MY DEAR FRIEND HAS DEMENTIA

[Margaret W]

Hello all, it is a long time since I posted on here when my mother was a sufferer, sadly long since died. Now my friend of 30 years has been diagnosed with mixed dementia. She used to be my neighbour but now lives 100 miles away but we've always kept in touch/visited/phoned and emailed. She has a long-standing alcohol problem that she led me to believe was under control now but phone calls to her earlier this year made me suspect not. I had a long period of illness this year and now recovered I rang her at the weekend. She started off bright and breezy but before long I was starting not to understand her. It was when she asked me if I knew her mum and dad had died that I twigged - they died decades agther things clicked into place as well.

So I contacted her daughter and she confirmed my suspicions of dementia, very recently diagnosed and the family haven't yet learnt what it all means. My friend and her husband were never the most loving couple, but apparently it is now a lot worse cos she no longer cooks (and he is an elderly man who has never got used to domestic chores), washes clothes or bathes, and lives on cake and crisps. She refuses any food that he makes for her and is very abusive to him, made worse by her continued (but less frequent) drinking when she becomes impossible to deal with and alternately flies into rages or sobs uncontrollably. The visiting medical staff have noted that she is abusive towards him. However, I think it is because she doesn't realise any more that he is her husband, from her conversation with me that "the man who lives here now is taking charge of everything and I don't know where I stand".It seems that she is okay when in situations that she remembers often being in with him, such as having a pub meal or going on holiday, or with their married children, but in the home he appears to her to be an intruder. She seems to have forgotten that she has children, and thinks they are all his from his first marriage, though she seems happy to see them.

Her husband is nearly 20 years older than her and is at the end of his tether because of her attitude towards him at these times.

I am her only friend (we once shared our alcohol problem but mine is now sorted) and many friends deserted her, plus she made no new friends after her move away from here. She seems to always have had respect for me and listened to me.

So I am wondering how I can help her and the family. If I were to visit her, would she listen to me and understand that "this man" is her husband and not an intruder, and he is trying to look after her? Would she take my advice that alcohol is not a good idea any more? I am told that she knows she has dementia but doesn't want anyone to know - but there is only her family and me in her life. I suppose that even if she listened to me, she would readily forget the conversation, but maybe I could suggest they put up a sign to reminder her of who he is and his name. Or am I dabbling where I shouldn't and hope that she and the family gets professional help with this. I am told it is early stages but it seems rather more advanced than that to me. Would I upset her too much if I wrote her a letter rather than be there when I tell her what the truth is about this man? Am I likely wasting my time?

Margaret

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Margaret. Welcome back.

I expect you have enough understanding of dementia and alcoholism to realise it may be very difficult to influence the behaviour of your friend, especially if you live too far away to stay in regular contact.

Possibly all you can do is be a supportive friend and hope friendship and support will help your friend feel less isolated. Whatever you can do to help your friend will indirectly help her husband.

 

[Margaret W]

Thanks Sylvia, I feel so helpless and they are all so bewildered.

Margaret

 

[HillyBilly]

HI @Margaret W - you could maybe point your friend's family in the direction of Talking Point.

 

[Margaret W]

I just wanted to share the current situation with folks on here, to highlight that things can "improve" for dementia sufferers and their families..

My friend's family have steered her away from alcohol for so long now that she thinks that Tonic Water is a glass of white wine. As a result she is now able to take medication (I know not what) that has helped with some symptoms. She no longer abusive to her husband and knows he is a safe person. Her two children now have babies and she has relished playing with them, changing nappies etc even though she doesn't know who they are.

I have almost been more distressed at my friend's diagnosis that I was at my own mother's so have sadly avoided contacting her for several months, but today was her birthday so I steeled myself to ring. Her husband was delighted at the contact, filled me in on the situation and passed me on to her, telling me that I wouldn't get any sense out of her. Thanks to my late mum, I knew what to expect. I wasn't sure she would know who I was, but she clearly did, asking me about my husband and children, and the village we live in (she had forgotten that she used to live here too), but it is true that the rest of the conversation was total rubbish and it actually didn't matter how I responded to her strange sentences so long as I responded!!!

I am even negotiating with her daughter to accompany my pal and her husband on holiday (to her daughter's static caravan that she mentioned to me and which seems to be familiar to her) so we can give her hubby some support and my friend a bit of company. It might work, or it might not but I feel it is worth a try.

Of course, my efforts are nothing really compared to the burden on her family, but even if my communication just helps to show somebody cares, well, there we are.

Margaret

 

[Lady M]

Wow! One lucky lady to have a friend such as you!!
I am sure that your support to her family will be invaluable.
May you all enjoy a peaceful holiday!
May your kindness be appreciated by all