Life without him....

[Rageddy Anne]

THANKYOU for all those kind wishes...

Tomorrow is the sixth day of treatment and I've been driving myself the nine miles each way. Tiredness and a teeny bit of redness seem to be the only side effects so far, and all the driving has been in daylight, for which I've been glad. Today the appointment is later, and I'll be driving home in the dark and the rush hour...not so popular...

I've made up a hamper, a sort of lucky dip of small treats for the carers at Rob's Care Home, to raid in their coffee breaks in their rest room. But I can't bring myself to go back. Have set out twice, but just couldn't face going in. The last time I was there was the day after my operation, and the day he died. Our sons cleared his room, so I never needed to do that.

It's something I feel I should do, as I know I'll feel better afterwards, maybe tomorrow, as today is probably too busy.

 

[Izzy]

Ah that must be hard RA. As you say you'll probably feel better after you've done it but it won't be easy.

I hope things go well today. Especially for your drive in the dark.

 

[Saffie]

I can understand how you feel regarding returning to the home RA. I had to do so to remove Dave’s belongings but my daughter came with me so I managed it. Then I returned later with chocolates for the staff and books for their bookstall in the foyer with some trepidation. Fortunately the handyman, with whom I had had many a chat, happened to bein the car park and, seeing I was uneasy, took my bags and walked in with me. The Nursing deputy manager came to greet me and when I told her I couldn’t face going past Dave’s room she took me upstairs a different way to avoid having to do so.
I haven’t been able to go back in the 3 years since though.
I still miss them as they were such a big part of my life for the 3 years of near daily visiting but I realise that Dave and I were not that significant in their working lives. I hope you find it less upsetting than you fear. I’m sure they will be pleased to see you.

I think you have done remarkably in driving yourself to and from your treatment. The darkness will make it more stressful so I hope you will not be too exhausted afterwards. x

 

[Rageddy Anne]

THANKYOU, Saffie and Izzy. I did it and you're right, I did feel better and it won't be hanging over me....

A long wait at the hospital did mean a drive home in the dark, but at least it wasn't driving into the setting sun, with cyclists wearing black in the shadowy parts..Why don't they wear yellow?

More treatment today, but at least now I know what to expect. It did seem odd yesterday when I had two young male radiographer s to do it...they casually waited for me to strip off my top clothes...routine for them but strange for me! They give you a sort of large tissue for modesty purposes....but of course it has to be removed for treatment...

Somehow the shell I've built around missing Rob felt a little fragile a couple of times yesterday....had to swallow hard, and remember what he'd have said.. It would have been an affectionate " pull yourself together girl"and it would have worked... Strangely, it was the long wait at the hospital that tested me, as the majority of patients had their partners with them.... So I chatted with a lady who was on her own, and didn't discover for ages that she had a husband at home. She was younger than me, and drove a disabled car, so yet again, I was reminded about Grannie G's saying...." I cried because I had no shoes......"

 

[CeliaW]

Well done on all you are achieving Anne. A big supportive hug for you and wishes for easier days. Take care xx

 

[Izzy]

Oh @Rageddy Anne you're doing so well. It's bad enough doing some things without our partners sitting there waiting and then the treatment must have been two of the hardest. I know you'll talk to Rob as I do to Bill and he'll always be in your heart.

Also well done on the drive. Yes the low sun is a nightmare when driving just now. I think I'd rather have the dark too. I hope it goes well today.

 

[Saffie]

I’m so glad you did it. As you say, it’s now not a constant pressure hanging over you.
You’ve done the drive home in the dark too which must have been a strain after the treatment. I hope you had a good rest afterwards.
I can see how facing your treatment alone when others had their partners there with them would have touched a tear duct or two. As I’ve always found, it’s the sudden reminders that hit the hardest. We are prepared do the big ones.
Take great care of yourself. This is a difficult time of year for many of us and especially for you.x

 

[Grannie G]

I'm not surprised you felt so vulnerable while waiting for your treatment @Rageddy Anne. You were.

I think you are being remarkably stalwart over this health issue, so soon after losing Rob and hope the side effects of the treatment are bearable.

The low sun is a nightmare for pedestrians too Anne. I'm considering buying a Visor.

 

[Amethyst59]

Anne...with my usual size 12’s...I will risk a joke. Have you considered an inflatable companion? At this time of year, many are available. Snowman, Father Christmas. Being inflatable there is no weight for you to carry. Will be someone to chat to while you wait. Or...you never know, maybe someone else there will say something!!

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Haha, an inflatable Father Christmas would be fun He could sit in the passenger seat beside me, and I could chat to him!There's a party shop in town!.............

Couldn't get to hospital today, a fallen tree closed the road, all day! Heavy snow here...missed the old Rob..He would have been up at dawn, clearing the road and the drives of elderly neighbours.Every window I look out of looks like a Christmas card, so beautiful!

No one has cleared my drive, had to do it myself...Feel like Eeyore.Missing Rob!

 

[Amethyst59]

Oh, Anne, you shouldn’t be doing such heavy work. Isn’t there a volunteer group at a near by church? It is so frustrating being so far away from people who need help.

