad so I am stopping working next week. I am not entitled to carers allowance as dad is on the old DLA and therefore not entitled to Attendance allowance. As long as I top up this years stamp I will get a full pension but that is a long way off.

I will have to live off my husband. I have savings but I don't get the opportunity to spend money these days anyway.

Hope things improve for you.
 

aquarius58

Registered User
Apr 28, 2015
34
0
Big hugs from a fellow Aquarian here too, although I do not care directly for my mum, i’m her only child & the responsibility for decisions made about her health & her support lie with me.
Myself & my fiancé are self employed but we wouldn’t be able to squeeze into my mum’s bungalow & live with her as it is far too small for all of us. We currently rent so the other solution we could have would be to rent out my mum’s house & then all of us rent in one place but finding somewhere suitable takes time & I don’t think my mum has that time unfortunately plus the upheaval of moving.

We all need to look after ourselves more. I carry a lot of stress in my neck & shoulders & have woken up in pain this morning, also not sleeping well so just taken some painkillers & gently exercising & hoping the tension will lift soon so I can get on with my day!

Oh I so know what you mean. I hope that you have managed to get rid of your pain and enjoy your day x
 

aquarius58

Registered User
Apr 28, 2015
34
0
Don't feel guilty. I had this when long-distance caring, in my case for my father who had moved abroad and wouldn't return when he got his diagnosis. I got loads of calls when the hospital, where he had been for nine months (long story), discharged him to the state nursing home when a place suddenly became available. They wanted me to sort out clothes for him from 1000 miles away. I actually bought a load of easy-to-dress ones and sent them out by courier but they got stuck in customs for a few days. Cue more calls and guilt-tripping. But I was trying to do what little work I had left (self-employed work tends to dry up when you can't concentrate on it because of disappearing for a week every month) and we were selling our house because of that work drying up. Their guilt-tripping and the general stress led to me having a panic attack, high blood pressure and other ailments. You've got a right to a life. Take the phone off the hook for a few nights. You NEED to look after yourself.
(PS I sympathise on the pension. I'm a few days the wrong side of the cut-off! xx)

I've been having panic attacks and I believe it's directly related to caring responsibilities. I make arrangements for the care of Dad and then he won't let them in. His neighbour said Dad looks neglected and I don't do enough. I had a very bad panic attack and realised that there was a chance my parent's may outlive me and so I've cut right back and feel better. My phone has rang several times today and I didn't answer it. My children call my mobile ;). Poor Mum but I'm just too tired today.
 

aquarius58

Registered User
Apr 28, 2015
34
0
Am sorry to hear that your parents both have had problems recently and tgat your mum was taken to hospital last night. I think I would speak to the care home manager about the way forward. Even if in the middle of the night dad's nursing home always phoned if dad had to go to hospital but that was as I wanted...he was very medic frightened so I wanted to be with him to help...Am not saying that you don't but we can only do what we can. If something happened during the night but wasn't an emergency they would phone me in the morning and so would usually go in or as I visited every other day tell me when I arrived all depended on how they said dad was or if the GP was due to see him that day. Seemed a good balance that worked well for them and me but it was a nirsing home so I had the assurance of a nurse being able to deal initially with anything...in a care home without nurses maybe the procedure is different.I dont know but think a care home has a difficult job and may have a duty to inform next of kin if the resident has one or indeed if that resident has health poa in deciding to phone as a medical emergency could worsen quickly and if they don't inform the contact to let them make a decision it could be too late if something happens. I assume that residents who don't have anyone at all then the care home just deals with everything. If you have already told them that you should not be phoned during the night then reinforce it with the manager. So I would have a chat with the manager and explain your views and put in your Mum's care plan...as my instructions were so that all staff day and night...knew my thoughts. I hope your mum feels better today and your dad is recovering from his hospital trip

Dad's risks of falls increased as he declined with many falls in the last 6 months of life... usually with his poor head taking the brunt .... as it is near on impossible to prevent some falls in a still mobile person in a care home or your own home unless they are escorted the whole time and even if he was still with me I couldn't have done that 24/7. I too am one of the 60 somethings who has to wait for pension but I had to stop work to go and live with dad after mum died suddenly and it is hard isn't It.


