It's in my head!

[DaisyCat]

So, apparently according to my OH last night, his memory problems are mainly in my head! He only forgets names..
And I'm influencing our son to be against him!
He can still fix a light switch, he can sort out the finances etc etc.. If he hadn't been to the doctors then no one would be complaining or have an excuse to say that there was something wrong with him!
Apparently that's my fault too, making him see a doctor in the first place.
It's my fault that I sort his tablets and give them to him four times a day, he's quite capable, he only lets me do it because it makes him feel cared for!!
So I ended up saying that he could sort his own medication out - I don't need to be doing it, he should keep as independent as possible. I explained that the reason I was doing this job was because he was forgetting to take his meds, but that if he felt confident then he should do it.

 

[karaokePete]

That's a tough situation and I have been through it myself. I suspect that denial is to be expected as no one will want to think that they have dementia with all that that may entail. Has your OH been diagnosed? When my wife got at me about her diagnosis one of the things I did was get a copy of the Consultants report from our GP as that showed exactly why the diagnosis had been made.

What age is your son? Is he old enough to speak to your OH and put him right?

I think it's right that you should let your OH be as independent as possible as that's what I do. After all the person is still there and will still have abilities that they will want to use to prove to themselves and others that they are still able to contribute. However, the meds is a tricky one as everyone may suffer if mistakes are made there. I wouldn't let my wife deal with her meds as she just couldn't do it. I would keep an eye on things there - maybe gentle reminders are all that's needed.

I see that your OH still sorts the finances. Have you both sorted out POA, Wills, separate bank a/c's etc? If not I would think about this while your OH still has capacity as problems can arise later if this isn't done. It's a horrible thing for your OH to face but Dementia is progressive and these things are essential.

I know the situation is hard for you and you will, time and again, push back. Every day I have to bite my lip. Always come on here if you need to have a rant or get support. You will always be received by people who understand your situation. You may get some benefit from the thread on compassionate communication if you seek that out as it is often suggested and I found it very useful myself.

Good luck to you and your family.

 

[Lawson58]

One of the things that first alerted me to the possibility that my husband had dementia or something similar was his paranoia.

He accused me of everything from stealing his money, hiding things from him, fighting with his son, literally everything. He insisted that I was always criticizing him, that I was worse memory wise than he was. He was first diagnosed almost four years ago with Alzheimer's and has just had another assessment at the memory clinic.

Reading the letter from the clinic reaffirming the diagnosis just made him cranky. Your husband sounds somewhat similar to mine in that along with the denial there is also a dose of paranoia. I think you are very wise in encouraging him to still complete tasks or help with household chores.

I find that one of the most annoying things my husband does is that even though he is quite capable of doing quite a lot, he will try to manipulate me into doing everything. If I let him get away with it.

It is difficult and it will try your patience. I try not to buy into anything argumentative and I do my level best to keep my voice at a conversational tone as it seems to maintain a calmer atmosphere.

I hope things improve for you.

 

[DaisyCat]

That's a tough situation and I have been through it myself. I suspect that denial is to be expected as no one will want to think that they have dementia with all that that may entail. Has your OH been diagnosed? When my wife got at me about her diagnosis one of the things I did was get a copy of the Consultants report from our GP as that showed exactly why the diagnosis had been made.

What age is your son? Is he old enough to speak to your OH and put him right?

I think it's right that you should let your OH be as independent as possible as that's what I do. After all the person is still there and will still have abilities that they will want to use to prove to themselves and others that they are still able to contribute. However, the meds is a tricky one as everyone may suffer if mistakes are made there. I wouldn't let my wife deal with her meds as she just couldn't do it. I would keep an eye on things there - maybe gentle reminders are all that's needed.

I see that your OH still sorts the finances. Have you both sorted out POA, Wills, separate bank a/c's etc? If not I would think about this while your OH still has capacity as problems can arise later if this isn't done. It's a horrible thing for your OH to face but Dementia is progressive and these things are essential.

I know the situation is hard for you and you will, time and again, push back. Every day I have to bite my lip. Always come on here if you need to have a rant or get support. You will always be received by people who understand your situation. You may get some benefit from the thread on compassionate communication if you seek that out as it is often suggested and I found it very useful myself.

Good luck to you and your family.

