Hi ladies hope you are all well & had a good day. Been a busy day started decorating the kitchen so everything upside down. OH gets up at 3pm I stop everything & prepare his lunch/tea. He eats it & immediately goes back upstairs, not a mention about anything. He comes back down at 7pm I'm just tidying up. He puts the kettle on makes a cup of tea. Never says do you want a cuppa. We can do all for them & get no thanks or anything. To say I am p---ed off is an understatement. I wonder why I bother. @ margherita I feel the same as you about making decisions once things have seriously progressed. I won't hesitate or give it a second thought the first thing will be day centre. Well I am knackered & aching ,well I think I have done a good job painting the kitchen , &that's all that matters. If I wait for him to say it looks good " hell will freeze over first" . Rant over. We seem to take turns ladies ranting about our grumpy OH. Oh joy take care all & hope a peaceful night . Speak soon . Xx
Grumpy OH
- Thread starter Beads
- Start date
My husband is used to be sitting at table and waiting for me to serve him his meal.
While I go to and from the kitchen (we have our meals in a small dining room next to the kitchen) he is engrossed in anything is on TV. Every now and then he realizes I am not at table and asks me if I won't eat. I do not usually answer , but he does not notice. The TV deserves all his attention
You just wrote my story....especially the part about the way he treats now being not that different than before Alz. My husband was never a yeller .... I would just get the guilty silent treatment every time he didn’t like something .Or he would stomp out and go to his brothers. He knew it would eat me up ...and so now it is hard to believe some of this isn’t on purpose. I feel guilty for feeling this way but my nerves are shot and change has to be made ...I am in Canada and while I have taken all the courses on how to deal with this and what to expect, I feel like everything is spiraling out of control. I have an appt with the Alzheimer’s social worker to start the ball rolling as far as daycare goes but from what I understand I am looking at at least a years wait! I feel so guilty that I am not coping well , and in my heart I feel so bad for him but those feeling get less and less every time I go through an outburst.
Anyway thanks for sharing your story , there is company in numbers.
Anyway thanks for sharing your story , there is company in numbers.
Hi @janicek55,
Do not feel guilty if you can
I think your reactions are understandable.
The courses you have taken are certainly useful, but they are not enough.
I am at the beginning of the long journey. My husband is in the early stage of Alzheimer's.
He seems he can still reason , somehow.
This makes things more difficult because when he behaves in the way I have always disliked in him, " it is hard to believe some of this isn't on purpose", as you wrote.
Right, will start again am not sure what happened there! Hi everyone, was going to say that I shouldn’t say so but thank heavens for this thread where we can all let off steam about our OH’s grumpiness/self centred behaviour which was there before the onset of dementia and which makes us now feel so trapped and resentful as carers, even though we are all doing just that - caring and having to be one jump ahead all the time, and trying not to think of what the future will bring.
@ Margherita I do hope you are feeling better, it’s bad enough having to deal with everything without being in pain as well......
@ Beads - well done for decorating and make sure you take well deserved pride in the result! I think it’s so hard for everyone here to be trying without thanks and sometimes downright disregard etc, which as we all know was there before the dreaded dementia kicked in.
@ everyone - all our rants are sympathised with on here and I don’t know about the rest of you , but I find it somewhat comforting that I don’t have to put on an act but can display how p****d off I feel at life sometimes without being judged.
In fact ladies, here’s to all of us. I hope each and every one of us has at least a few minutes today when they can enjoy being themselves even if that’s fleeting.
Love to you all xx
@ Margherita I do hope you are feeling better, it’s bad enough having to deal with everything without being in pain as well......
@ Beads - well done for decorating and make sure you take well deserved pride in the result! I think it’s so hard for everyone here to be trying without thanks and sometimes downright disregard etc, which as we all know was there before the dreaded dementia kicked in.
@ everyone - all our rants are sympathised with on here and I don’t know about the rest of you , but I find it somewhat comforting that I don’t have to put on an act but can display how p****d off I feel at life sometimes without being judged.
In fact ladies, here’s to all of us. I hope each and every one of us has at least a few minutes today when they can enjoy being themselves even if that’s fleeting.
Love to you all xx
@longlostfan , thank you, I was ready to have a right old rant, but your post has made me feel so much better . We all just do the best we can, but we're all human too, we must remember that.
@Beads , think you are marvelous for just getting on with things, it's your home too, so why shouldn't you take pride in your decorating.
