What to do about dad on Xmas Day.

greenpea

Registered User
Aug 12, 2014
57
0
Dad has been in the care home for 3 years now and about to have his 4th Xmas there. The first year, he had only been there for 2 months so my sister and her daughters went there for Xmas dinner (we were worried he would refuse to go back if we took him out). The following year, I went on my own (dad was grumpy, said Xmas didn't mean anything to him) and last year, my other sister took him to her house.
This year, dad has said he doesn't want to go to anyone's house. He wants to stay in the home. We have said that one of us would go and have dinner with him but he has said a definite no to that too. One sister has just come out of hospital and my other sister and I really want to spend time with our grandchildren which we won't be able to do if we go to the home.
We are thinking of visiting him on Xmas Eve for a few hours but not on Xmas Day. He knows it is Xmas but we're sure that he won't remember us going whenever we do go. His sister died a few weeks ago. He's been told 3 times but reacts as if it is the first he's heard of it. Every time we visit, he says none of us have been to see him since he went in there.
Has anyone else been in that situation? We feel guilty for not spending Xmas Day with him but feel we are missing out on time with our grandkids and that he won't appreciate us going or even remember anyway.
 
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Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hi greenpea
your dad has said what he thinks, so I'd respect his wishes if I were you
you all have him in mind, you're not abandoning him, just taking that day to keep to your own plans - he'll be well looked after

about his sister's death - you have told him, so you've respected his right to know - now though, if he has forgotten between time, maybe tell a love lie to save him from having to relive that initial grief each time - find a few words that you feel you can say if he asks about her eg she hasn't been well so ca't visit for a while (a fudge of the truth) - if he doesn't mention her, leave it at that
 

JaquelineM

Registered User
Jan 8, 2017
162
0
north london
Hello Greenpea, my feeling is that as your dad has said he wants to stay in the Home and does not want you to go and see him you should spend the time with your grandchildren , who I'm sure will be delighted to have you there , why deprive them of precious time with their grandparents , when as you say your Dad forgets things all the time anyway , and please try not to feel guilty about it , easy to say I know and hard to do , but as they say " guilt is a useless emotion " ,just go and enjoy your grandchildren , obviously I don't know how old they are but I do know they grow up all too fast and I think we should spend as much time with them as possible :)
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
I don't see a dilemma here - he's already said he wants to stay at the home and not have you there, so you are free to spend Christmas as you wish. You don't have to feel guilty.

Plus, please stop telling him about the death of his sister - you're only making him grieve afresh each time.
 

greenpea

Registered User
Aug 12, 2014
57
0
Thank you for your replies. We haven't mentioned dad's sister again. The only reason we mentioned it more than once was because he had said he wanted to go to the funeral. We didn't take him as we felt he would think he was only being told on the day.

You are right. It's a choice between letting our grandkids spend time with us (not only us spending time with them) or spending time with someone who won't remember. It is difficult not to feel guilty as I've often looked at the other residents who never seem to get visitors and wonder how their relatives could abandon them.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
I think it's this expectation that you have to visit someone all the time or you'll be letting them down, and what will other people think! But unless you actually are in that situation you cannot make assumptions, as every situation is an individual one, and this is between your father and you, no matter what anybody else might think. So have a good Christmas, you deserve it. He won't be on his own in the home.
 

greenpea

Registered User
Aug 12, 2014
57
0
Thank you everyone. My sister and her two daughters and granddaughter and I
went to see dad this afternoon to give him his Christmas presents. He enjoyed having us there and knew it was Christmas Eve. As we were leaving he said he'll see us after New Year and seemed happy. We'll be seeing him before New Year but we feel a little happier now about not going tomorrow.

Hope you are all able to have a lovely Christmas whatever you are doing.
 

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