Mum with Dementia - how to support my Dad

[NealG]

Hi

I'm sure this is a familiar theme. My Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers a couple of years ago. She has good days and bad days but also periods where she is withdrawn and will spend all of her time in bed. My father is 78 and is her sole carer. I'm worried that he is lonely but also that he is painted as the bad guy as he tries to encourage Mum to be more active. She refuses to consider a daily walk, which doctors have richly suggested would be good for her overall health. In reality I don't think she like to leave the house and I'm not sure whether this is anxiety or depression of some kind - she lacks any motivation but is very firm if she doesn't want to do anything.

As a family we try to support my Dad but this is typically limited to weekend visits because my sister and I work in the week.

I'd welcome any advice and guidance on how we can get my Mum more motivated and how we can establish a routine so that she doesn't spend whole days in bed.

 

[Soobee]

Hello NealG and welcome to Talking Point.

I think it is total trial and error as to what works to encourage a person with dementia. What works on one day might not on another day. I didn't really succeed in trying to get my mum to do anything once she'd decided it wasn't going to happen.

To me, dementia is a set of constantly moving goalposts. By which I mean as carers we have to adjust to different standards to what we are used to. And as soon as we get used to the new standards they change again.

Whilst we know exercise is a good thing, a lot of us don't do it. Especially if it's forced. If it was a by-product of doing something else "come on mum, help me in the garden" or "I need you to come with me and post a letter" or just "we're going to the shops" may possibly help.

Hopefully others will give more suggestions but although it is good for your mum to get some exercise, don't feel pressured if she doesn't do it despite your best encouragements.

 

[karaokePete]

My wife can be very like your mum.

In our case the GP and Consultant have my wife on anti depressants and anti anxiety pills as well as her Alzheimer's meds. I struggle to get my wife out for a walk and as Soobee suggested I often use the going to the shops ruse as that always works with my OH. As luck would have it my OH likes cats so I sometimes suggest we walk round the neighbourhood to see if any of our feline friends are about and that also works. Sometimes just telling her that the walk will get the blood flowing better to her brain and help with her memory problem also works.
As to your dad feeling like he's the bad guy, I'm afraid that tends to go with the territory. A thick skin is required at times. However, it may be worth thinking that the PWD may be just scared or anxious because they can't understand, and don't like, what's happening to them and a hug and reassurance may be what they need more than anything.
It's all very hard and I wish you and your family the best of luck.

 

[TheBearsMummy]

I was worried that my MiL was just sitting all day, she has bad knees and won't exercise or walk very far.
My OH makes her go shopping with him every few days.
We recently put in a camera watching her front door and we have been amazed at how she is constantly either letting her cat in and out or going to the door looking for the cat.
I think some days she gets more exercise than me.