Live in care

[Laurenc83]

HI,
My grandmother has moderate dementia and up until recently was living at home with a carer visiting each day. Recently her behaviour has become increasingly violent and difficult to manage. She is 86 but very fit and active so wondering is a big problem. Her carer felt he could no longer manage and has quit and so we have taken the decision to put nan in a care home near myself and my sister so that we could visit regularly ( her home is approx 200 miles away ) we are 3 days in and she is very unsettled and has already attacked 3 people. The real issue I have is that my aunt has today spoken to nan on the phone and told her she can come home and have live in carers. Of course nan is now insisting on this!! I wondered if anyone has experience of this option and whether they would be able to manage dementia of this level in a home setting? Probably worth mentioning that my aunt did try caring for nan her self but lasted a week before asking for help. Sorry for the essay but really don’t know what to do for the best , thank you

 

[canary]

Hello Laurence and welcome to Talking Point

Your mums previous carer quit because he couldnt manage, your aunt only lasted a week and your mum has attacked 3 people in the care home!
Do you really think that a live in carer could manage? Im afraid that I dont.

What Im wondering is how you know that your aunt suggested this? Has that report come from your nan, or from your aunt? If its come from your nan then I think its possible that its just wishful thinking

 

[Laurenc83]

Hi canary,
My aunt has been championing the live in care approach for some time and nan was dead against it until this call today so although I don’t know for sure it seems likely. I just don’t know if I can keep dismissing the Iive in care option without knowing for sure it’s not suitable although all of my common sense tells me it wouldn’t work

 

[Beate]

On which authority is your aunt saying this? Has she got LPA?

 

[HillyBilly]

The real issue I have is that my aunt has today spoken to nan on the phone and told her she can come home and have live in carers.

Who will be funding the live-in carers?
Is your Nan self-funding? Does your Aunt have POA?

 

[love.dad.but..]

I tried two live in carers and it didn't work ttoo well. Dad wasn't physically aggressive but was not very compliant with personal care...sadly he was by then too vulnerable so we took the care home decision. From what you have described and conversations with the two agencies I used about dementia expertise...or lack of in their carers from my experience...and the need to keep their carer safe working on their own with your Nan ..I don't think personally that this is a workable long term solution and you are probably just delaying the inevitable that she now needs 24 hour good dementia care. It is unfortunate that your Aunt didn't follow the family line but if for whatever reason she was quick to suggest Nan returning home maybe she should speak again to Nan and tell her whatever may work...no live in carers available atm..need to get a carers bedroom ready so will take a few weeks etc..in the hope that over the next few weeks she settles a little more in the care home provided they can manage her aggressive behaviour. Feel Aunt is looking through rose coloured glasses at the real dementia situation and is blinkered to Nan's real needs.Does someone have poa for your Nan?

 

[Laurenc83]

Thank you for your responses it sounds as though my first thoughts were probably correct, my sister and uncle have Poa Not my aunt

 

[Kerryblue]

Hi not been on here for a while but your post compelled me to write. I don't know if it will help but we tried everything to keep my mum in her own home with live in carers. Sadly she became too much for all of them. She could not understand why there were strangers in her house. She constantly tried to force them to leave. She thought she could do everything herself and her memory (short term) was and is non existent. For over two years we tried and tried despite daily dramas and all sorts of upsets, we kept trying.

An infection caused by her dropping something on her foot,and an escape from my moving car meant a stay in hospital. My mum has no insight into her condition. She was finally placed in a care home in the upstairs locked ward about three months ago.

She is not settled. She is not happy. As soon as we visit and leave she has no idea we have been. I believe the staff are kind but of course it's not "home".

I reach out to you because I want you to see that bringing a loved one home isn't always the right thing. It might be for us, and maybe for our consciences (in my case) but I have to remind myself I would feel even worse and so would my mum if she were to come home and have yet another accident or fall.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that my glasses too, can become rose tinted. It might seem the ideal and best thing, particularly when someone is begging to come home. Sadly for my mum, home is a concept now. You are not alone. I guess we just have to keep going.

 

[HillyBilly]

Hi not been on here for a while but your post compelled me to write. I don't know if it will help but we tried everything to keep my mum in her own home with live in carers. Sadly she became too much for all of them. She could not understand why there were strangers in her house. She constantly tried to force them to leave. She thought she could do everything herself and her memory (short term) was and is non existent. For over two years we tried and tried despite daily dramas and all sorts of upsets, we kept trying.

An infection caused by her dropping something on her foot,and an escape from my moving car meant a stay in hospital. My mum has no insight into her condition. She was finally placed in a care home in the upstairs locked ward about three months ago.

She is not settled. She is not happy. As soon as we visit and leave she has no idea we have been. I believe the staff are kind but of course it's not "home".

I reach out to you because I want you to see that bringing a loved one home isn't always the right thing. It might be for us, and maybe for our consciences (in my case) but I have to remind myself I would feel even worse and so would my mum if she were to come home and have yet another accident or fall.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that my glasses too, can become rose tinted. It might seem the ideal and best thing, particularly when someone is begging to come home. Sadly for my mum, home is a concept now. You are not alone. I guess we just have to keep going.

Lovely post @Kerryblue x

 

[DollyBird16]

@Kerryblue
Thank you for posting it’s sound advice and a reality check that I need as those glasses often appear.
I wish you, Mum and yours the best. Thank you again. X

 

[Kerryblue]

Lovely post @Kerryblue x

Thanks but just from the heart. 24 hours later and I am still overworking my brain thinking I can get mum out tomorrow and bring her to stay with me. If I DID do that I am sure I would be back on this forum within two hours saying "what HAVE i done"??? X