Thank you so much for your supportive comments. I feel bad moaning about the situation, especially as so many have much worse situations to deal with.
We have separate bank accounts and have made Wills along with POA. I didn't realise that there are two sorts of POA. We have the financial one but not the health. I have carefully mentioned to OH that he might want to consider POA for health because he's adamant that he doesn't want to be resuscitated if needed etc.
He doesn't want to discuss anything to do with dementia - he won't have the word used, he calls it his cancer, it's his illness and doesn't affect us apparently!

 

[canary]

One of the symptoms of dementia is anosognosia, which is where the PWD is unable to comprehend that they have anything wrong with them. It is not denial, they truly believe that they are fine, they are just the same as they always have been (although they will usually admit to a bit of memory loss) and do not understand why things around them are changing.

My OH has this - he is certain that he can still do everything and doesnt need me to do it for him, but he is aware that he no longer does them, so he tells people that he is lazy, or (more often) that I am taking him over and preventing him from doing things. He does not understand that he can actually no longer do these things and gets very angry if I do or say anything that disrupts his reality. I know that he will never be able to understand, so now I dont challange him, even though in the past I have said things like - well if you think you can do these things then get on with them. It doesnt work though as it just sets him up for failure, which is again all my fault.

Medication was a flash point. He kept on collapsing and ended up in A&E with incredibly low blood pressure, I discovered that he had been double dosing himself with his blood thinners and this was the cause! So now I do his meds. He complains and says he is perfectly capable of doing them, but I say yes, of course, but your hand is a bit shaky (which he will admit) so it is easier this way.

Thats the way - do it anyway and blame something else other than him (Im still learning this)

 

[DaisyCat]

One of the things that first alerted me to the possibility that my husband had dementia or something similar was his paranoia.

He accused me of everything from stealing his money, hiding things from him, fighting with his son, literally everything. He insisted that I was always criticizing him, that I was worse memory wise than he was. He was first diagnosed almost four years ago with Alzheimer's and has just had another assessment at the memory clinic.

Reading the letter from the clinic reaffirming the diagnosis just made him cranky. Your husband sounds somewhat similar to mine in that along with the denial there is also a dose of paranoia. I think you are very wise in encouraging him to still complete tasks or help with household chores.

I find that one of the most annoying things my husband does is that even though he is quite capable of doing quite a lot, he will try to manipulate me into doing everything. If I let him get away with it.

It is difficult and it will try your patience. I try not to buy into anything argumentative and I do my level best to keep my voice at a conversational tone as it seems to maintain a calmer atmosphere.

I hope things improve for you.

Thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one going through this!! It is a comfort somehow to know that others have the same issues.
He's in total denial.. more now than at the diagnosis. He will not go to the doctors or back to the memory clinic, in fact I had to ring them to take his name off their files one day when he was in such a mood about it!
I do try to keep the atmosphere calm and try my best to speak in a calm voice, it's just after a couple of hours listening to him going on and on, occasionally I snap at him! Then have to apologize!

 

[DaisyCat]

One of the symptoms of dementia is anosognosia, which is where the PWD is unable to comprehend that they have anything wrong with them. It is not denial, they truly believe that they are fine, they are just the same as they always have been (although they will usually admit to a bit of memory loss) and do not understand why things around them are changing.

My OH has this - he is certain that he can still do everything and doesnt need me to do it for him, but he is aware that he no longer does them, so he tells people that he is lazy, or (more often) that I am taking him over and preventing him from doing things. He does not understand that he can actually no longer do these things and gets very angry if I do or say anything that disrupts his reality. I know that he will never be able to understand, so now I dont challange him, even though in the past I have said things like - well if you think you can do these things then get on with them. It doesnt work though as it just sets him up for failure, which is again all my fault.

Medication was a flash point. He kept on collapsing and ended up in A&E with incredibly low blood pressure, I discovered that he had been double dosing himself with his blood thinners and this was the cause! So now I do his meds. He complains and says he is perfectly capable of doing them, but I say yes, of course, but your hand is a bit shaky (which he will admit) so it is easier this way.

Thats the way - do it anyway and blame something else other than him (Im still learning this)

Thanks for letting me know about this - I'm going to try to find five mins and check it out now.

 

[Peachez]

Thank you so much for your supportive comments. I feel bad moaning about the situation, especially as so many have much worse situations to deal with.
We have separate bank accounts and have made Wills along with POA. I didn't realise that there are two sorts of POA. We have the financial one but not the health. I have carefully mentioned to OH that he might want to consider POA for health because he's adamant that he doesn't want to be resuscitated if needed etc.
He doesn't want to discuss anything to do with dementia - he won't have the word used, he calls it his cancer, it's his illness and doesn't affect us apparently!

