Full time care coming up

wink62

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
32
0
After looking after my 80 yr old husband for 5 years on my own I am now arranging for him to go into full time care
Can anyone help me with ideas on how to actually get him in there ?
Also how often do we visit them
I’m also facing the Christmas problem with some dread
Help please
 

Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
3,382
0
After looking after my 80 yr old husband for 5 years on my own I am now arranging for him to go into full time care
Can anyone help me with ideas on how to actually get him in there ?
Also how often do we visit them
I’m also facing the Christmas problem with some dread
Help please
I said to my husband that I needed a rest, I visit once a week it might seem cruel to some people but they do need to settle into the new routine, I am going to ask about spending the day there on Christmas Day and having lunch, hope this is some help to you
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
How often you visit him is how often you are comfortable visiting him. That can be every day, every three days, once a week, once a month... It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's your individual approach. I would just say that while some people say don't visit too often at the beginning to give them a chance to settle in, I found the opposite option working for me - I'm there every day right now to make sure the staff do what they are supposed to do and everything works. Once it does I'll probably cut down on the visits, as they can be very draining.
 

Frank68

Registered User
Jan 28, 2013
96
0
South Coast
Hi Wink,
First of all to say I really feel for you at this time- such a hard decision but you know when the time is right.
Getting your husband in: When my wife Sue went residential nearly four months ago the care home offered some day-care days to get him used to the place. Might be worth asking? Otherwise
The sort of subterfuge suggested by Baker is probably a good idea - 'we both need a little holiday/ rest....
How often to visit? As Beate says, there is no hard and fast rules and it depends on you - and him. I visit on four days each week, sometimes five. Sue is very mobile and likes outings so we go out - Church / singing group / drop-in / cafes / lunch at a friend's perhaps.
I had visions of probably visiting less than I do but: A. Sue's always pleased to see me and to go out, although she has settled well she enjoys the outings and is stimulated by them. B. I just miss her so dreadfully I need to see her and do things together as much as I can.
So, perhaps set yourself an initial plan of when you might visit BUT be prepared to adapt to suit and as time goes by.
I think most establishments will welcome family for a meal and not charge for it. We are holding a small birthday party for Sue in November, 10 guests, and the Home are turning their usual teatime into a party with special sandwiches etc and I have baked a very large rich fruit cake (it's my first solo effort - looks ok but previous attempts at icing have not been too good!).
All the best - love and prayers - as you go through this next stage in this frightful journey.
Frank x
 

wink62

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
32
0
Hi Wink,
First of all to say I really feel for you at this time- such a hard decision but you know when the time is right.
Getting your husband in: When my wife Sue went residential nearly four months ago the care home offered some day-care days to get him used to the place. Might be worth asking? Otherwise
The sort of subterfuge suggested by Baker is probably a good idea - 'we both need a little holiday/ rest....
How often to visit? As Beate says, there is no hard and fast rules and it depends on you - and him. I visit on four days each week, sometimes five. Sue is very mobile and likes outings so we go out - Church / singing group / drop-in / cafes / lunch at a friend's perhaps.
I had visions of probably visiting less than I do but: A. Sue's always pleased to see me and to go out, although she has settled well she enjoys the outings and is stimulated by them. B. I just miss her so dreadfully I need to see her and do things together as much as I can.
So, perhaps set yourself an initial plan of when you might visit BUT be prepared to adapt to suit and as time goes by.
I think most establishments will welcome family for a meal and not charge for it. We are holding a small birthday party for Sue in November, 10 guests, and the Home are turning their usual teatime into a party with special sandwiches etc and I have baked a very large rich fruit cake (it's my first solo effort - looks ok but previous attempts at icing have not been too good!).
All the best - love and prayers - as you go through this next stage in this frightful journey.
Frank x

Hi Frank
Thank you so much for responding it must be hard for you without sue
What ages are you ?
I’m in my early sixties and have young grandchildren so won’t be lonely also I belong to a huge church in Huddersfield and am looking forward to being able to help there
Re church how does Sue respond to it now
David was ok until recently but has stopped singing now and wants to go after 20 mins fidgeting like a child needing the toilet etc so may not go again until he’s gone into the home
Please keep in touch it’s good to find someone on TP who is in the same boat
 

LizK

Registered User
Dec 18, 2015
124
0
Surrey
I agree with Beate and have been going every day for 18 months. Like her, I like to keep an eye on things and have had a few changes made at the NH because of my comments. Like Beate, I find it very draining, but if I don't go I wonder all the time what's happening in my absence. Last week Peter said "I hate it in here" and Saturday he said "I don't want to die in here". It is very upsetting, especially as he virtually has no language now.

