Hiya, never looked at anything like this but thought I would explore my options as I am struggling to cope with my situation, I’m mid 30’s and am an only child like my mum, my Grandma has vascular dementia and we’ve just brought her home from hospital after a 4 month stay following TIAs after my Grandad (her full time carer) was admitted to hospital, unfortunately has passed away and trying to look after my mum who is early 60’s and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I live 250 miles away due to work commitments and am really struggling to cope with everything. Since July I’ve spent so much time travelling to help look after them physically and emotionally aswell as trying to grieve over my Grandad, any advice, help would be greatly appreciated, I don’t know where to turn, thank you
Alzheimer’s and Dementia my Mum & Grandma
- Thread starter Mandagarth
- Start date
Hi @Mandagarth.
So sorry for the loss of your Granddad. You need urgent help and guidance - this is all way too much for one person to deal with, especially from a distance.
As a start, may I suggest you call the Alzheimer's Society's helpline 0300 222 11 22.
You also need to contact the Adult Social Services for the area in which your Mum/Grandma live and request assessments of their needs.
Are they living alone or together or what? Do they have any visits from carers because your Grandma shouldn't have been discharged from hospital without a care plan in place.
Do keep posting and reading here for all the virtual support you need.
So sorry for the loss of your Granddad. You need urgent help and guidance - this is all way too much for one person to deal with, especially from a distance.
As a start, may I suggest you call the Alzheimer's Society's helpline 0300 222 11 22.
You also need to contact the Adult Social Services for the area in which your Mum/Grandma live and request assessments of their needs.
Are they living alone or together or what? Do they have any visits from carers because your Grandma shouldn't have been discharged from hospital without a care plan in place.
Do keep posting and reading here for all the virtual support you need.
Thank you so much for your reply @HillyBilly its such a difficult time, I will give that phone number a call tomorrow. I really appreciate it. My mum and grandma live separately but in close proximity. My grandma was discharged with urgent care team 4 times a day, exit sensors etc but when she gets confused it’s my phone that rings, especially evenings when her dementia is worse, I’ve taken at least 8 calls this afternoon some aggressive. With regards to my mum adult services are involved and we’re waiting to see how advanced the Alzheimer’s is but I’m all they have, it’s emotionally draining and I’m starting to struggle to cope.
hello Mandagarth
welcome to TP
my condolences on the death of your granddad
so tough on you that whilst grieving you also have the care of your grandma and mum to consider
it's good that there are home care visits organised so that both have others seeing how they are each day
calling the Helpline is a good idea, the operators have a lot of knowledge and contacts to direct you on to as well
do you have Powers of Attorney in place for both your grandma and mum as these will give you the legal authority to manage their affairs, which will make life much easier for you - ask the helpline operator about these, and about Attendance Allowance and Council Tax disregard if these haven't already been applied for
might I suggest that you keep a log of what happens with your grandma and mum each day - it is asking you to do even more paperwork but it will help with medics and Social Services if you have evidence of the support each needs and the interventions you've had to make - make sure that SS know that you know that they have the 'duty of care' for both these 'vulnerable adults', not you
do let your grandma's GP/consultant know of any aggression, as it may be that a tweak of her meds or new meds may help her be more settled
your grandma and mum are fortunate that they have you looking out for them
and TP is here to support you, so post with whatever is on your mind
welcome to TP
my condolences on the death of your granddad
so tough on you that whilst grieving you also have the care of your grandma and mum to consider
it's good that there are home care visits organised so that both have others seeing how they are each day
calling the Helpline is a good idea, the operators have a lot of knowledge and contacts to direct you on to as well
do you have Powers of Attorney in place for both your grandma and mum as these will give you the legal authority to manage their affairs, which will make life much easier for you - ask the helpline operator about these, and about Attendance Allowance and Council Tax disregard if these haven't already been applied for
might I suggest that you keep a log of what happens with your grandma and mum each day - it is asking you to do even more paperwork but it will help with medics and Social Services if you have evidence of the support each needs and the interventions you've had to make - make sure that SS know that you know that they have the 'duty of care' for both these 'vulnerable adults', not you
do let your grandma's GP/consultant know of any aggression, as it may be that a tweak of her meds or new meds may help her be more settled
your grandma and mum are fortunate that they have you looking out for them
and TP is here to support you, so post with whatever is on your mind
thank you for your reply @Shedrech i really appreciate any advice. My grandma was only discharged after a 4 month stay in hospital on Friday, she was diagnosed with vascular dementia in January 2016. My Grandad her carer passed away in August this year. It’s a very difficult situation, she relys on me as my Mum only got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in September this year, we’re not sure how advance it is, it’s hard as I’m not local but provide telephone support every day sometimes 20 time and visit as often as I can. With regards to power of attorney I’m trying with my mum but she is so against it. My grandma has been deemed with no capacity so we’re in the process of applying for deputyship from court of protection.
