My dad died in august last year leaving my mum who was diagnosed with mixed dementia in 2015. Sadly, dad never told my sister or myself about this and we were completely unaware as to how bad she actually was. My sister moved in with mum for three months but mum was so nasty to her, it made her ill and Social Services said we must see how mum managed by herself so my sister moved out. Mum cannot cope on her own, phones me on average 30 times a day, does not always eat and cries because she is depressed and lonely. She has refused any outside help from SS apart from an automatic pill dispenser. Her house is big, old and cold and shevis always turning off the heating and she cannot afford to stay there really. I have managed to find her a lovely retirement flat with 24/7 staff there, cooked lunch every day, an hours cleaning a week, right in the centre of a small town so she can walk to the shops, coffee morning every day and outings etc should she want to go. I think once she is there and seeing people of her own age etc she will be so much happier but i dont know how best to get her there without her getting upset. Social services say it would be much better for her than where she is now and that she is not ready for a care home. Has anyone else been in this situation? A couple of people have said to tell her she is having work done to her house and can't stay there for a few weeks. I know when she has stayed with me for a couple of weeks before, she had forgotten where she lived. I intend to stay with her for a few nights to get her used to the flat etc. Any advice would be much appreciated.
How do i move my mum out of her home into an assisted living flat?
- Thread starter Pickledbrain
- Start date
I am sorry I don't have any experience of assisted living...it sounds as though your mum already has specific challenges and needs from your description due to her dementia...it may well be difficult to get her there but love lies as your suggestion is probably the way to go. I hope that assisted living can offer your mum the right level of support.Hopefully someone else will be along who has been in your situation.
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Hello pickledbrain, and welcome to TP.
OK - I will be blunt here - I would advise seeking out a care home straight away for your mum. Don't bother with assisted living, or else you will get twice the stress of moving, not to mention additional costs. At some point in the future, your mum will need a much more intensive level of care, which assisted living places are frankly not designed for. I'm surprised that SS say it would be better for her - maybe in the very short term, but you need to be thinking long term now. Plus, if she moves into a care home now, she will acclimatise better than if you leave it until she is further advanced with her illness.
If you're really set on assisted living, do please check the small print. You will probably find that they stipulate that residents must be capable of self-care. From the way you describe your mum, she sounds like she needs care now. Plus, she will get companionship and stimulation in a care home, that will help to relieve the depression and loneliness.
I speak from experience, as my mother-in-law is now in a care home, after a similar scenario to the one you describe. She is clean, warm, well cared for, fed, occupied, and above all, SAFE.
I wish you well, whatever you decide. Apologies for being so forthright, but we so nearly went down the route you're suggesting, and I'm so, so glad we didn't. Take care. xx
OK - I will be blunt here - I would advise seeking out a care home straight away for your mum. Don't bother with assisted living, or else you will get twice the stress of moving, not to mention additional costs. At some point in the future, your mum will need a much more intensive level of care, which assisted living places are frankly not designed for. I'm surprised that SS say it would be better for her - maybe in the very short term, but you need to be thinking long term now. Plus, if she moves into a care home now, she will acclimatise better than if you leave it until she is further advanced with her illness.
If you're really set on assisted living, do please check the small print. You will probably find that they stipulate that residents must be capable of self-care. From the way you describe your mum, she sounds like she needs care now. Plus, she will get companionship and stimulation in a care home, that will help to relieve the depression and loneliness.
I speak from experience, as my mother-in-law is now in a care home, after a similar scenario to the one you describe. She is clean, warm, well cared for, fed, occupied, and above all, SAFE.
I wish you well, whatever you decide. Apologies for being so forthright, but we so nearly went down the route you're suggesting, and I'm so, so glad we didn't. Take care. xx
I am afraid I agree with DMac from her experience of assisted living and your description of how your mum is already it would seem that she needs more than this can provide. In some ways she sounds similar to dad who was in moderate stage when he moved into a care home and for all the reasons that DMac has listed for her MIL. I am surprised SS thought assisted living would meet the needs of your mum now and into the future. I hope that you are able to come to a decision that you and ypur sisters feel happy with for your mum pickledbrain...it is always a tough one to try and cover everything but when it is so hard to try and move a pwd you don't want to have the stress for you or your mum of having to do it again as she declines further and the assisted living set up doesn't cope.
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Hmm I have a different take on this. I moved my mother into extra care housing after her strokes. Primarily because she wasn't at all happy in her own home and I couldn't be there full time so I needed the backup. I have to say I was pretty straight forward about it and she didn't waver much, but I do think that was down to our personalities. So if she doesn't want to move I don't have much advice.
What I can tell you is why it worked for us. The primary reason being: by this time, mummy found it very difficult to walk. So while she could get from living room to bedroom to bathroom she had no desire to wander. I mean, at all. So yes it worked well for her, until such point as she became basically bedridden.
Note- assisted living can cover a variety of housing. This only worked for us because it was extra care - wake up, bed time, bathing, dressing, cleaning and all meals and meds were provided.
What I can tell you is why it worked for us. The primary reason being: by this time, mummy found it very difficult to walk. So while she could get from living room to bedroom to bathroom she had no desire to wander. I mean, at all. So yes it worked well for her, until such point as she became basically bedridden.
Note- assisted living can cover a variety of housing. This only worked for us because it was extra care - wake up, bed time, bathing, dressing, cleaning and all meals and meds were provided.
