Husband gone into nursing home emotions all over the place

[jennypie]

is it normal to be so tearfull and sad? The house feels empty. I feel as if I'm grieving. He went into hospital before Christmas went 'off legs' now needs 24 hour care hoisting etc was a very hard decision not taken lightly, I know he's getting as good care as possible but I just feel as if I've lost my purpose in life!

 

[Beate]

Very normal I'm afraid. I've gone through the same. When I cancelled OHs mobile phone contract as he'd gone into a nursing home, they connected me to their bereavement team...

 

[Shedrech]

hello @jennypie
of course it's normal - you weren't planning on this being the life you you and your husband would leave - you are grieving, for the loss of the man he was, for the loss of your future together, for your husband and for the fact that you are not quite completely a wife yet not a widow, some members call it being a midow
you have found a good home for your husband so that you can both have a team of carers to support you
you are still very much a part of his life and he of yours - he still needs the care and love of his wife
it'll take time for you to discover a routine that works for you, but you will
for now, don't expect too much of yourself, go with the flow

 

[canary]

Yes, its very normal. It will take both he and you several weeks to adjust.
You will find that there will still be plenty for you to do and the staff, residents and their family will become like an extended family to you.

When I cancelled OHs mobile phone contract as he'd gone into a nursing home, they connected me to their bereavement team...

Ouch!!

 

[LadyA]

is it normal to be so tearfull and sad? The house feels empty. I feel as if I'm grieving. He went into hospital before Christmas went 'off legs' now needs 24 hour care hoisting etc was a very hard decision not taken lightly, I know he's getting as good care as possible but I just feel as if I've lost my purpose in life!

You are grieving! It's very hard, this separation, and yes, the house can feel terribly empty.
When my husband went to the nursing home, I redecorated what had been his office, and cleared out all the stuff he had collected over the decades. I felt like I would rather do it while I still had him to visit in the nursing home, rather than leave it until he had died. I felt that would be too final, and would make a very difficult job impossible.

I wouldn't say it gets easier, going to visit your husband in a nursing home. But for me, seeing him happy, well fed (wouldn't eat at home), clean and obviously relaxed and feeling secure, made up for a lot! I hope you will find that too. xx

 

[Raggedrobin]

It feels a very sad time but you do get used to it. To help you through it, I suggest trying to write lists and work out all the things you can do to communicate to the care home how he best likes things. As said, it gives you something to do to feel you are still helping him.

 

[yak55]

is it normal to be so tearfull and sad? The house feels empty. I feel as if I'm grieving. He went into hospital before Christmas went 'off legs' now needs 24 hour care hoisting etc was a very hard decision not taken lightly, I know he's getting as good care as possible but I just feel as if I've lost my purpose in life!

I'm so sorry Jenny, I can't imagine how you must feel but for this to happen to a spouse I think that must be worse than it happen to a parent. Sending a hug to you x

 

[Kevinl]

Welcome to the "Home Alone" club Jenny. Two years down the line from my wife being sectioned I still feel like you do now. She was sectioned in the first week in January spent 6 months in a secure unit then went into nursing care 18 months ago and she's only 64.
I hope you make a better job of adjusting to your new life that I have.
K

 

[Sammie234]

is it normal to be so tearfull and sad? The house feels empty. I feel as if I'm grieving. He went into hospital before Christmas went 'off legs' now needs 24 hour care hoisting etc was a very hard decision not taken lightly, I know he's getting as good care as possible but I just feel as if I've lost my purpose in life!

So sorry can’t begin to imagine how you must feel, you still have purpose though and you can visit and stay with him instead of being the main carer you can be a partner again without the stress involved, you must be feeling really lost though not having him at home. My best thoughts to you .

 

[jennypie]

Thank you all for your thoughts I suppose the time of year makes it worse, couldn’t wait for the festivities to be over just added stress! I never realised that I would feel quite so deeply about someone who drove me mad closing the curtains at 3 o’clock getting ready to go out at daft o’clock constantly repeating the same old thing. But those aren’t the things we remember it’s the person they were when life was good the happy times that’s what we grieve for and one day hopefully itl be better for us all ... love to all xx

 

[Baker17]

Thank you all for your thoughts I suppose the time of year makes it worse, couldn’t wait for the festivities to be over just added stress! I never realised that I would feel quite so deeply about someone who drove me mad closing the curtains at 3 o’clock getting ready to go out at daft o’clock constantly repeating the same old thing. But those aren’t the things we remember it’s the person they were when life was good the happy times that’s what we grieve for and one day hopefully itl be better for us all ... love to all xx

I know how you feel, I’m so glad the festivities are over I couldn’t bring myself to wish people happy new year. xx

 

[wink62]

is it normal to be so tearfull and sad? The house feels empty. I feel as if I'm grieving. He went into hospital before Christmas went 'off legs' now needs 24 hour care hoisting etc was a very hard decision not taken lightly, I know he's getting as good care as possible but I just feel as if I've lost my purpose in life!

