Tears in the gloom of Boxing Day

[love.dad.but..]

Caught me by surprise...had to drive daughter to Greenwich 02 this afternoon so she could catch the Underground back to her flat in London as no trains at all running in the SE until January. Had a lovely few days of her being home. Had thought about dad Mum and brother at times over Christmas, at midnight mass, not visiting dad for the first Christmas but had been melancholy but not tearful.

Husband's leukaemia is in remission so after a terrible year of treatment and seeing dad's end of life which although sad for me was a relief for him...looking forward to a less stressful start to the new year...So why....

....as the gloom of twilight rain and mist descended as I drove down the motorway from dropping daughter off... floods of tears about them all!

Just like the illness itself...still an emotional rollercoaster.

 

[LadyA]

A sort of post traumatic stress reaction, @love.dad.but.. ? And also, probably, that slight let-down feeling after the hustle and bustle of the weeks before Christmas? We are all put under so much pressure by commercial interests, the media, nostalgia, the images of lovely family parties, get togethers, food, not to mention all the pressure to buy, wrap, give, etc. Even if we're a bit apart from it all, I find the general atmosphere of it affects us. Then, Christmas Day is gone, and a lot of people are back to work immediately, and the magic we've been"promised" has slipped away. You're certainly not alone in finding this time of year emotional. I think after Christmas, we tend to look back on the year past and the changes since last Christmas.

Personally, I always like to get a long, brisk walk in if I can, starting on boxing Day. I find it helps my emotionally and mentally. Fresh air and exercise - and, today, it was fresh air, water and exercise, as it poured rain!

You're bound to be sad, the first Christmas without your dad, even if he was ready to go. Chin up! Tomorrow's another day.

 

[LadyA]

Reply had posted twice.

 

[Prudence9]

Love.dad.but.., a big hug to you xxx

LadyA has summed it up exactly I think.
This is such an emotional time of year and you're bound to revisit each stage, especially this first year without your Dad.

I hope you're sitting in front of a warm fire with a nice drink, knowing you did your very best.

A contented Boxing day to you xxx

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thank you LadyA and Prudence9. I try and get out for country walks to clear mind and body and it certainly helps. Just now and again I suppose for us carers...the past...the present...we just have a blip of feeling a bit sorry for ourselves...sorry for our loved ones in illness...moment. back home in front of a warm log fire...glass of mulled wine and a mince pie...hope you are both doing similar

 

[Moog]

My heart goes out to you.

Emotions are so hard to switch off. A psychologist once said it takes at least 12 months to come to terms with any major life-change - relocation, new home, or bereavement. I suspect after being a carer and losing a person slowly over a long period of time the healing process isn't quick or easy.

Ultimately, it's good to let the tears flow. It physically/biochemically reduces stress levels, and is literally that old 'better out than in'.

I cried twice on Christmas Day - morning shower and later on the sofa - completely out of the blue. For me it was the realisation this will be Mum and Dad's last Christmas in the family home, or possibly last ever Christmas. The carers could only manage short calls for personal care so the rest was down to me - as was all the food shopping, present buying, writing their cards, decorating my house and their house, lunch and out traditional Christmas teatime, plus bathing, helping into pyjamas, AND keeping the mood light and the laughter flowing.

If you didn't cry now that would be quite odd.

Big hugs and thinking of you.

Moog x

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thanks Moog. My goodness you have a lot on your shoulders..it is amazing when we are carers that just when we think we can't possibly fit anything else into our carers week...we find a little space to do even more. What a wonderful way you are caring for your very much loved mum and dad. X

 

[Amethyst59]

This is such a moving thread...I am not so very deep into caring for my husband yet....but when I was caring for my late husband, I can remember saying to a friend, after I had cried....this isn’t me. I’m not myself. And she said, of course you are not yourself. This life is not ‘normal’. And that is what is hard about caring. We are living in a different world....but we have to fit into the ‘real world’. I’m not explaining this at all well. But sometimes, in a shop or something, I feel like I am an alien on a distant planet...just visiting.
And that is a constant strain. It is no wonder our emotions are all ove the place.

