Sometimes I wish

[blowingbubbles]

I posted on here last in January, when we were getting a diagnosis for my Dad who has Alzheimer's.

Since this time he has been diagnosed and has got steadily worse. Whereas before he got confused as to where he was about once every two days, now it is constant, all day every day. He believes he is in the army, in India, where he was in the war, and that at any moment he will be called up to fight. He packs up his things and puts his coat on and asks to go home. He can't do much for himself - today he tried making a cup of tea, using the wrong type of tea and six teabags. He doesn't know who I am, and talks to my Mum about her, so clearly he doesn't know who she is either. He regularly asks for his Mum and Dad, who died over twenty years ago. He walks around the house not knowing what he is doing. He hides everything to do with money and thinks people are stealing his things. He is really suspicious and always accuses my Mum of taking his money. He is horrible to her, and she is horrible back. He is so depressed and just mopes around the whole time, and we told the GP this but he did nothing about it and is so rubbish and uncaring. Last week he actually cried, which he has never done in my whole lifetime of 17 years and never even whilst my Mum has known him.

I hate him. This year at school I wasn't coping very well with everything which ended up with me firstly getting suspended for getting drunk (it's a boarding school and I used to board twice a week), and then getting drunk and overdosing, with the school, which started off being supportive, then deciding that they couldn't be bothered to try to give me any support any more and being really horrible.

I know none of this is Dad's fault - he can't help having Alzheimer's, and everything at school I brought on myself, but I hate him so much, and sometimes I wish he was dead.

 

[connie]

Dear blowing bubbles,
I sympathise with you and your mum in this situation. I know just how hard it is having been a hands on carer for my partner for the last 7 years. I do understand how you have come to feel as you do.

However the one person who cannot help their thoughts and behaviour in all this is your dear dad. If mum is finding it hard to cope then she needs to ask for extra help.

She may have to shout a little but, back to the GP, then dads Social worker, or anyone else who has had contact since dad was referred. Mum may also need to see the doctor on her own behalf. She made need help herself to come to terms with the illness.

As for yourself, please try not to hate. Channel that energy, and hate takes energy, into finding ways to help your parents through this sad time.

I know none of this is Dad's fault - he can't help having Alzheimer's, and everything at school I brought on myself, but I hate him so much, ....................

Please give yourself and dad a chance.

Thank you for talking to us here on TP. We are always ready to listen. I hope it has helped to get some things off your chest.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello:

It is wonderful that you are prepared to post here. It is an excellent site. You do need help to accept this situation (not that any of us closely involved can call it 'acceptance'.

Have you talked to your Mum about you overdosing and getting drunk? It is understandable but just not the right way to help your Mum and Dad and yourself.

If you went to your Head (or whoever you think suitable) - can you ask to see a Counsellor to help you through this. Be clear - tell them you have a big emotional problem about your Dad and that is the reason for your problems. It is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and you do need help (as we all do when facing a dementia problem).

Please keep posting here if it helps. Many more will come to your aid, I am sure of that.

Bless you for airing it here - you are one special daughter.

Love Jan

 

[sue38]

Hi Blowing Bubbles,

A lot of us here on TP resort to the odd glass or two when we are dealing with the horrors of Alzheimers (AD), but most of us have no one to answer to but our livers. Not so in your case. Please don't blow your education, it is so important to you and your parents BUT MOST OF ALL TO YOU. You should speak with your head of year and explain the pressures you are under. Don't be embarrassed, AD is an illness in the same way cancer or heart disease is an illness.

Did you hate your Dad before AD? If not I would say it is AD you hate, not your Dad.

You are very young to be going through this. At 40 I feel I am too young so God knows how you feel.

Does your school have counselling facilties? If so, use them. Your anger is understandable but please don't let it destroy you and your opportunities.

Sorry if I sound like an old nag. Sound off here any time, there is always someone to listen.

 

[Deexox]

Dear Blowing Bubbles

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. I'm Dee and I'm 20 and I have been helping care from my Grandad for the past 4/5 years. I was 15 when he was diagnosed and he rapidly declined. I can empathise with what you are felling I totally understand I felt that way too. I was angry at him and couldn't understand why he was being so difficult. I would come home every day from school and look after him, I would think it wasn't fair and he was a growm man he should be able to look after himself, he was supposed to be taking care of me not the other way around. But then after a few months I realised he DIDN'T CHOOSE to get AD he wasn't doing this ON PURPOSE. He needed us to be there for him and help him. He will keep regressing and I know its hard when he doesn't know who you are but I found it easier when I accepted that he wasn't going to get any better. Paranoia and OCD are common in AD and after the obsession with money my Granda went on to believeing we were trying to Kill him.

