My first post

[bert]

Hi to all at talking point! Im 34 and live with my dad who is 78 and been diagnosed with dementia about 12 months ago. The situation is getting to me. Ive got no brothers and sisters and my mum died suddenly 2 years ago. I do have cousins living nearby who are close to my age (thankfully my mums brother was 15years younger than her). She done nearly everything for him and therefore he hasnt had to think for himself for years. I was going to move out before she died and in some ways im sort of trapped. If i wasnt here the situation would collapse, i sort the bills out, thankfully the mortgage has been paid off. He hasnt got a clue about bills, running a house, etc. partly due to dementia and part having it all done for him over the years.

Im on unpaid leave at the moment as im waiting for home help to come in from social services. He wont wash himself and has started sleeping in his clothes. I have to coax him to stand in the shower a couple of times with his pants on and then leave a brand new set of clothes on the bed. He has some v nice clothes but they dont get much use!

He has no hobbies apart from going to the pub twice a day where he tends to drink too much. Day centres would not be from him! He is quite charming to some people and a bit of a character but cranky and sharp with others. To be fair he's fine with me as he knows that without me he wouldnt cope and i do go to the local pubs with him as we both know lots of people. We do get on well and i took him to Ireland last year to meet up with his family.

He doesnt talk about the future as he never has done. My mum passing away was a huge shock for him. I have a girlfriend of 2 years who stays some nights, they get on ok but he does her head in (and mine). I own half the house and dont know how long i can handle him. Walking into my room in the middle of the night, cleaning wee off the floor, etc.

Im just writing this to tell my story. I do have holidays abroad and have a social life so things aren't that bad!! I do blame my mum for doing too much over the years and dont want any sympathy about her dying.

thanks for listening

bert

 

[Brucie]

Hello bert and welcome to Talking Point

Sorry you have to come here, but I hope you will find it helpful.

She [Mum] done nearly everything for him and therefore he hasnt had to think for himself for years.

have you thought that perhaps she saw something happening to him and just kind of filled the gap?

This is what happened when my wife started dementia - when a couple has a close relationship, it is difficult to see where one person starts and the other ends. Over time, their roles vary like tides in the sea.

I suspect from what you say that Mum figured something was up and just did what she needed to keep things going.

I do blame my mum for doing too much over the years and dont want any sympathy about her dying.

please don't blame her - a couple is a partnership where nobody can do too much. It is all negotiated consciously or unconsciously between them.

If you don't want sympathy about your Mum dying then I suspect you are in the wrong group of people here..... I mean this in the nicest way. There is always sympathy - it is what members just give other members. Yours is the choice whether or not to accept the sympathy.

 

[bert]

bert again

Thanks for the reply brucie. Ive just been so wrapped up in everything in the past 2 years, i do come across as harsh. I didnt really mean what i said in the last few lines. In some ways its a way of coping. My mum was a good decent person and maybe in the future i'll think of her more that way. My dad has always been fairly easy going so i suppose she done what she thought best.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Bert

It sounds as if you have built a wall around yourself to protect yourself from feeling too much.
Sorry if I`ve got it wrong.

Why don`t you make a note of all your father`s behaviours and make an appointment with his GP. There should be help for you and the GP will be able to make a referral.

If someone could help him morning and evening, it would take the strain off you.

Love xx

 

[bert]

thanks sylvia. i think you are right, i have built a wall or bubble around me. i was fairly harsh in my first post. i havent really had a chance to think about my mum since she died so i come across as sharp and abrupt. we're waiting for a home help to come in the next week or so. i think he'll be very abrupt but i'll give it a go. the lack of washing is doing my head in but im fed up moaning about it. its 11 a.m. and he has asked me about 50 times what time the pub opens at!! ive got a sign and calendar clock in the hall which helps a little bit.

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Bert

Sometimes people find it easier to accept help from strangers than from family. I hope this is so in your father`s case.

Love xx

 

[jane@hotmail]

Hi Bert,

I really sympathize with you at the moment. You must feel a huge responsibility towards your dad, because you know he wouldn't manage without you. It's difficult, because you're still young, trying to enjoy life with your girlfriend. The problems you're encountering are very common, and this stage of the illness is very frustrating, because sometimes the line is blurred for the carer, is it the disease or is it them simply being awkward. Believe me, 9 times out of 10 it's the illness. I had huge problems trying to get my mum to wash, she always was furious that I should suggest she have a wash when she believed she'd had a wash already that morning.

I think it's very important that you try and see as many poeple as possible to get yourself heard, starting with the doctor. Be as honest as you can be about finding it hard to cope with your fathers behaviour and how it's affecting your life. This needs to be done before you get to crisis point, which will happen if you try and cope alone. It would be great if you could plan regular respite care for your dad, and I know it's easier said than done, but that would allow you time to go off and do what you should be doing at your age, having fun. I'm sure your girlfriend would really appreciate it.

I'm sure you will find TP a help, even if just to let you know that your not alone trying to deal with this awful illness.

Jane

 

[bert]

bert again !!!

thanks jane. im going to a carers meeting on monday at the local AS. I only found out about it the other day. Its been great being online this morning and reading about similiar stories to mine. I was just trying to tell my story and i really appreciate replies and support

bert

 

[jane@hotmail]

Bert,

Glad you're going to the AS meeting, you need to seek support where ever you can find it.
You're doing a great job looking after your dad, and the fact you're an only child and share the same house puts you in a situation where you have few options. I'm sure there will be times ahead that we will be tough, but I can tell you love your father dearly, and with support, will do the best for you both.

Jane