My wife was diagnosed AZ and VaD 2.5 years ago. As her second husband I am almost her sole carer and also has her POA but her daughter tries to help occasionally. My wifes life now is besieged with thoughts of her early life and is now saying I am doing terrible things to her. She was orphaned aged 11 and with her siblings had her inheritance stolen by relatives. Later she received a small legacy that was invested in a bank which went bankrupt (no compensation). She married a GP who became an alcoholic (in denial) who was a womaniser and finally walked out on my wife left with 2 children and no money to bring them up after 30 years. He also took all her financial assets which she finally recovered after her divorce. When we married her nephew set up a business as a Financial Advisor and persuaded my wife to invest a considerable amount of money through his firm (he also persuaded me as well). Unfortunately he was a sociopath who was addicted to gambling spent the investments on the race courses etc and ended up in prison. My wife had no records of the money that she gave him but I had. I received compensation but she received nothing. My wife has been very secretive over her investments, rarely told anybody what she was doing and has overall been very successful. As her POA sorting out her investments is a story in itself. Now with her dementia she thinks I have taken all her money, I am trying to take her house away from her and that every time I go out to the local shop I am going to see my mistress. She thinks I love her daughter more than her and we are conspiring to take everything away from her. She hates strangers coming to the house and all the social workers who have visited she thinks I want to start affairs with them. She is so frightened that I will leave her that she will not let me out of the house without her coming, that includes the dentists and my GP's surgery. She also thinks I keep her at home, have taken her car away from her, so she will not spend any money and there will be more left when she dies. I have tried to get a carer so that I can get some time for myself but my wife took against her (my wife has also become xenophobic and will not go into supermarkets which she says are full of foreigners. Every day it is repetitious questions starting with 'where is my money'. A couple of weeks ago I snapped and started shouting at her and swearing at her (never done before in 30 years of marriage). I was angry because AZ is destroying my life as well as hers. I have no friends now or any social life except my wifes friends at church (I am not religious but love walking). I went to my GP and she told me I should get a carer to come to our home without telling my wife until she arrived and then leave without telling my wife where I was going and not to get into any arguments, just don't look back and go and leave the carer to sort out the mess. I hate to think about what will happen once the carer leaves it will be World War 3 starting in our home.I feel that if I set up this situation I will be disloyal to my wife and she will say I am unfaithful to her as well. Everything in my wifes mind are the negative parts of her past life that she is reinterpreting everything as though I am the perpetrator of everything. I need a carer so I can get some space for myself but wouldn't it better to I introduce the carer into our home before leaving the carer looking after my wife whilst I went for a walk with one of our local walking groups. Sorry this has been long but its only 10% of a convoluted story. Any thoughts anyone?
I need help as a sole carer
- Thread starter Mistergrumpy
- Start date
hello @Mistergrumpy
a warm welcome to TP
what a great deal of pressure you are under - everyone needs some time for themselves and that is clearly difficult for you
sadly it is not uncommon for partners with a diagnosis to behave in the ways you describe, and no doubt for your wife these symptoms are influenced by her past
I am not at all sure about the GP's advice - a very experienced carer might cope, but you cannot be sure
I wonder whether it may be better to have some respite with your wife at a day care centre so that she will be well looked after by a team, entertained and have lunch, while you have a chance for walking - that way you aren't having to leave someone alone with her in her home, nd build up her reitance to home care visits, whi h you may well need to help you with personal care in the future
have you contacted your Local Authority's Adult Services foran assessment of her care needs (she has a right to this, as you do to a carer's assessment), as then day care could be organised by them
a warm welcome to TP
what a great deal of pressure you are under - everyone needs some time for themselves and that is clearly difficult for you
sadly it is not uncommon for partners with a diagnosis to behave in the ways you describe, and no doubt for your wife these symptoms are influenced by her past
I am not at all sure about the GP's advice - a very experienced carer might cope, but you cannot be sure
I wonder whether it may be better to have some respite with your wife at a day care centre so that she will be well looked after by a team, entertained and have lunch, while you have a chance for walking - that way you aren't having to leave someone alone with her in her home, nd build up her reitance to home care visits, whi h you may well need to help you with personal care in the future
have you contacted your Local Authority's Adult Services foran assessment of her care needs (she has a right to this, as you do to a carer's assessment), as then day care could be organised by them
Hello you have come to the right place for support, so many people will recognise all you have posted- I am in a very similar position to you with my mum who has had to stop her Alzheimer's medication and now is very unstable. Sadly she doesn't trust my brother and I any longer and believes we are spending all her money , swapping her clothes with ours and generally plotting against her. Nothing's prepares you for the verbal abuse.
Do you have a dementia support nurse? And def find a good day centre for your wife to visit, your wellbeing is very important. Have no guilt you are trying your very best in a very difficult situation and to be honest the road is long so take all the support on offer. Use this site often if only to read other people's post as a means of support and to keep your sanity. We have carers in 3 times a day but it is not enough. Hang in there will be better days too.
My OH goes to a day centre one day a week. I thought he would hate it but he has made friends there. Your situation sounds so hard, and you do need to get some time to yourself...and some time to walk. If you get a regular break, then everything becomes so much easier to cope with.
Thanks for the information. Both myself and my wife had assessments for our care needs done last year. One Local Authority social worker said she would take my wife to a day care centre for a few times so my wife get adjusted and then I could take over to drop my wife off to give me respite. So never contacted me again so I'm still waiting!!. I'll go through my emails and get back them. The Memory Clinic was going to send a nurse to reassess my wife but unfortunately my wife cannot remember the Memory Clinic but can remember him because she found him creepy at a previous visit ( he replaced a female nurse because my wife thought I wanted to start an affair with her. But I found him creepy as well)
That’s a bit funny about the creepy man! But I do have a warped sense of humour! The day care in my area, Kent, is run by Age Uk. Might be worth getting in touch with them.
Thanks for your thoughts. Both myself and wife had assessments for our care needs last year by Local Authority social workers. One said she would take my wife for a few visits to a day care centre to get her started so I could take over and drop my wife off for me to get a few hours respite. She didn't follow up though so I'm still waiting!! I'll go through me emails and have another go at this one. It will be difficult for my wife because doesn't like crowds, she is very sensitive about why people are there in the first place because my wife used to work as a counsellor. Our Memory Clinic started to reassess my wife. My wife cannot remember the clnic but can remember the psychiatric nurse who finds him creepy and repulsive and won't talk to him (i find him creepy as well. He replaced another nurse who visited our home because my wife thought I was in cahouts with her to get rid of my wife so I could have an affair with her.
The community nurse always got into your own space by getting too close to you talking into your face!! I need to get back to our Local Authority because one of their social workers was going to take my wife to a local day care centre but never did it. Fortunately I keep my emails so will get back to them.
