wounder how many other people are in my boat ,were there wife /husband has had enough, -married you not your mother/father,-- i can see their point . full time care for someone with dementia does tend to take over your life
Hi spraypaint,
Yes, I think I once saw a post on here saying their other half was gone as soon as they realized they were no longer going to be the centre of attention.
Sadly I agree with all - oh has had enough Mum is all I talk about cos that is all I do.
We are on the edge of staying together. I don’t see it lasting.
Agh! Dementia. Ooh but don’t forget it’s not a disability, grrrrrr.
Wise words, Pickles...The saddest thing of all. Speaking as a parent, the most devastating thought would be that my only daughter lost her own husband because of the overwhelming stress of looking after me. If this is where you are, are you really sure that this is what your mother would want for you?
I can't speak for anyone else, but I can absolutely tell you this is indeed the case for my husband and myself. Unlike you, my MIL has paid lip service to the 'oh, I don't want to interrupt your lives! That makes me feel bad!' bit. But when it comes down to it, she is absolutely content to see our marriage, careers and lives ruined. She is entirely happy to see us split-up, and her son back at home, clipping her toenails, making her meals, entertaining her every whim.
Yes, that's what my MIL wants for him. And for us. She pretends it's 'devastating' to her (which, of course, only adds to the guilt trip). But she wouldn't have it any other way. Pre and post dementia.
wounder how many other people are in my boat ,were there wife /husband has had enough, -married you not your mother/father,-- i can see their point . full time care for someone with dementia does tend to take over your life
We took on my mum with the total understanding that if my partner felt it was all too much then she would need to go into care. My brother did not like this (financial reasons but this is not the place for it) feeling that we should be prepared to look after her to the end, no matter what. But as my brother has had zero input since mum moved in (seen her three times in almost four years) we went ahead and moved her in with us, then moved house to accommodate her needs. My partner and I discuss this at all times. He is my rock and also talks sense when it gets a bit much. Obviously there are times when I am reduced to screaming point but he calmly deals with my meltdown and helps me analyse what has caused it (i.e. minor storms in teacups or something fundamental that needs attention). As she continues to decline I can see a time, soon, when I will call a halt to all this and she will need to go into care. I will not feel guilty about this as I think I and my partner have done all we can to get her over the time when she knew she was losing her memory. Now that memory is pretty much gone and I think that if she went into a home she would just accept it.
My partner and I need a holiday and this needs to be booked in advance and planned (neither of us are spring chickens) and must not rely on a last minute arrangement when the care home can take her for respite; I need to get out and walk more and also get back to Pilates and yoga; it would be nice to watch tele together for a change, not me sitting with her in the evenings.
At the moment caring is my 'life' (alongside working part time and all the other things that need to be attended to). Frankly, I feel I've done my bit.