Thank you for your kind words. Mum is in a nursing nome. She has continuing health care. I really don't think that they need to call me in the night or early hours. She is at risk of falls but I know that she's well cared for. My Dad on the other hand needs help and isn't well cared for so that's a different story. I think I just have to prioritise and I know deep down my Mum would agree.
 

aquarius58

Registered User
Apr 28, 2015
34
0
Oh, Aquarius, you have my sympathy!

The guilt monster that sits on our shoulders tells us that we MUST respond to every situation. So of course, you felt guilt, then anger and frustration, when you told the care home you couldn't go to your mum in hospital. But what were you to do? You have a responsibility to yourself, to look after yourself as well. Correction - that should be your first priority.

Not long ago, I was caring for both my FIL, who was very poorly with undiagnosed dementia and physical problems, and MIL who had mid-stages Alzheimer's at that time. FIL was rushed to A&E, and I felt compelled to go with him as he would have been terribly confused. The ambulance crew actually advised me to stay with my MIL as they could see that she should not be left alone. FIL was safe, they reassured me, as long as he was in the hospital system. So what was I to do? I took the crew's advice. I was only one person, and there was only so much I could do.

Later that day, my feckless BIL wandered by and asked where his dad was. (He ignored a text I'd sent him.) When I explained, he actually said that I'd been badly advised, and should have gone to the hospital with him! I realised at that point that it was ridiculous of me to assume responsibility for the situation when he (BIL) had no right to lay it on me, and chose to criticise me instead. It re-framed my thinking, anyway. But that's another story!


Oh yes I so agree with you. It's true your FIL was being cared for as was my Mum. How rude of your BIL! makes my blood boil.

It's so good to hear other people's stories. I'm going out with friends tonight which was another reason I didn't want to travel today. I'm going tomorrow - I feel empowered. Mum is VERY well cared for in her nursing home and the A&E she went to last night is excellent - I know it well ;)
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
Most definately she would and must be exhausting trying to care for your dad as well. Set the contact arrangements in stone and firmly with the nursing home so they are under no misunderstanding why when or if you should be contacted. I hope it all settles a little for you in the next few days
 

aquarius58

Registered User
Apr 28, 2015
34
0
It's all a bit too much really and so unfair and no you can't always be expected to just go. Try to hang on to some work if you can as it gets you out and getting out is good. Getting tired and angry is normal but it all adds to the stress.

Dad is not at the care home stage yet and still living alone but I don't know how long that will be for. I am in same position as you. No pension till 66 and I am just 61 but I cannot go on working. It is all I do, work and dad so I am stopping working next week. I am not entitled to carers allowance as dad is on the old DLA and therefore not entitled to Attendance allowance. As long as I top up this years stamp I will get a full pension but that is a long way off.

I will have to live off my husband. I have savings but I don't get the opportunity to spend money these days anyway.

Hope things improve for you.

Well done on qualifying for a full pension I still have 2 years to get. I'm thinking of cutting down on my work and just paying the stamp. My Dad gets the higher level of attendance allowance so I'm thinking of going for Carers allowance.
 

aquarius58

Registered User
Apr 28, 2015
34
0
Most definately she would and must be exhausting trying to care for your dad as well. Set the contact arrangements in stone and firmly with the nursing home so they are under no misunderstanding why when or if you should be contacted. I hope it all settles a little for you in the next few days


Thank you I will do xxx
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,161
0
If you live a long way from your parents, it's pointless them ringing you. It's not as if you can pull on a coat and meet them in A&E in ten minutes! Go out and have a good time. Going forward, think carefully before giving up work. Without it you can end up feeling you are a skivvy, especially because, in my experience, you may end up getting no thanks whatsoever and merely complaints.