@MIA56 My OH often disappears for hours upstairs too. I have to call him down for meals and he acts all surprised and wolfs his food down like he's got something far more important be doing! Then after lunch he'll either go upstaris again , or after dinner he sits with his tray on his lap for hours, glued to the telly, saying he'll clear away 'in a minute'.
Once we get our extension done I'm hoping for a change to eating in a room away from the t.v. You never know, he might even help with the clearing up a bit if we did ! I seem to spend half my day preparing food and then having to tidy up too...
@janicek55 , we too pace outings. We're spent yesterday morning looking for new furniture for the lounge, and he wanted to carry on after lunch, but I managed to steer him homewards as I am learning (too slowly) to pace outings a lot more. He's onto the detail of what we spent on holiday today, so I'll have to give him another nudge in a day or two, to get things moving again. @MIA56 talking of moving, do you have a date? You sound so organised and calm!
I too am off out for coffee soon, getting out is such a relief. I will also be trying out a local Alzheimer's cafe later this month. Time to get on making contacts and getting prepared for when I can't leave him alone. I think I must be lucky with the amount of support that is available in my area. @margherita , I do hope you find some support locally. Is there a 'befriending' service maybe, so someone comes and sits with your OH for an hour or two just so you can go out on your own or with a friend? My OH is always glued to either a laptop or the TV too. And when we do try to have a conversation it often ends in raised voices and confusion. The main thorn in my side daily at the moment, are the constant questions questions questions
. We all just do the best we can, but we're all human too, we must remember that.@Beads , think you are marvelous for just getting on with things, it's your home too, so why shouldn't you take pride in your decorating.
@MIA56 My OH often disappears for hours upstairs too. I have to call him down for meals and he acts all surprised and wolfs his food down like he's got something far more important be doing! Then after lunch he'll either go upstaris again , or after dinner he sits with his tray on his lap for hours, glued to the telly, saying he'll clear away 'in a minute'.
Once we get our extension done I'm hoping for a change to eating in a room away from the t.v. You never know, he might even help with the clearing up a bit if we did !
I seem to spend half my day preparing food and then having to tidy up too... @janicek55 , we too pace outings. We're spent yesterday morning looking for new furniture for the lounge, and he wanted to carry on after lunch, but I managed to steer him homewards as I am learning (too slowly) to pace outings a lot more. He's onto the detail of what we spent on holiday today, so I'll have to give him another nudge in a day or two, to get things moving again. @MIA56 talking of moving, do you have a date? You sound so organised and calm!
I too am off out for coffee soon, getting out is such a relief. I will also be trying out a local Alzheimer's cafe later this month. Time to get on making contacts and getting prepared for when I can't leave him alone. I think I must be lucky with the amount of support that is available in my area. @margherita , I do hope you find some support locally. Is there a 'befriending' service maybe, so someone comes and sits with your OH for an hour or two just so you can go out on your own or with a friend? My OH is always glued to either a laptop or the TV too. And when we do try to have a conversation it often ends in raised voices and confusion. The main thorn in my side daily at the moment, are the constant questions questions questions
Hi all hope you well,@MIA56 yes I'm fine Thankyou just busy decorating . Glad you managed to have a little pampering, It so lifts the spirit.Well at least J was ok while you were out he didn't starve . Sounds like you are getting through the packing well. (54) boxes . @margherita hope your back is loads better & you are feeling a bit chirpier. @longlostfan hope you are well . Did your son have a good time on his few days away. To all others on here as there are many now ,hope you all have had as good a day as possible. Well I am still on with the kitchen & misery is just totally oblivious to what's going on . Just his usual grumpiness.Today I have struggled with taking blinds down. He just sits there not interested not even concerned that I am on the top step of ladders . Never thinks to even hold the ladders . My daughter got the rant today as I was so miffed , I bet she wished she never asked how's the decorating coming on. She says what's new he was always like this even before the alzheimers. Which is so true. My son will be here tomorrow with his family after work, he will sort out my blinds for me.This week up to now has been a stressful week as I am getting more agitated/ annoyed with the fact OH just sits there & never offers to do anything & I am flogging my a--e off. My bl---y blood pressure must be sky hi. I try not to let it get too me but it does. I so wish I could just walk away from all this & have a place on my own , because I might as well live on my own this is just an existence . A miserable one at that . All take & no give. What margherita posted I totally gree with, I just wish this disease would progress as then I can decide what to do. I know this sounds so horrible but I am so sick of this life which has now gone on for so many years long before diagnosis. Well ladies I hope you all have a peaceful evening . That's my rant over but I don't think it will be the last by far. Speak soon take care all. xxx
Hi Beads, ah you might be me saying that. I could happily wring OH’s neck this evening. Just like you’re experiencing, expecting meals and cups of tea on demand. As often happens, wet his pants and trousers before he got onto loo and then denies the whole thing even tho the evidence is there, makes me blow a gasket - I know he can’t exactly help it but the inference that I’m making it up drives me maaad. Oh yes I share your longing to live on my own, what a life we lead. Well we had a letter from the hospital saying that OH has to see a consultant regarding the result of his latest echocardiogram, think this started a chain of belligerent thought on the lines of “they don’t know anything and I’m not having this, that and the other” (no DEFINITELY not the “other”mate). At least I know that he won’t remember getting the letter or the subsequent discussion. The thing is, we all have to let off steam on here, otherwise as you say blood pressure and all that. I don’t dare take mine at the moment. It’s a good thing that unlike you I’m not decorating at the moment (well done you for all that by the way). Paint brushes might have been shoved where the sun don’t shine! Another rant over.
