Christmas with grandparent and dementia

[Sje41]

My mother was diagnosed 3 years ago with vascular dementia and I am her main care giver visiting her in her home regularly throughout the year and having her stay with us at Christmas.
This year I am struggling to juggle Christmas with my family and my mother. She is extremely repetitive and at times very rude and generally I can cope quite well with her on my own, but when my adult children and husband are added to the mix I feel I have to be a buffer between them and her. I’ve tried to help them understand things from her perspective, but they still get very angry and short tempered at some of her comments. I now feel so drained and torn between helping mum have an enjoyable Christmas but also not allowing her inappropriate and repetitive conversations cause anger and upset between my family. It’s taking a toll on my mental health and I’m not sure how much more I can cope with.

 

[Chemmy]

Hello and welcome to Talking Point.

Oh, I remember that sort of Christmas.....

Is there enough space to base your mother in one room (say the dining room with a chair and TV ) which would give the rest of the family an escape option in the living room if things are getting strained? People could take it in turns to pop in to keep her company, which might actually be better for her than being faced with a larger group en masse.

 

[marionq]

In my husbands day centre there is a mix of people with and without dementia and they all seem very tolerant of each other. Recently a lady has joined who is frankly bonkers and has taken a liking to being in the company of my husband. John is a quiet polite PWD and I would say is oblivious to the fact she too has dementia. The surprising thing is that although she is demanding and rude and noisy in general she sits quite quietly when she is next to him.

Now he is not doing anything to bring this about but I am guessing the calmness and lack of reaction from him is having some kind of influence. He is also a smart and nice looking 84 year old so she may be trying to behave.

I guess what I'm saying is that keeping calm and being polite works better than losing your cool and I try to give myself that advice too.

 

[Sje41]

Thank you Marionq & Chemmy for the suggestions.
The only thing that occupies mums mind and keeps her slightly quieter is a jigsaw puzzle. At all other times and sometimes when doing a puzzle, she has to be talking, but that ends up being a stream of nonsense, racism, insults and fantasy. We sit for hours doing jigsaws, but there comes a time when the light fails and you’ve just had enough.
I’ve seen the ‘communication’ post on this forum which is perfect for guiding myself and family in how to talk to her, but it’s remembering the principals in the heat of the moment and ignore the automatic reaction.
I’ll try to keep the jigsaw going and hope my family don’t come into too much conflict and I don’t descend into the depression that seems looming.

Thanks again.

 

[Bod]

Give your adult children, the option of "putting up with Gran, it's the illness, not her" or having Xmas elsewhere.
They need educating, they might have to look after you!

Bod

 

[Tin]

I have to agree with Bod on this one. There is plenty of information out there about Dementia and as you say they are adult children, can totally understand if they were much younger.. Is it beyond their ability to just ignore what grandmother is saying and doing? At the very least that would make your position easier. I got very tired of trying to protect people from my mum and her dementia, especially when she would say such terrible things to people.

 

[Sje41]

Thank you , for your advice. I am perhaps a little too timid when it comes to confrontation. Maybe I need to be firmer with them rather than meekly trying to avoid confrontation.
I appreciate all the opinions.

 

[Prudence9]

Hi and welcome @Sje41, would it be possible to print off the compassionate communication post and ask them to read it before your Mum arrives?

It may make them think and prevent you having that awkward confrontation.

It's not possible to keep it up all of the time but it may make them put themselves in her position and pause before they bite.

It must be so difficult for you, hope you can enjoy your Christmas xxx

 

[Sammie234]

@Sje41

You always think if they are adults that they would have learnt a bit of empathy and patience with their own gran wouldn’t you but it isn’t always that way is it, our eldest grandchildren are only 13 and 10 and are so patient with my OH it’s lovely to see. Even when he asks for the umpteenth time which school are you in now, they repeat it without a grumble and carry on regardless. I do hope you get to have a relaxed day with them all.

 

[Tin]

Thank you , for your advice. I am perhaps a little too timid when it comes to confrontation. Maybe I need to be firmer with them rather than meekly trying to avoid confrontation.
I appreciate all the opinions.

I hope you can get through Christmas day without any confrontation.

 

[mrjelly]

Thank you , for your advice. I am perhaps a little too timid when it comes to confrontation. Maybe I need to be firmer with them rather than meekly trying to avoid confrontation.
I appreciate all the opinions.

You remind me of my Mum who was always thinking of other people, making allowances and excuses for them and avoiding confrontations. I can only remember one occasion when I did something silly and thoughtless over Christmas that she ever criticized me with any vigour. It still sticks in my mind thirty years later!

It sounds like your family have got so used to you taking care of everything that they don't appreciate the effort involved or the toll it is taking on you. Perhaps they need a bit of shock therapy to adjust their way of thinking. I imagine you are someone who hardly ever uses strong language, so if you were to do so it would probably create a much bigger impression on people. So my advice is for you to phone your children and swear at them today, saying you're fed up with them and if they can't show you more consideration over Xmas then they can bloody well stay away! Why should you have to struggle every day while they have it easy, and isn't it about time they gave you a bit of credit?

They might be taken aback for a while, but by Christmas Day they might have come to a better understanding of your situation and be a bit more thoughtful and considerate.

 

[Chemmy]

As someone who also tries to avoid confrontation with family members, I can feel your anxiety about having a disagreement with any of them. Things said in anger cannot be unsaid.

Could you, perhaps, have a heart to heart conversation with them beforehand about how the mere prospect of Christmas unpleasantness is causing you such distress? They might not be prepared to button their lips for your mum, especially if she is oblivious to it all, but they might if they understand what it's doing to you. If you then let them see the Compassionate Communication article, that at least then gives them a coping strategy.

Good luck.

 

[JanP]

Thank you , for your advice. I am perhaps a little too timid when it comes to confrontation. Maybe I need to be firmer with them rather than meekly trying to avoid confrontation.
I appreciate all the opinions.

I know how you feel though - it takes mental strength to be firm with your adult kids, which you don't have at the moment. I'm like you - frazzled!

Thank you , for your advice. I am perhaps a little too timid when it comes to confrontation. Maybe I need to be firmer with them rather than meekly trying to avoid confrontation.
I appreciate all the opinions.

I know how you feel though - it takes mental strength to be firm with your adult kids, which you don't have at the moment. I'm like you - frazzled!