A long rant. No replies needed

[Graybiker]

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!
I needed that.
Problem is how to support 3 people and prioritise their needs.
Brief as I can. Mam has Alzheimer's, lived with dad, he couldn't cope, she's been in a home for 3 weeks.
Dad is missing mam, feeling guilty and hates living alone.
Meanwhile I have a 19 yr old dd, diagnosed bpd, gad, panic disorder, health anxiety, sensory processing disorder, autisic traits and a benign tumour on pituitary gland, not life threatening but definitely symptomatic. Moved into her own place 3 months ago.
Single parent.

Today. Dad wants to go to dd's flat to paint doors. Kind thought but he also just wants to "keep busy" and to be brutally honest, he's no longer capable. Dd wants to make dinner for him.
I take him there, via the local shop. Then drive back to town and visit mam, there for 2.5 hours, she cries for 2 of them. Meanwhile, dd is ringing me, having a meltdown re health anxiety and trying to cook dinner, which
I helped her prepare the night before.
Get mam settled and head to dd's. Dad just wants to leave. Spend 10 mins comforting dd, who is in bed under the covers, persuade dad to wait another 10 mins while I try to salvage dinner.
Cook for dd and get everything ready for her, leave with dad, take him home, get him settled, go back to mine.
Half an hour later dd is on the phone for over an hour.

I have problems of my own, past ptsd,
How the hell do I decide who gets how much time?
Dd is lonely and wants me to spend more time with her, ditto dad, ditto mam really.
Brother lives abroad, has had a terrible family tragedy there and is struggling.
Someone please tell me how to split myself into four before
I go crazy!
Sorry, i know the situation can't change and that is the problem, just struggling.
Xx

 

[Graybiker]

To top it all off, just remembered I've forgotten to put the b****y bins out, again!

Note to self, remember to make vets appt for elderly cat who needs matts removed, tricky because they don't want to sedate her as she is recently diagnosed with kidney and liver problems and it takes 2 people to get her in her pet carrier.
*sigh*

 

[Amy in the US]

I wish I had brilliant advice, but don't. I can, however, offer, buckets of sympathy.

(Also buckets of gratitude if you figure out the cloning thing!)

Do try to find a moment for yourself to breathe, if possible. No good if you have a breakdown. Easy to say, hard to do, I get that.

I'm sorry.

 

[cobden28]

Just a suggestion, but is it worth considering whether your Dad and your daughter have had a needs assessment by the local social services department? Do either of them have any sort of carers other than yourself going in to see to them?

 

[Duggies-girl]

Not a lot of help but we had a cat that did not like going in the cat carrier. A friend suggested putting him in back end first, like reversing the car into the garage. It worked first time and every time after that. Worth a try.

 

[Graybiker]

I wish I had brilliant advice, but don't. I can, however, offer, buckets of sympathy.

(Also buckets of gratitude if you figure out the cloning thing!)

Do try to find a moment for yourself to breathe, if possible. No good if you have a breakdown. Easy to say, hard to do, I get that.

I'm sorry.

Thanks
And you'll be the first to know when I nail down the cloning thing.
Whinging I know, but struggling tonight, more than usual.
But thanks again, your kind words helped.
Now if I can just figure out how to sleep........ lol
Xx

 

[Graybiker]

Just a suggestion, but is it worth considering whether your Dad and your daughter have had a needs assessment by the local social services department? Do either of them have any sort of carers other than yourself going in to see to them?

Thanks for your concern.
Dd has 2 kinds of therapy, once a week each, a cpn she sees weekly and a housing support worker she sees weekly. Not much more I can get for her I don't think
Dad won't countenance care for himself, in fact he cancelled the carers we arranged for mam. Problem is he has no friends, nor mam come to that only family is me, my brother(abroad) and my dd.
My main problem is I am the only one that drives. Dad would rather walk to the shops than spend £5 on a taxi, then suffer all the next day with the resulting pain.
Dd has problems with public transport and is easily fatigued due to brain tumour and pain from walking re hip dysplasia and new inserts for shoes.
Oh I really am whingeing now!
Seriously though, I appreciate your concern, thanks
Xx

 

[Graybiker]

Not a lot of help but we had a cat that did not like going in the cat carrier. A friend suggested putting him in back end first, like reversing the car into the garage. It worked first time and every time after that. Worth a try.

Thank you, I will try this!
Poor thing, she's long haired, all black and beautiful. Never had any problems re matted fur intil she took ill a couple of months ago. I'm getting her used to a brush so am hoping that if I can get rid of the matts, I'll be able to keep on top of it.
Really dd's cat, 5th birthday present, if anything happens to her I don't know how dd will cope.
Thanks for the suggestion, appreciate it
Xx

 

[Amy in the US]

Explaining is not whinging, and we don't mind either way. Sometimes you need to get things off your chest, and this is a safe place to do it. I know it's kept me sane at difficult times.

I have one cat who happily goes into the carrier, and another (much larger and heavier) who wants nothing to do with it! Someone gave us this advice, and it sounds daft, but worked: set up the cat carrier on a counter or table or chair or other sturdy piece of furniture, not on the floor. Do this out of sight of the cat to be transported. Bring the cat into the room with the carrier, but don't let the cat see it-I back up to the carrier, then turn around and shove her in before she knows what has happened. Silly, but it worked.

I also just heard advice on a radio show from a cat behaviour expert, who suggested that if you leave the carrier out all the time, so it's just a piece of furniture and not a special objective, the cat will have a chance to get more used to it, mark it, maybe eat and sleep in it, and so it will be less of an object of fear. Worth a try if you have the room, I suppose. The theory was that cats are tied/attached to place (not to persons like dogs) and making the carrier part of their territory would lessen anxiety when they are removed from that territory.

I wish I knew what to suggest otherwise. I do know you can't be on call 24/7 for THREE other people, indefinitely, without suffering consequences. All I can do is offer support and a friendly ear.

 

[father ted]

No solutions Graybiker,

Only commiserations for the load you have to bear and admiration for all that you are doing. For what it is worth, you, like the rest of us are in the position you are in now because you were the only one who was responsible enough to hang around when needed and not run a mile or make excuses. Compassionate enough to try and help even if it wasn't always appreciated or it didn't always solve problems. If they had a Tripadvisor equivalent for carers you would have a 5 * rating and as we know those places are oversubscribed.

I know it doesn't help but I was so grateful for your message to me I felt I had to respond to tell you what a great job you are doing.

 

[MaryH]

I only have 2 with dementia and already feel pulled in different directions and about to come apart so cannot imagine what happens with 3. Someone I know have a husband with early onset and a daughter with developmental issues and full time job and feels the same.

Cannot help with solution but I am trying to schedule things and/or do the things with more urgency. With Mom, Dad, the flat they moved into and the recently sold house which I had to do a lot over 6+ month, my own stuff have fallen off the cliff a few times so lots of sympathies.

 

[lucypaddydog]

Graybiker thank you for your comments... now I don't feel so alone... and not so guilty for having a bad day myself. X

 

[Graybiker]

Sorry for the brief reply.
Thank you to all, your replies have been read, digested and are much appreciated. They really do help.
Just not enough time to reply properly
Xx