Don’t know what to do now

[Lizzie50]

Hi everyone,
My story is that my dad has dementia and now Parkinson’s. He has been cared for at home by mum who also has Parkinson’s. She has recently been diagnosed with myeloma (cancer of the blood which causes bone fractures and bone pain) mum was taken to hospital on 10th Nov as she was unable to walk at all - at this point we (my brother and I) called ss to ask for respite care. We were told as Dad has savings (approx £35000) we had to find our own. We were unable to source any so have taken turns caring for him for past 2 weeks. Mum has now been discharged home, but still unable to walk far.
Whilst looking after Dad it has become apparent how much care he needs.. he cannot wash, dress, toilet himself. He can’t remember to eat or drink and giving him his medication is a daily battle that sometimes becomes physical (from him).
We have decided that he needs residential care, and again rang ss for help finding a place, again as over threshold we were told to find it ourselves.
We have visited a few homes - none of which have availability - and have put dads name on the waiting list.
However, we are now in the position of both brother and myself of having used up all a/l, carers days etc at work and with nothing arranged for Dad. Mum is very very anxious about being on her own with him so again I rang social services - they have finally agreed to come and assess him but this won’t be till the end of next week.
So what do we do to keep him and mum safe whilst we have to work - ss whilst appearing sympathetic couldn’t advise apart from saying for us to keep looking for a care home. They also could not answer why we weren’t offered an assessment weeks ago when mum went to hosp.
Sorry for such a long post but I really feel like I’m going round and round in circles banging my head on brick walls!

 

[Vix321]

That sounds so hard.

I found this organisation really helpful,
http://www.careseekers.co.uk
They were able to advise about local care homes that have vacancies, and will help people that are self-funding.

 

[Lizzie50]

Thank you - I had a talk with our local carer support service this afternoon and they were very helpful. I m just annoyed as I feel ss have been less than helpful and if they’d offered us an assessment two weeks ago we would have been able to get that done and started the whole process then x

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Lizzie50
I'm glad you are now getting some support - unfortunately it does seem that unless there is an emergency/crisis, very little happens immediately or even quickly
when you talk with Social Services use the buzz phrases, your parents are 'vulnerable adults' who are 'at risk of harm' due to your dad's dementia and your mum's recent hospital discharge and remind them that you know the Local Authority have 'the duty of care' so are responsible for their welfare and safe keeping
I wonder whether Admiral Nurses might be able to help - if there isn't a Nurse in your local area, there is a Helpline
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/
and Carers Trust
https://carers.org/
and this is a link to the main AS site's listings of local services - maybe an agency will be able to supply some emergency cover for you
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/homepage/168/dementia_connect#!/search

PS with regard to having your dad take his meds - take the line of least resistance - I found with my dad that if I pushed anything, his resistance increased - I would firstly calmly and matter-of-factly tell him (no asking; he'd only say no) it's time for his meds, smiling and appearing as though it's just one of those things - then put a pill in his hand for him to take (do whatever is best for your dad), sometimes just asking him to open his mouth so I can pop the pill on his tongue - if he said no I stopped straight away and just said 'OK, later' and took everything away - then tried again in 10 mins as if it was the first time - I also checked with his GP/consultant which meds were vital and which could be missed once; then I always started with the vital ones and didn't fight him over the others (he rarely refused every time) - his consultant actually told me that having a war with dad was not worth trying to win a battle over a pill, as he'd keep the negative emotion after he'd forgotten what had caused it - also ask if any of the pills can be crushed and hidden in eg yogurt or a drink (I even put a pill between two bits chocolate biscuit as dad very rarely refuses a biscuit) and some meds can be given as a liquid so potentially given in a drink

 

[Kevinl]

Two pieces of advice; it's a bit late for this one but never deal with the SS by phone if you can avoid it. When you asked for help they are legally bound to do an assessment on your dad and your mum too and if you and your brother too if you want one irrespective of your dad's financial position. If you request the assessment in writing or by e-mail then you'll find they're less reluctant to put in writing something they may tell you on the phone.
The other thing is I believe you should be looking for a nursing home not a care home, there is a difference. From the symptoms you describe your dad as having I doubt may care homes would accept him specially as medication is an issue.
K

 

[Lizzie50]

Many thanks for your advice and help, yes it makes more sense to contact ss by email etc rather than phone as I do feel that we have been fobbed off a bit.
The places we have looked at have been in specialist dementia units and so far they have not said they couldn’t cope with dad, and we have been honest about how he is.

Good advice about the meds’ and definitely worth us speaking to his doc about how strict we have to be with him taking them. My dad too loves a biscuit, so again that is worth exploring.

I will try and find out about Admiral nurses and see if there is any in our area.

I am currently on a run of night shifts so that is not helping the situation but will reply as and when I can to anyone.
Again thanks for suggestions and ideas x