Liz
 

wink62

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
32
0
How often you visit him is how often you are comfortable visiting him. That can be every day, every three days, once a week, once a month... It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's your individual approach. I would just say that while some people say don't visit too often at the beginning to give them a chance to settle in, I found the opposite option working for me - I'm there every day right now to make sure the staff do what they are supposed to do and everything works. Once it does I'll probably cut down on the visits, as they can be very draining.
Hi thanks for your comment very helpful the home I’m using isn’t quite open yet it’s a purpose built care home so we’re just waiting for them to come out and do the assessment
I’m ready to let him go though because I cannot do it anymore
Six years on my own with no help had been very hard
I’m hoping to be able to rebuild my life not sure how !
 

Frank68

Registered User
Jan 28, 2013
96
0
South Coast
Hi Wink,
Yes - the great thing about TP is that it does put one in touch with others in the same boat - even if the boat feels like it's sinking sometimes!!
I'm sorry your husband has the fidgets. I really know what that's like as it has been a great characteristic of Sue's condition for a long time! Totally exhausting when she was at home - and she still is on the prowl most of the time in the Care Home but they just seem to let her get on with it. She actually wanders a little less since going there than she did at home.
Music has really been good for us though. Sue played her piano regularly until last November when she suddenly stopped but she still loves singing. We have both been involved with church music all of our lives. Our Church is in a neighbouring village, a pretty little mediaeval building with a good and loving congregation. The usual service is Holy Communion so I think the familiar pattern week by week helps Sue - and she sings away to the hymns and the sung parts of the service. She has no language really but that doesn't phase her and thankfully she sings perfectly in time and tune!! The ritual of going up to receive Communion also seems to strike a chord with her - latterly I have to prompt her to put her hands out and assist her with the chalice but she has such a look of awe and delight at that moment that it's rather humbling and wonderful. One Sunday each month however we have a more informal service - lots of different words and prayers and of course she cannot really follow all that so she fidgets a bit.
I suspect I have worried too much about the fidgeting and should have just let her get on with it when she was at home - put a gate at the bottom of the stairs and locks on kitchen door. I also think I worried too much about it when we were out. Most churches these days are tolerant of children wandering around - provide toy-bags etc. - so why not of those with dementia? Might be worth sitting near the door? - you could go and have a little walk and come back perhaps even only if in time for coffee?
Better stop now as I am going to see Sue this morning - yesterday was a "day-off" but I still missed her so much I was very miserable (not helped by realising the episode of Victoria that I had watched off my recorder was the last in the series....)
I am 71 btw and Sue will be 72 in November - 9 years since diagnosis...
Regards
Frank
 