With regard to school you need to talk to whoever in your school that you feel comfortable with. Your education is one of the most important things in your life. Without an education you will go nowhere.

Also it sounds like your mum needs help get her to talk to her GP, your dad's social worker anyone and everyone until she gets the help she needs. If she can't accept your dad's condition it is only going to cause problems.

I'm here if you ever need to talk.

Love,
Dee xoxoxoxox

 

[Margarita]

Did you hate your Dad before AD? If not I would say it is AD you hate, not your Dad.

Yes I was also going to say that, as I use to feel like that towards my mother then realize that it was the disease I hate not my mother , even thought mum & I never had a great relationships before AZ .

It seem now as I look back at that time ( as all the symptoms your father showing was Just like my mother ) all that I felt , think of was the past negative memory of are past relationship right back into my childhood .

I must say that when my mother was given medication for AZ , it made those symptoms subsided in her , It made me feel more positive, reminding me of my positive moments with my mother before AZ.

It must be so emotional hard for you seeing your father like he is now . I also hope you seek counseling.

what help me better then Counseling was . Cognitive recognized Physiotherapy which I found better then counseling , as I found counseling was Just me talking about my issue all the same to someone, which made me feel like I was going around in a circle in my mind busy going no where .

Where with Cognitive recognized Physiotherapy, then guide you along the way to help you recognized Cognitively what is happening to you , so advising you to how to cope Cognitively when they a lot of traumatic stress going on in your life .

 

[Suzanna]

Hi Blowing Bubbles

Hey there,

A lot of people have already said a lot of very important things about the importance of education and working out whether your anger is actually directed at your Dad or at the illness, all of which i would totally agree with.

I just wanted to add a few things, I really want to stress that although everyone is different and it is impossible for me to say that i know how you feel, i genuinely have an understanding of where you are coming from - I was only 19 when my Mum got AD and i remember all to well how i felt. I used to feel like i hated Mum, and that would just make me feel so guilty that i would then hate myself, and then get angry that i felt guilty and so on and so on round and round and round. It is really enough to make you go mad.

I wasn't aware at the time, but i used to smoke weed a lot as it made me forget about everything and gave me a chance to be just like all my friends for a night. I'm not recommending this by the way !! - just highlighting ways in which we are perhaps not so different.

I could probably go on and on, but i just wanted to offer some support, and if you want to talk further just message me on this and i'll give you my hotmail address. I'm not sure what i can do to help but i'm willing just to listen (without judgement) if you want to rant. I know that school counselling can be a bit cringy ...

please get in touch, i don't want to think that your out there feeling this ****ty all on your own!

Suzanna xxx

 

[blowingbubbles]

hi,

thanks for all your advice and for being so nice!

I used to get on really well with Dad and tell him everything. I was a real Daddy's girl! I never got on with my Mum, so now I don't have anyone to talk to at home. So I guess it is the disease I am angry at, and not Dad.

The school originally said they would arrange counselling for me, after the first time I got caught drunk at school. But when I overdosed they said it was no longer possible, that I should get help elsewhere. They made me feel like I was a real psycho. I was supposed to go on an expedition to Africa with the school starting in mid July, which I was really excited about, but less than three weeks before I was supposed to go, they said I was too much of a risk and that I couldn't. I had a meeting with two deputy heads, one of whom was really horrible to me, treating me like a criminal, like I was mentally ill, and with no sympathy for my situation at all. Then they stopped me from going on my Duke of Edinburgh expedition, even though it was the next day! I felt so let down, and so betrayed. I had previously spoken to my head of year, who I had trusted; I thought she understood how I felt about Dad, but clearly she did not have a clue. They were just treating me like a difficult child, acting like they were being such nice people for not expelling me. I still feel so angry with the school, and everyone in it. So there is no way I would ever ask them for support or guidance again. There's my little rant over!

Also our GP is rubbish. The one my Dad sees has the emotional range of a cupcake and is reluctant to do anything to help. The one I see does not understand at all.

 

[Suzanna]

sounds like the school freaked out a bit??!

Hey hey,

hope you are well (as can be expected given all the **** that has recently landed on you!)

Sounds to me like the school got a bit panicked and didn't want to take responsibility for your counselling, i suppose they think they are doing it for the best - however - just because they want you to get more professional support does not mean they have to be completely unsupportive!!