Peace and light tonight to you and everyone..........
Just been catching up with all your news. @Beads I had to learn how to paint a year ago as our kitchen was desparately in need of some tlc. It is only small and I did manage a reasonable job. My husband told anyone who commented that he had done or the nice lady from Edinburgh (my niece)!. I left my husband on Saturday while I walked the dog and came home to an empty house, just about to phone the police when my friend called to say our hairdresser had spotted him looking lost and went and gently persuaded him to go with her to get a cup of tea. He was concerned and frightened by a man in the house (no one else in the house). I get 2 hours support a week and even that is tricky at the moment. Anyway was feeling a bit sad tonight because it is our 38th wedding anniversary tomorrow and not only does he not know me, he doesn't know he is married and a father and grandfather. My sister in law who was widowed this year tells me she thinks she got a better deal than me. I feel widowed already and it is highlighted further by the knowledge that he can't acknowledge our life together. Well I have a nice bottle of wine chilling so will look at photos when he has gone to bed and tell the dog all about it.
@MIA56 I take my hat off to you, you seem to get so much done. I hope your packing goes well and you find some time for you.
Hope everyone else has a peaceful night
@MIA56 I take my hat off to you, you seem to get so much done. I hope your packing goes well and you find some time for you.
Hope everyone else has a peaceful night
Hi everyone, well, after my rant last night I felt a bit guilty (silly but there you go) and asked OH as it’s a nice day, shall we go out for short walk...... he decided yes he’d like a drink at our local (this hasn’t happened for YEARS) and actually asked if we had a walking stick he could use, also a new departure as formerly he wouldn’t have been seen dead with one. So we ended up in the pub which is very nearby luckily. This seemed to lift his mood for a bit. Luckily he’s also forgotten about the letter from the hospital, shall cross that bridge when etc. Like all of us I realise that day by day is a good idea, tho it’s hard to keep my mind from running on. We all do the best we can on here, not much of a consolation when it’s not appreciated or recognised I know. This is the only place really where people really “get it” So thank you all once again for all your shared posts. Keeps me going a lot of the time just to be able to offload, I try not to dump on my children too much tho they are, and have been, aware of the situation. As Beads says if your OH has always been self centred it’s hard. Escape to work tomorrow for me, so that’s a bonus.
Love to you all xx
Love to you all xx
@longlostfan , glad to hear you're feeling a bit lighter for your rant ! that's exactly what we're all here for, so please don't feel guilty! My OH also drove me round the bend on Wednesday , the next day when I said I'd booked into a 'Dementia Friends' session, prompted by the difficult day we'd had, he just hummphed and shrugged like nothing had happened... perhaps he couldn't recall. Also, after his latest demand that I NOT tell our GP about his 'burbling' and garbled speech, I have a) booked a GP apt anyway, it could've been a TIA (silly man, but going behind his back is making me feel awful ) and b) told him I'm going to start attending a monthly Alzheimer's Cafe, which he can come to or not, but I'm going!