wink62

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
32
0
Hi Wink,
Yes - the great thing about TP is that it does put one in touch with others in the same boat - even if the boat feels like it's sinking sometimes!!
I'm sorry your husband has the fidgets. I really know what that's like as it has been a great characteristic of Sue's condition for a long time! Totally exhausting when she was at home - and she still is on the prowl most of the time in the Care Home but they just seem to let her get on with it. She actually wanders a little less since going there than she did at home.
Music has really been good for us though. Sue played her piano regularly until last November when she suddenly stopped but she still loves singing. We have both been involved with church music all of our lives. Our Church is in a neighbouring village, a pretty little mediaeval building with a good and loving congregation. The usual service is Holy Communion so I think the familiar pattern week by week helps Sue - and she sings away to the hymns and the sung parts of the service. She has no language really but that doesn't phase her and thankfully she sings perfectly in time and tune!! The ritual of going up to receive Communion also seems to strike a chord with her - latterly I have to prompt her to put her hands out and assist her with the chalice but she has such a look of awe and delight at that moment that it's rather humbling and wonderful. One Sunday each month however we have a more informal service - lots of different words and prayers and of course she cannot really follow all that so she fidgets a bit.
I suspect I have worried too much about the fidgeting and should have just let her get on with it when she was at home - put a gate at the bottom of the stairs and locks on kitchen door. I also think I worried too much about it when we were out. Most churches these days are tolerant of children wandering around - provide toy-bags etc. - so why not of those with dementia? Might be worth sitting near the door? - you could go and have a little walk and come back perhaps even only if in time for coffee?
Better stop now as I am going to see Sue this morning - yesterday was a "day-off" but I still missed her so much I was very miserable (not helped by realising the episode of Victoria that I had watched off my recorder was the last in the series....)
I am 71 btw and Sue will be 72 in November - 9 years since diagnosis...
Regards
Frank
Hi frank ,
I'm looking at a couple of weeks until my husband goes into full time residential care have you any tips on actually getting him in there on the day ,how did you do it ?do we pack all his clothes or just a few things? What do I tell him.?
Any help would be appreciated
Kind regards Wendy
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
With my Mum, I packed only a small selection of her clothes and then was gradually able to add to her wardrobe over the next days/weeks. I think she enjoyed seeing her "gifts" of "new" clothes.
 

wink62

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
32
0
With my Mum, I packed only a small selection of her clothes and then was gradually able to add to her wardrobe over the next days/weeks. I think she enjoyed seeing her "gifts" of "new" clothes.
Thank you that's a good idea !
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,442
0
Kent
Hello Wink

I told my husband the doctor said he needed to go to a convalescent home to build up his strength. I visited alternate days.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I told mum she was convalescing too.

I packed a small bag for her and later added possessions to her room (a bedside cabinet and chest of drawers, a small lamp, photos and pictures, throw for her bed and cushions for her chair). Then I went though her clothes and only took was would be suitable - she was never going to wear her evening gown and smart suit again and I also rejected clothes that would be too hard for her to put on. BTW - make sure you label absolutely everything that you take there and dont take valuable stuff, things that are irreplaceable and also take scans of any photos - things tend to go walkabout in dementia care homes! I dont mean that staff pinch things, its just that people with dementia tend to wander in and out of other peoples rooms and dont have much idea of what belongs to them. Mum also had this tendency to carry her things about with her and leave them all over the care home. I have also heard of other residents who deliberately broke, tore up or binned their possessions.

I couldnt visit mum as often as I would have liked because of OH, but I used to phone the CH to see how she was doing.
 

Frank68

Registered User
Jan 28, 2013
96
0
South Coast
Hi Wink,
All the above ideas are good - just find the most plausible reason that you think he will understand for 'the little break' that you both need.
When you actually leave him there it can be a very bad moment - maybe good to have a good friend or relative waiting to take you home, and have some plans for the next days.. I was given good advice on here about not looking back - too upsetting for me! Your husband will be OK - the staff will be (or should be) expert at distraction and helping people to settle in.
I dismantled Sue's room at home and took shelf unit that held various "memory" items and installed it before she went in. Put up lots of photos of all the family, her parents etc and some artwork of hers and pot plants. So the day we arrived there was a lot that was familiar to greet her.
Clothing etc: don't take too much to start with and bear in mind the good advice re labelling and stuff going walkabout! Sue is a major culprit - we were out the other day and I realised she was squinting bit - realised she was wearing someone else's specs with terrifically high prescription whereas her is very mild. On return one of the staff remembered seeing a little parcel of tissue in the lounge - there they were! Swop the shoes is another favourite game - followed by me playing hunt the shoes!! Sue has favoured jeans with a belt, but that has proved tricky as the belts go walkabout very regularly and then the jeans fall down. I have bought some pull-ups - but cannot say they are particularly "her"... I went through Sue's wardrobe at home and charity-shopped some stuff that had become too small - now, probably because she endlessly is "on patrol" / circuit training she has lost some weight around the waist.. grr! So maybe pack stuff away in a box so you don't have to look at it but hang fire on getting rid of stuff. New routines.. different diet ??
Let us know how it goes.
Frank x
 

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