Starting to think it’s all a bit beyond me...

Mitch33

Registered User
Jul 24, 2013
4
0
Husband and I started caring for my parents in May 17 - Dad was 4 years into an Alzheimer’s diagnosis / Mum had osteoporatic fractures. Mum became severely ill in July with a delirium episode and was subsequently also diagnosed with mixed type dementia and, due to the delirium, has since suffered with a significantly adjusted baseline. Lucky me .. the full set of parents with dementia. ☹️ We’ve tried to continue to care for Dad whilst working full time, with Mum in respite care (with daily visits) - but now... I’m starting to think it’s all too much and dad needs to go into care too. The guilt is immense. But, selfishly I don’t think we’re up to caring for him. My patience is wearing thin and it can’t be a pleasant experience for Dad when I get cross... also, there is no escape. Husband and I have no marriage and no life outside of work and care obligations.

Is it ‘giving in’ to hand him over to the care system with Mum? Have we failed them...?

We are just exhausted.
 

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
326
0
County Durham
Sorry you're having such a hard time.
In my opinion, the short answer to your question is no.
Gult is a horrible feeling and one we are all familiar with. While I believe we should do what ever we can to care for our loved ones at home, we all have our limits
Sorry if I sound a bit short, rough day.
I know you'll get lots of advice here,
I wish you well
Xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,442
0
Kent
Husband and I have no marriage and no life outside of work and care obligations.

Its not good enough. .

As @Graybiker said, we all have our limits. Also those limits might be preventing us from meeting the needs of the person with dementia, especially as it progresses.

Feelings of guilt are often irrational. We are none of us superhuman and there really is a limit to what one person can provide as a primary carer.
 

Dazmum

Registered User
Jul 10, 2011
10,322
0
Horsham, West Sussex
I was in a similar situation with both parents Mitch, so I do know how you feel, only too well. My father went into his care home first and then my mum, initially for respite as I was at the end of my tether mentally and physically. i did know that this wouldn’t just be respite at that stage. It really did take its toll on our family life as both parents lived with us and we looked after them for many years while working too, and having a young son.

Yes, the guilt is there of course, but please, please don’t think that you are being selfish in any way. You deserve to have a life, and by having both parents looked after 24/7 you are still caring for them, even if it’s someone else doing the everyday things. You still show that you care by visiting (and don’t think you have to do this every day either), and the quality of your time with your parents will be so much better. It does take time to adjust, i think it took me almost a year to let go of the guilt feeling, but it was absolutely the right thing to do, and of course TP helped me through that difficult time, as it will you too.
 

DollyBird16

Registered User
Sep 5, 2017
1,185
0
Greater London
Husband and I started caring for my parents in May 17 - Dad was 4 years into an Alzheimer’s diagnosis / Mum had osteoporatic fractures. Mum became severely ill in July with a delirium episode and was subsequently also diagnosed with mixed type dementia and, due to the delirium, has since suffered with a significantly adjusted baseline. Lucky me .. the full set of parents with dementia. ☹️ We’ve tried to continue to care for Dad whilst working full time, with Mum in respite care (with daily visits) - but now... I’m starting to think it’s all too much and dad needs to go into care too. The guilt is immense. But, selfishly I don’t think we’re up to caring for him. My patience is wearing thin and it can’t be a pleasant experience for Dad when I get cross... also, there is no escape. Husband and I have no marriage and no life outside of work and care obligations.

Is it ‘giving in’ to hand him over to the care system with Mum? Have we failed them...?

We are just exhausted.
Hi I so get where you are coming from.
I have no amazing answer that solves how you feel, I feel the same.
To help myself and when I have a rational head on. I tell myself all I do is for the love of my Mum and to give her the absolute best I possibly can, if that means someone else doing it then that’s what it is.
Don’t get me wrong I’m still heartbroken and devastated that I cannot solve it but I’m doing the absolute best. I remember telling my Mum she could not look after her Mum it was a 24/7 job and she agreed, a home was the best thing to give her the best care.
Take care. Your decisions are considered and practical if only we could remove the love bit - that said I know I wouldn’t love my Mum any less wherever she is. X
 

Mitch33

Registered User
Jul 24, 2013
4
0
Thanks for the supportive comments everyone. We took dad today to a nice care home. One that has dementia listed as one of their caring specialities.
He lasted 3 hours before they called us and asked us to collect him.
Now I have no idea where to turn... he is back home with us. We are simply not up to looking after him.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Im so sorry.
If a care home cant look after him then how can you expect to?
its a question of finding the right place, not all care homes are the same - if it lists dementia as one of their caring specialties then Im assuming that it wasnt a dedicated dementia/EMI unit. The problem with places that have mixed dementia and non-dementia residents is that they can only cater for people in the early stages of dementia. Even some places that say they are exclusively for people with dementia will give notice as soon as there are typical dementia symptoms like waking at night, calling out, going into other peoples rooms, refusing personal care, aggression etc.
There are places out there which could cope with your dad, but you will probably need to look for an EMI home or dedicated dementia unit that will deal with challenging behaviour. When you go and look at places find out what they wont deal with and at the assessment tell it like it is - dont downplay anything. You will find somewhere.
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
Sorry to hear this @Mitch33.

What aspects of your Dad's behaviour did the home say they couldn't cope with? Did they not assess him before accepting him in to their home?

I'm assuming that the onus is on you to find a suitable placement? In which case it's back to the drawing board, contacting all the homes in your area that seem suitable, getting them out to assess your Dad, putting him on waiting lists etc. You're best off being totally honest with them about your Dad's behaviour and asking them what they CAN cope with and what they CAN'T cope with.

Do you have Social Services (SS) involved at all? If you cannot cope any longer then you can advise them of this fact. Be aware that SS might place your Dad anywhere they can, to give you respite. Assuming they can come up with a respite place.

It must be awful for you all right now, best wishes x

Edit - I see your Mum is in care too. Can your Mum's home take your Dad?
 

MaryH

Registered User
Jun 16, 2016
120
0
Ottawa, Canada
From one who has a father with mixed Alzheimer and vascular dementia for 3+ years and a mom recently diagnosed with vascular dementia plus dad in hospital with stroke for 2.5 months, it is a lot to have the care of both parents plus house, etc. Lots of sympathies.

We do not have a choice but nursing home for dad since he is a 2 person lift with his right side paralyzed. The condo is not suited and I looked for 3 hrs online for a rental that is handicapped accessible with roll in shower but none to be had. Private retirement homes that are equipped to take 2 person lifts are very expansive... I have researched a list of good nursing homes last year and pulled it out this August when Dad hit mid stage but now the pressure is on since we cannot wait for the good ones with 2-7 years of waitlist since Dad cannot stay in hospital that long.