Christmas

[susanandliam]

well my husband picked Mum up from the care home Christmas morning and mum was happy to get here. She loved her presents and the day was low key and quiet, she didn't know it was Christmas Day not that that really mattered.

She had trouble putting one foot in front of another just getting in the house to start with and barely touched her lunch.

I feel we should have taken her back to the care home an hour earlier than we did as she started to get agitated later in the day and started wanting to take her clothes off.

We returned her to the care home which was an ordeal just getting her back into the car as she can't understand how to get in or out of the car anymore and the weather was awful. when the carer welcomed mum back asking if she'd had a nice time she responded no I didn't !

It left me feeling completely wretched feeling damned if I do things and damned if I don't . It's so hard to know what's right, Mum seemed to enjoy the day to a point but it was obviously exhausting for her and I wonder how much she got out of it and whether it's more about what I feel is nice for her than what she does. She's deteriorating all the time and things are getting harder and harder for her

It left me feeling upset frustrated sad and tearful hoping that my poor mum doesn't have to suffer this dreadful illness much longer, but then I feel so guilty even thinking that.

Shes nearly 90 and the illness is destroying her bit by bit it's unbearable

 

[margherita]

Hi @susanandliam ,
I' m sorry your Christmas left you "upset, frustrated, sad and tearful".
You have no reason for feeling guilty if you hope your mum's illness does not last long. Nobody can wish anyone else to be ill and suffering for a long time.
I wouldn't want it for myself. Why should I be guilty if I do not want it to happen to others?

 

[DollyBird16]

@susanandliam
Hi
I so get what you have said I feel just the same, I too tried to make things lovely for Mum and ended up feeling the same as you.
I figure we learn every day with this wretched disease and everything we do is out of love and care.
I know next year, will be different, happy I learnt that.
@margherita thank you i’m carrying those words of wisdom on guilt with me. X

 

[Bunpoots]

@susanandliam . I understand what it's like to try to make something lovely for someone with dementia and then it all falls flat. It happened to us a few years ago when dad arranged a rota for my mum so she wouldn't be alone over Christmas (she was in hospital) and it was all too much for her. But although it was terrible at the time, we'd done our best. That's all we can do, our best, and you know your mum enjoyed it at the beginning so don't feel bad about it. It's all trial and error with this disease.

I also know just what you mean about wanting it to end. My dad is 89 and I'm losing him bit by bit. I hope he goes peacefully in his sleep before things get too bad.

 

[Fullticket]

I found that letting go of any planning (only as far as the PWD's activities were concerned!) was the easiest option. This year mum stayed in bed on Christmas day. She accepted drinks and had two sausage rolls and a mince pie but did not understand the concept of Christmas and started to get cross when I tried to pry her from her bed. Other family members were sad she was not part of the group and a couple felt really cross with her for 'upsetting' me when I had done so much to plan the day - and they wanted to see her open her presents so felt let down. Maybe she could not cope with with the additional noise, maybe she was being awkward, maybe it was the change of routine; maybe, maybe, maybe. No idea. I opened her presents with her on Boxing Day and, again, she kept asking why she had to keep doing this unwrapping, what was it for? Who gave 'us' these things?
On the plus side my planning for the day went fine and I got some time off vegging on the sofa in the afternoon. It's the first Christmas she has not understood the concept, so that was sad but 'acceptable' if that is the right word.
I hope everyone had as peaceful a time as possible under the circumstances and are not digging yourselves out of snow drifts this morning. Anyone else notice that increased chocolate input equals increased faecal output (at frequent and random times). All chocolate items now hidden...

 

[susanandliam]

Hi @susanandliam ,
I' m sorry your Christmas left you "upset, frustrated, sad and tearful".
You have no reason for feeling guilty if you hope your mum's illness does not last long. Nobody can wish anyone else to be ill and suffering for a long time.
I wouldn't want it for myself. Why should I be guilty if I do not want it to happen to others?

Thank you Margherita for your kindness

 

[susanandliam]

@susanandliam
Hi
I so get what you have said I feel just the same, I too tried to make things lovely for Mum and ended up feeling the same as you.
I figure we learn every day with this wretched disease and everything we do is out of love and care.
I know next year, will be different, happy I learnt that.
@margherita thank you i’m carrying those words of wisdom on guilt with me. X

@susanandliam
Hi
I so get what you have said I feel just the same, I too tried to make things lovely for Mum and ended up feeling the same as you.
I figure we learn every day with this wretched disease and everything we do is out of love and care.
I know next year, will be different, happy I learnt that.
@margherita thank you i’m carrying those words of wisdom on guilt with me. X

Thank you for your support it's really appreciated it's so very very hard.

 

[susanandliam]

I found that letting go of any planning (only as far as the PWD's activities were concerned!) was the easiest option. This year mum stayed in bed on Christmas day. She accepted drinks and had two sausage rolls and a mince pie but did not understand the concept of Christmas and started to get cross when I tried to pry her from her bed. Other family members were sad she was not part of the group and a couple felt really cross with her for 'upsetting' me when I had done so much to plan the day - and they wanted to see her open her presents so felt let down. Maybe she could not cope with with the additional noise, maybe she was being awkward, maybe it was the change of routine; maybe, maybe, maybe. No idea. I opened her presents with her on Boxing Day and, again, she kept asking why she had to keep doing this unwrapping, what was it for? Who gave 'us' these things?
On the plus side my planning for the day went fine and I got some time off vegging on the sofa in the afternoon. It's the first Christmas she has not understood the concept, so that was sad but 'acceptable' if that is the right word.
I hope everyone had as peaceful a time as possible under the circumstances and are not digging yourselves out of snow drifts this morning. Anyone else notice that increased chocolate input equals increased faecal output (at frequent and random times). All chocolate items now hidden...

I agree about the chocolate input !

 

[susanandliam]

@susanandliam . I understand what it's like to try to make something lovely for someone with dementia and then it all falls flat. It happened to us a few years ago when dad arranged a rota for my mum so she wouldn't be alone over Christmas (she was in hospital) and it was all too much for her. But although it was terrible at the time, we'd done our best. That's all we can do, our best, and you know your mum enjoyed it at the beginning so don't feel bad about it. It's all trial and error with this disease.

I also know just what you mean about wanting it to end. My dad is 89 and I'm losing him bit by bit. I hope he goes peacefully in his sleep before things get too bad.

Thank you for your support and my thoughts are with you