 

[jugglingmum]

RA - sorry to hear you had to clear your own drive. Not enough snow here to need to clear ours.

As for cyclists wearing black, something we rant and rave about in this house, took dau to a cycling shop which sells a nice range of ladies kit but all the jackets were black and she wouldn't even try them for size. A reasonable rear light can be had for £5.

You are doing really really well, tough doing this on your own, but you've been tough when you looked after Rob, and you can do this.

 

[margherita]

How are you, @Rageddy Anne ?
You haven't posted for some days
Thinking of you

 

[Loopiloo]

Also thinking of you, Anne. As @jugglingmum said it is tough doing such things on your own. Yes it was tough caring for our husbands, but there's something about having to do it for yourself... can't find the right words.... tough in a different way.... Perhaps you get what I mean... It is not self pity but something else. The aloneness...?

Are you still going to your son in France for Christmas? If so when do you leave?

Love
Loo xxx

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Also thinking of you, Anne. As @jugglingmum said it is tough doing such things on your own. Yes it was tough caring for our husbands, but there's something about having to do it for yourself... can't find the right words.... tough in a different way.... Perhaps you get what I mean... It is not self pity but something else. The aloneness...?

Are you still going to your son in France for Christmas? If so when do you leave?

Love
Loo xxx

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Aloneness, Loopiloo. That explains it well.

It's been a busy time here with daily radiotherapy at the hospital, disrupted by the road being closed by fallen trees after the snow.. Plenty to keep me occupied and my mind off things.
I'd been wanting to go back to Rob's Care Home to say THANKYOU, and managed that on my third attempt...reminded myself of what he would have said...probably " pull yourself together woman" kindly said and it always worked...

It's been ten or eleven weeks since he died, and I was doing quite well, I thought. But in the supermarket yesterday I HEARD HIS VOICE calling my name. Of course it was a man with a similar voice. And then I saw his back view, but of course it wasn't .him.
I wonder if this is a normal part of the business of losing your lifetime companion.....drove home with tears that wouldn't go away...

Plenty to do today, so lots of distractions, but are tears going to feature more for a while? Since childhood I never let myself cry, and couldn't understand why my eyes were watering! Thought I just had a cold!

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Last therapy on Thursday, fly to France on Friday, back on the 27th, weather permitting....

With no daily therapy to keep me busy, I'll need to find some distractions. Good that the days will be getting longer..

My friend's husband died last week...he was in exactly the same situation as Rob. They were colleagues and friends but they lived in Scotland, a long way from here...
And another good friend closer to home, is visiting her husband every day in his Care Hime, to take food that's nearly, but not quite, a smoothie. When it snowed, and she couldn't go, he choked on his food, and is now having antibiotics for a " throat infection".

It hasn't been a good time lately..it does help to come on here and have a good wallow in self pity, and be understood. THANKYOU....

 

[Grannie G]

I HEARD HIS VOICE calling my name. ....................................
I wonder if this is a normal part of the business of losing your lifetime companion..

I hear Dhiren`s voice , or one similar, every time I play a certain game on the computer.

I'm glad you come to TP when you need to connect Anne. Its what Ive been doing for years.

Take care. Try not to do too much. You seem to be coping with your treatment remarkably well.

 

[Amethyst59]

Wallow away...we will be here to dry you off. I still see people who look like Norman...and it has been nine years now. I came very close a year or so ago...to asking a man who was SO like him, to give me a hug. I thought if I closed my eyes, I could pretend. And I haven’t admitted that to anyone before! You will be very glad to hear that I resisted the impulse!!
The ancient Greeks (I think it was them) used to collect tears in a little bottle...I think they could be sold. Every time you cry, just think how rich you could be. I tended to use tissues. In fact my lovely youngest daughter (real Tom boy, can’t remember actually seeing her cry ever) used to sit next to me when I howled and hand me three tissues at a time. Snotty, teary, spitty. She says now, it was her chance to have a cry, because no one could hear her.
I’ve just remembered. Those first few days we cried and cried. We had tissue boxes everywhere. Even in the Hall ways...then we had a rule, you could only cry if there were tissues in the room. My eldest daughter used to gradually remove them. So you’d start to cry, then she’d say...no. Not here. No tissues. And it would make us laugh instead. I know you are alone there, but you can hear Rob’s voice....and hopefully all of us with you in spirit. Take snotty, teary and spitty....and gradually cut down on tissue locations.
(By the way, I know it sounds silly....I know it does...but it works. My lovely eldest daughter who invented the rule of crying only if there tissues in the room, used the same ‘game’ when her beloved second little daughter was still born. She and her husband also played ‘sympathy bingo’. You got a point if someone tipped their head to one side and said, ‘how ARE you?’ You only get the points if the head is tilting. Stupid, stupid black sense of humour, but it works).
Lots of love x x x

 

[margherita]

Good morning @Rageddy Anne
You must be flying to France by now.
Hope (I'm sure) your son and his family will give you love and serenity.