Sorry to butt in @DaisyCat , my OH is not as bad, has MCI, but so many of the things you say ring bells. The thing that caught my eye most was mention of separate bank accounts? All ours bar one, are joint. I don't have an income or pay tax, I rely on my husband's pension and investments that have been 2/3rds in my sole name for years now. I know we should be careful about how we move our money as SS may look at it in the future... Should I worry?

 

[northumbrian_k]

What @canary says is so true. My wife says that she has never seen a doctor, never been to the memory clinic, has not been diagnosed and so on. If I showed her the letter confirming her Alzheimer's diagnosis she would deny it or spend the rest of the day asking me "how long have I got". I am acutely aware every time that dementia is mentioned on the radio or television (quite often it seems) and she will often comment on the poor people affected by it, what must it be like etc. All this makes it difficult to get her to go to anything with 'dementia' in the title such as a dementia cafe or the day centre.

Thirty plus years ago my father in law had what was then called "organic brain syndrome". He had been an engineer and took apart the main light fitting in the lounge, which was made up of all sorts of odd shaped bits of wood. He couldn't put it together again so I was called in to do it - except of course I had never seen it properly assembled so, although I got it working again, it never looked quite right.

 

[canary]

Thanks for letting me know about this - I'm going to try to find five mins and check it out now.

You might find this helpful
http://alzonline.phhp.ufl.edu/en/reading/Anosognosia.pdf

 

[Sammie234]

Sorry to butt in @DaisyCat , my OH is not as bad, has MCI, but so many of the things you say ring bells. The thing that caught my eye most was mention of separate bank accounts? All ours bar one, are joint. I don't have an income or pay tax, I rely on my husband's pension and investments that have been 2/3rds in my sole name for years now. I know we should be careful about how we move our money as SS may look at it in the future... Should I worry?

 

[Sammie234]

I don’t know if this helps but as I’m a non tax payer and just found out I can give some of my tax allowance to my husband as he has a work pension for which he has to pay tax which could save you a bit of money from the taxman if your married or in a civil partnership. It’s on the gov website,

 

[Amy in the US]

@DaisyCat, remember, caring is not a competition. We all have whatever situation we have, to deal with, and we are all only human, and have limits. Yes, a bit of perspective isn't a bad thing, but don't think for a minute that you can't come here to vent because you think others have it worse.

My mother definitely had a lot of the denial and some of the paranoia earlier on, and it was hard to deal with. However, she tended more towards generalized anxiety than specifically paranoia, so not quite the same as what you're experiencing.

Getting her medications straightened out was a major help.

She also has anosognosia so there was no point in trying to discuss any of it, ever. Definitely frustrating and hard for me to grasping, but once I stopped trying to have any rational conversation, ever, things did get a bit easier for me. Compassionate communication suggestions can help, as can decent acting skills and maybe a course in improvisational comedy!

But at the end of the day, none of this is ever easy and we all do the best we can. Best wishes to you, and don't hesitate to talk about whatever you need to get out of your system.

 

[DaisyCat]

@DaisyCat, remember, caring is not a competition. We all have whatever situation we have, to deal with, and we are all only human, and have limits. Yes, a bit of perspective isn't a bad thing, but don't think for a minute that you can't come here to vent because you think others have it worse.

My mother definitely had a lot of the denial and some of the paranoia earlier on, and it was hard to deal with. However, she tended more towards generalized anxiety than specifically paranoia, so not quite the same as what you're experiencing.

Getting her medications straightened out was a major help.

She also has anosognosia so there was no point in trying to discuss any of it, ever. Definitely frustrating and hard for me to grasping, but once I stopped trying to have any rational conversation, ever, things did get a bit easier for me. Compassionate communication suggestions can help, as can decent acting skills and maybe a course in improvisational comedy!

But at the end of the day, none of this is ever easy and we all do the best we can. Best wishes to you, and don't hesitate to talk about whatever you need to get out of your system.

Thank you Amy in the US! I liked your thoughts on acting! I tried that yesterday after OH took offence at me being slightly worried about money. I quickly reassured him that he'd helped me and put my mind at rest and let's not discuss it anymore... all untrue but did the trick.