He had a consultation with a surgeon yesterday about his Hernia (aka Henry), and he has to have it fixed... does anyone know or have experience of effect of general unaesthetic on a PWD? Worried it's going to make him worse, although we don't really have a choice, it's got to be done
! that's exactly what we're all here for, so please don't feel guilty! My OH also drove me round the bend on Wednesday , the next day when I said I'd booked into a 'Dementia Friends' session, prompted by the difficult day we'd had, he just hummphed and shrugged like nothing had happened... perhaps he couldn't recall. Also, after his latest demand that I NOT tell our GP about his 'burbling' and garbled speech, I have a) booked a GP apt anyway, it could've been a TIA (silly man, but going behind his back is making me feel awful ) and b) told him I'm going to start attending a monthly Alzheimer's Cafe, which he can come to or not, but I'm going! He had a consultation with a surgeon yesterday about his Hernia (aka Henry), and he has to have it fixed... does anyone know or have experience of effect of general unaesthetic on a PWD? Worried it's going to make him worse, although we don't really have a choice, it's got to be done
Hi Peaches, I was told by the specialist that anaesthetic would probably make my husband worse. He had to have a triple heart bypass. He was very mixed up about everything for a while, but soon settled down again. Hope all goes well with your OH's op@longlostfan , glad to hear you're feeling a bit lighter for your rant
He had a consultation with a surgeon yesterday about his Hernia (aka Henry), and he has to have it fixed... does anyone know or have experience of effect of general unaesthetic on a PWD? Worried it's going to make him worse, although we don't really have a choice, it's got to be done
Hi @longlostfan,
glad your husband is in a better mood.
Hope it lasts..
Enjoy your working Saturday and the sense of frredom it gives you
Hi Peachez,
Just to put your mind at ease my husband had a general anaesthetic for a hernia op. As I was worried about the effect it would have on his dementia I made sure to make my concerns clear to the surgeon. He said all would be fine as the anaesthetic for the hernia would be light and he was right - my husband had no deterioration that I could see.
Of course everyone is different and I wish your husband well with his op.
Just to put your mind at ease my husband had a general anaesthetic for a hernia op. As I was worried about the effect it would have on his dementia I made sure to make my concerns clear to the surgeon. He said all would be fine as the anaesthetic for the hernia would be light and he was right - my husband had no deterioration that I could see.
Of course everyone is different and I wish your husband well with his op.
@MIA56 I imagine that no matter what at some stage we loved our husband's and wives and that dementia can exacerbate elements of their personality or character that we could live with. Now that my husband doesn't know me I find it a little harder to deal with. My Admiral Nurse asked me if L would have told me not to overburden myself in caring for him. I had a little think and said no I didn't think he would say that because he would have wanted me with him all the time. I don't love this person any more but I do care for him and will be there for him no matter what. I accepted many years ago L was most likely on the autism spectrum and had some empathy but Alzheimer's means that has diminished to none. Not his fault just sadly the cards he was dealt but a hand that impacts on the whole family.
Every carer has to make their own decisions about what is right for them and the people they care for. I honestly wish I could say I still love him as I did a year ago but the change has been huge and quick and I have had to adapt to being a care worker with boundaries rather than a wife. I will do everything in my power to ensure he is cared for and to help him feel safe. Shouldn't have started writing!
Every carer has to make their own decisions about what is right for them and the people they care for. I honestly wish I could say I still love him as I did a year ago but the change has been huge and quick and I have had to adapt to being a care worker with boundaries rather than a wife. I will do everything in my power to ensure he is cared for and to help him feel safe. Shouldn't have started writing!
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Hi janicek55 hope you well. So you are another lady in the same position as myself. Plus there are many more on this thread. Might I add it's a role I do out of sense of duty nothing more. The years been married have not been happy, like yourself a lot of the silent treatment , everything his way or the highway. I used to just go along with it as I was working full time . Then I retired & was gonna do what I wanted to do because all my married life I've been told what to do. I thought let him try & tell me I can't do this or that when I retired & I was gonna say "just watch me". However never got the chance as this was thrust on me & I am so resentful. As I have said before I can't see a lot of difference as he has been like this all the time . So I can't say it's the dementia, it's just he's a unreasonable unpleasant selfish person . Only now his mobility is bad & his memory. You should never feel guilty we didn't choose to be a carer it was forced on us. If we had had a good relationship we wouldn't be writing this . I would have been devastated had that been the situation. You need to make time for yourself otherwise it will get to you. Even if it's just going for a coffee with a friend or shopping. You can't beat a good chin wag with you friends. Whatever you do think about yourself never ever feel guilty. I go walking most mornings with my friend, I am of the opinion that he is capable of seeing to himself while I'm out & until something happens to prove me wrong I will continue to go out. That is a ling time to wait a year . Does your OH know you are seeing about day care . Mine wouldn't go he is in denial anyway. However if & when he gets worse day care is the first thing I will see about. Keep posting we can all have a good moan nice hearing from you. Take care speak soon.