I know how you feel, I’m so glad the festivities are over I couldn’t bring myself to wish people happy new year. xx

Hi

Thank you all for your thoughts I suppose the time of year makes it worse, couldn’t wait for the festivities to be over just added stress! I never realised that I would feel quite so deeply about someone who drove me mad closing the curtains at 3 o’clock getting ready to go out at daft o’clock constantly repeating the same old thing. But those aren’t the things we remember it’s the person they were when life was good the happy times that’s what we grieve for and one day hopefully itl be better for us all ... love to all xx

hi I’m in exactly the same boat
Have longed for peace and quiet but now feel like my heart has been ripped out after 40 years happy marriage
I’m currently visiting 3times a week and long to see him but get nothing out of the visit only added stress
What are people like us supposed to do now?
Please feel free to message me if you need to talk love Wendy

 

[Lilac Blossom]

It's perfectly natural to feel as you do Jennypie. My hubby went to care home almost eight months ago and I am still devastated. I feel that I am in limbo - neither widowed nor single and no matter what I do I have this cloud of sadness overshadowing - I think it always will.

It does help to see the replies and to know others understand but it breaks my heart that after 59 years marriage we end up like this.

Love to all who are "in this boat".

Lilac x

 

[Loopiloo]

is it normal to be so tearfull and sad? The house feels empty. I feel as if I'm grieving. He went into hospital before Christmas went 'off legs' now needs 24 hour care hoisting etc was a very hard decision not taken lightly, I know he's getting as good care as possible but I just feel as if I've lost my purpose in life!

I never realised that I would feel quite so deeply about someone who drove me mad closing the curtains at 3 o’clock getting ready to go out at daft o’clock constantly repeating the same old thing. But those aren’t the things we remember it’s the person they were when life was good the happy times that’s what we grieve for and one day hopefully itl be better for us all ...

You are grieving for the losses suffered as the result of dementia and yes, we do feel to also have lost our purpose in life. But you have not, he still needs your care, and you will be caring for him if differently. Give yourself and your husband time to gradually get used to this huge change. And it can get better in many ways.

Keep writing here, it does help, and there are many of us who have been through this and many still going through it; we do understand.

Thinking of you
Loo xx

 

[sajimjo]

I have a taster of how you must feel as my partner has been in hospital for nearly 2 weeks. I am lost without the things I had to do. I know in my case I expect him to return home although I wander how on earth I will cope.
I do hope you find it easier as time goes on. Take care of yourself.

 

[christmas]

My husband was taken in hospital , and they told me he had to go in a nursing home , I know just what you are going though , peter is going tomorrow and my heart is breaking it hurts so much , I cannot stop crying , I always said he would never go in one but it's so hard to look after him on my own , the children. Have said I am doing the right thing he will get the care he needs that I can't give him , I know they are right but it don't make you feel any better I am sorry it's happening to you sending hugs to you we have got to be stonge for them and I know how hard that is , Christmas xxx

 

[Ngari]

It's 9 weeks since my husband went into care. It's been a roller coaster of emotions, so difficult. He is being so well looked after, which is wonderful.....I am feeling so lonely now it's hit me that he's not coming home. Sometimes I can accept that I can no longer look after him and know I need to look after myself but other times I want to curl up in a ball and not wake up. It's so hard.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to DTP @Ngari.
I’m glad you’ve found us as you’ll get lots of support here.

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @Ngari and welcome to DTP I’m glad you have found the forum it’s a good place to discuss feelings that are difficult to express to people who don’t understand dementia.
I hope now you have found us you will continue to post.

 

[Philbo]

Hi @Ngari and welcome

I know just how you feel, as my lovely wife has been in a nursing home for almost 7 weeks (though it seems like longer!).

After 48 years of marriage, it is very alien going home to an empty house. It's also strange giving over her care after looking after her for the last 6+ years.

Our wedding anniversary was just 2 weeks after she moved in there and I found that particularly difficult. I am dreading Christmas, as although our family and friends have been marvellous, this will the first time we've not spent it together. Of course we shall visit her in the morning, but it will be very hard to leave and get through the rest of the day.

You haven't said but I hope you have got some support at this difficult time - the lovely people on this forum will, I am sure, all be sending you virtual hugs.

Best wishes
Phil