hi @Mandagarth
you do seem to be doing all the right things, and unfortunately it's not at all uncommon for people to resist arranging POAs - I think none of us want to consider that they will ever really be needed
I wonder whether your mum would be more willing if she saw it as just something any sensible adult does, especially if they have some assets eg savings, a house ... and children, so that if they had to go into hospital the Attorney did have the Authority to help with bank accounts (rather than focusing on the Alzheimer's) and if you seemed to be putting yours in place too with her as one of your joint and several Attorneys - do have more than one Attorney, and a named replacement if possible, for 'just in case' anything happened to an Attorney (none of us know what is round the corner)
with regard to the phone calls - is there a way to not take all the calls? - maybe record a soothing message on your answerphone, so that you can at least screen the calls and choose when to call back - if you know your grandma is safe and calling for reassurance rather than actual help, and that she won't do anything untoward if you don't answer straight away, then you don't NEED to reply every time - in fact sometimes, I found with dad, answering every call just led to him calling more and being more demanding
if at any time you believe that it's right to move your grandma into a care home, call SS for a best interests meeting and give your evidence - she's already receiving the max 4 home care visits a day - I wonder whether asking for some days at a day care centre would give her some social interaction, a good meal, and tire her out; and your would know that she is looked after and monitored when she is at the day care - or maybe a sitter to be with her a few hours (you might say it's a friend of yours/your mum's who thought s/he'd pop in as you just aren't close enough to do so?
you do seem to be doing all the right things, and unfortunately it's not at all uncommon for people to resist arranging POAs - I think none of us want to consider that they will ever really be needed
I wonder whether your mum would be more willing if she saw it as just something any sensible adult does, especially if they have some assets eg savings, a house ... and children, so that if they had to go into hospital the Attorney did have the Authority to help with bank accounts (rather than focusing on the Alzheimer's) and if you seemed to be putting yours in place too with her as one of your joint and several Attorneys - do have more than one Attorney, and a named replacement if possible, for 'just in case' anything happened to an Attorney (none of us know what is round the corner)
with regard to the phone calls - is there a way to not take all the calls? - maybe record a soothing message on your answerphone, so that you can at least screen the calls and choose when to call back - if you know your grandma is safe and calling for reassurance rather than actual help, and that she won't do anything untoward if you don't answer straight away, then you don't NEED to reply every time - in fact sometimes, I found with dad, answering every call just led to him calling more and being more demanding
if at any time you believe that it's right to move your grandma into a care home, call SS for a best interests meeting and give your evidence - she's already receiving the max 4 home care visits a day - I wonder whether asking for some days at a day care centre would give her some social interaction, a good meal, and tire her out; and your would know that she is looked after and monitored when she is at the day care - or maybe a sitter to be with her a few hours (you might say it's a friend of yours/your mum's who thought s/he'd pop in as you just aren't close enough to do so?
Thanks @Shedrech That’s not a bad way of putting it across, thank you for the suggestion. I will also try and look into the daycare centres etc as we don’t have much family to help support her locally whilst I’m so far away. I’ve tried to leave some of the calls alone but then with my Grandma I get angry answerphone messages which upset me aswell. My Grandma is at home with the maximum care visits from a best of interest meeting following her 4 month stay on hospital.