I think the comment about your mother not remembering her home once she has moved out ("temporarily") is probably valid. My mother was taken into hospital in August for a physical health problem but her dementia was already quite advanced and we had a lot of concerns about her managing at home. Initially she cried every day that she wanted to go home and would sit in a chair with her bags packed ready to leave. When she was discharged in September she cried that she didn't know where she was and said that her home wasn't her home. At first she said "It looks like my home but it isn't my home" and she became very distressed. She was readmitted and still cries that she wants to "go home" but she has no idea where "home" is. She speaks now about various houses, from her childhood home to a house she had when she was first married and so on. "Home" seems to be an idea, rather than an actual place. She thinks the hospital is her new flat and that all the staff are visiting her. I know how hard and upsetting this is, but I think there is a good chance that, once your mother has moved out of her home 'temporarily' she may adapt and not really remember her old home.
One move will be unsettling and a second one very traumatic.
I'm with DMac all the way on this. It sounds as though your mother if not now, very soon, will need more care than assisted living can provide.
If you feel she is not yet ready for a care home have you thought of a middle road? Is it feasible to bring her a full time carer for the interim and then later make just the one move?
I'm with DMac all the way on this. It sounds as though your mother if not now, very soon, will need more care than assisted living can provide.
If you feel she is not yet ready for a care home have you thought of a middle road? Is it feasible to bring her a full time carer for the interim and then later make just the one move?
Ah! Thanks Jennifer for the clarification! I have to admit, the kind of assisted living I have seen consists of a flat in a complex with an on-site warden, with emergency pull cords in the rooms, so much more light-touch than the arrangement you describe for your mum. The kind of care your mum receives is similar to that provided to my MIL in her care home. The big difference is that my MIL is in a secure unit with a double set of doors with keypad only entry.
What you have described is what I would term sheltered care and not assisted living.
My understanding is that within the industry assisted living is an interchangeable term for sheltered extra care (which is rather a mouthful) and NOT sheltered so when I read assisted living on here this is what it understand it refers to, a care team on site and a restaurant on site.
My mum has been in sheltered extra care for coming up to 4 years now, it is absolutely perfect for her stage of dementia, she was beyond coping with living in a family house, and as she has needed more care I have increased the care hours. She makes her own cups of tea, gets her own cereal, goes to the restaurant for lunch and has a carer heat her evening microwave meal, plus meds calls, if she needs personal care this can be added onto the care package as well.
It is effectively a half way house between a care home and independent living (whether in your own home or sheltered).
If there is wandering or aggression it is not a suitable option, but then again if wandering or aggression arise, then there would likely be a move from one care home to another.
I don't really get the each move creates upset and unsettles bit, as when my mum had pneumonia 3 years ago and had to be hospitalised she didn't' recognise her flat when she returned, she can't remember her house of 45 plus years, and I think is actually less unsettled by the moves and changes than my MIL would be who is 90 but doesn't have dementia, as within a couple of weeks where she is has become her new normal. We can't predict the course of dementia so if a PWD would benefit and enjoy retaining their independence by being in their own flat (my mum has managed to express this to me) why not let them. It also has the added advantage that the monthly costs is the same as the weekly cost of a care home, although this didn't and won't affect my decision as to if or when a care home is required.
Ah! Thanks jugglingmum for the explanation! I realise I hadn't truly understood the meaning of the term "assisted living" - in fact I've never even seen anything like the arrangement you describe - so I apologise if my advice is misleading. 
Of course, if the care package on offer with assisted living is right and the PWD is willing to accept it, it must be worth a try. I would still give the advice to read the small print, though, just to make sure the proposed move is the right one!
Of course, if the care package on offer with assisted living is right and the PWD is willing to accept it, it must be worth a try. I would still give the advice to read the small print, though, just to make sure the proposed move is the right one!
Thank you all for your advice, she is still quite capable but cannot manage in her own, large, cold house which is a mile from any shop and on a road where vehicles are doing 60mph plus, I am 25 miles away and work, so cannot be there every day. My problem is, although I have found somewhere warm, safe, with 24/7 staff on site, meals and company, how do i tell her that is where she is going to live. I get 20/40 phone calls from her every daybsaying how unhappy she is living there and how lonely, but then once in a while she says she is perfectly fine living there. I just have no idea how to tell her. Has anyone else been in this situation?
I think this situation calls for love lies. Tell your mum that you've booked a nice retreat for her, just for a few days, until she feels better. Say it's doctor's orders. Talk to the warden or manager at her new accommodation. They will be able to advise you, as they will most likely have experienced this before.
When she asks to go home - and she probably will, at some point - just tell her she needs to stay a little while longer yet. That's the best I can suggest, though I guess how successful this strategy might be, would depend upon how advanced your mum is with her illness.
There are many examples of people telling love lies to their PWD on this site, for situations similar to yours. It feels wrong at first, but it gets easier with practice. In my case, I had to take my MIL to a care home for respite. I told her we were going out for a coffee. I made an excuse to go to the toilet, and left her there with the care staff (I did discuss the plan them beforehand). She's still there, 18 months later!
When she asks to go home - and she probably will, at some point - just tell her she needs to stay a little while longer yet. That's the best I can suggest, though I guess how successful this strategy might be, would depend upon how advanced your mum is with her illness.
There are many examples of people telling love lies to their PWD on this site, for situations similar to yours. It feels wrong at first, but it gets easier with practice. In my case, I had to take my MIL to a care home for respite. I told her we were going out for a coffee. I made an excuse to go to the toilet, and left her there with the care staff (I did discuss the plan them beforehand). She's still there, 18 months later!
This is really sad but...the dementia will most likely stop the phone calls, eventually. My MIL was the same with constant calling, but this phase only lasted a short time for her as she quickly forgot how to use a phone. Meanwhile, there is the call screening option available on most phones these days. Tough advice to take, but maybe just let the calls go to voicemail once in a while?