I did Duke of Edinburgh (only Bronze level) - it's **** they haven't let you go, but if it is any consellation, the "award" isn't really worth much - hope that isn't too controversial - no one has asked about it career wise, and i don't even put it on applications . The Africa thing however REALLY sucks. Africa is pretty amazing, but, at the end of the day, i'm one of those 'everything happens for a reason' girl and if you were meant to go you would have, and i'm sure if it is something that you really really want to do, someday you will.

Its positive that you feel it is the condition and not your dad that you hate, i think that it is an important thing to realise, as it can help you feel so much better (i have found). It must be so much harder for you given that you're a 'daddy's girl' and that you are not as close to your Mum, I was more of a Mummy's girl, (it is my Mum with AD) so i do empathise, and i'll admit there have been times that i have thought about how things might me different if it was my Dad with the AD and my Mum who could help me through it... there is no answer really, but i do think i have become a little closer to my Dad as a result of the whole thing (no easy task as he isn't the easiest person to get on with!).

Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a personal rant, i'm just glad you are still posting here.

please use this place as a way to 'talk things through'

take care,

Suzanna xxx

 

[Margarita]

They made me feel like I was a real psycho.

Try not to perceive , feel it that way , no one can make you feel like that unless your feeling , perceiving it like that yourself .

You don't sound like a psycho to me , just someone that trying to cope with your feeling over your father .

Also it does effect your mental health , that why you did what you did . But does not mean your mental ill .

It was really mean of them to not let you do the Duke of Edinburgh award as I would of thought that would of been good for you to channel all your energy into. I also did the bronze Duke of Edinburgh award , but in Gibraltar .

May- be I don't know, that you had to travel some where to do some of it , so they thought you may be a high risk of self harm & they Just don't want to take the responsibility, because they not trained in that area .

I still feel so angry with the school, and everyone in it. So there is no way I would ever ask them for support or guidance again.There's my little rant over

( keep ranting its good for you )

Anger a normal feeling of Grief , you may not perceive it as Grief as you only hear about Grief when someone dies .

But you losing part of a relationship with your father, that you would of had if your father had not got a dementia.

So your grieving for that .

Hear a good read about Grief and bereavement alzheimers http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=170

 

[jc141265]

Hi blowingbubbles,

Was just reading this thread started by you, and could really empathise with a lot of what you are going through, even though now I am an ancient 33yrs old and Dad has had dementia for about 11yrs.
First of all, something you need to know is that you will strike again and again....'professionals' who cannot even come close to understanding how emotionally devastating and confusing it is to deal with your parent having dementia. Even though they are professionals the situation (of younger people with parents with dementia) is still relatively rare and unless you happen to meet an amazing teacher or psychologist, you are often still going to feel alone and frustrated by their lack of understanding. I don't say this to depress you, but so that you can be clear that it is not you who has the problem (or are psycho etc). Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about this lack of understanding in society generally in any kind of a hurry, and the worse thing you can do is let this ignorance make you publicly angry because then those ignorant people judging will see this as proof of their original opinion.
Secondly I know how painful it is to lose your Dad to this disease, especially when you were 'Daddy's little girl'. I too was Dad's little girl and didn't get on so well with my mother. The feeling I used to get when I looked at Dad being bossed around by Mum was this very sad, lonely feeling of having lost my 'team mate'. Dad and I used to have our little private jokes, exchange winks etc. It has hurt so bad to lose him and yet have him still here, so near but yet so very far away, gone even. I understand why you might feel like you hate your Dad but I like everyone else has would advise that you try to let go of the anger at your Dad and try to understand that he can't help it, that it the disease doing this to him. But I would also go a step further and suggest that as your Dad's team mate you don't let his and your enemy (this disease) destroy your love for him. It used to help me to think of the disease like a creature that was trying to take my Dad over, and then I could aim my anger at the creature and do my best to protect my Dad as much as possible from the creature. I wouldn't let it trick me into hating him, because I knew that was exactly what it wanted, I wouldn't give it the satisfaction. Does that make any sense? Or do I sound completely nuts?? Ah well that's what worked for me, and I believe it led to me being able to be a very patient carer for my Dad.
Anyways that all from me, today...these are very tough times for you, but at least they don't have to be totally lonely. It will no doubt be lonely in the real world you live in, but when it gets too much being the only one feeling this way in your world, just log on to TP and have a rant, and hopefully that will help you get through this.

Best wishes,