 

[Scouts girl]

7

This rainbow appeared on Christmas Day. I hope it was my dear mum shining her light on us all.

 

[wink62]

A sort of post traumatic stress reaction, @love.dad.but.. ? And also, probably, that slight let-down feeling after the hustle and bustle of the weeks before Christmas? We are all put under so much pressure by commercial interests, the media, nostalgia, the images of lovely family parties, get togethers, food, not to mention all the pressure to buy, wrap, give, etc. Even if we're a bit apart from it all, I find the general atmosphere of it affects us. Then, Christmas Day is gone, and a lot of people are back to work immediately, and the magic we've been"promised" has slipped away. You're certainly not alone in finding this time of year emotional. I think after Christmas, we tend to look back on the year past and the changes since last Christmas.

Personally, I always like to get a long, brisk walk in if I can, starting on boxing Day. I find it helps my emotionally and mentally. Fresh air and exercise - and, today, it was fresh air, water and exercise, as it poured rain!

You're bound to be sad, the first Christmas without your dad, even if he was ready to go. Chin up! Tomorrow's another day.

7View attachment 57939 This rainbow appeared on Christmas Day. I hope it was my dear mum shining her light on us all.

Hi I’ve just had to endure my first solo Christmas in 40 years and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster
My husband 80 has been in care home just 4weeks and although I’m so relieved to have him cared for by professional carers. I feel as though my hearts been ripped out
I agree that it’s a form of post traumatic stress syndrome
After being on duty 24/7 I’m now alone and it feels weird
I’m guessing that it’s going to take a while I feel bereaved but he’s still alive?
No one knows what we go through as dementia carers I’m seriously thinking of using my journals to write a book to help others I’m also grieving for my parents who have died recently both in eighties
Suddenly I’m an orphan and a dementia widow perhaps my tears are part of the grieving process
Hope that you feel stronger soon
Remember dad as he used to be and be kind to your self x

 

[Slugsta]

love.dad.but - I think tears are only natural and can catch us unawares. Having lost Mum 6 weeks ago, I found it much harder to wave my son off when he went back to London yesterday. The loss felt harder this time.

Wink62, I am sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds as if you are suffering from a degree of 'anticipatory grief' as well as the loss of the man your beloved husband used to be

(((hugs))) to all

 

[wink62]

love.dad.but - I think tears are only natural and can catch us unawares. Having lost Mum 6 weeks ago, I found it much harder to wave my son off when he went back to London yesterday. The loss felt harder this time.

Wink62, I am sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds as if you are suffering from a degree of 'anticipatory grief' as well as the loss of the man your beloved husband used to be

(((hugs))) to all

Thank you for your kind reply I agree that I am anticipating his demise but realistically he could live another few years with the excellent care that he gets
I just wish that it was over for both of us

 

[yak55]

Caught me by surprise...had to drive daughter to Greenwich 02 this afternoon so she could catch the Underground back to her flat in London as no trains at all running in the SE until January. Had a lovely few days of her being home. Had thought about dad Mum and brother at times over Christmas, at midnight mass, not visiting dad for the first Christmas but had been melancholy but not tearful.

Husband's leukaemia is in remission so after a terrible year of treatment and seeing dad's end of life which although sad for me was a relief for him...looking forward to a less stressful start to the new year...So why....

....as the gloom of twilight rain and mist descended as I drove down the motorway from dropping daughter off... floods of tears about them all!

Just like the illness itself...still an emotional rollercoaster.

Sending you hugs x

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thank you everyone...we carers are a hardy resilient bunch trying to cope and adapt to whatever dementia chucks at us but even months or even years after our caring job is finished things still go round and round in our heads I think the demands of continuous lengthy caring and always thinking about the practical and emotional needs of our loved one changes us and I don't think I will ever get back to be the person I was ... always a half glass full type . For me I sometimes can't seem to switch my brain off from the past caring years.... often halfway through the night hence joining Izzy in the wide awake club last night. Sleep well everyone I hope your pwd has a restful night