Life without him....

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
We were married for fifty seven years. For fifty five we made our home in about thirty different places. Home was wherever we were together. For most of the last two years he was being cared for in other houses, Care Homes, where they could cope with the difficulties that I could not. I spent my days going through the motions of life without really feeling part of it, and spending as much time as I could with him. He died peacefully. I held his hand and kissed his nose. I don't think he knew it was me.

His unoccupied chair bothers me, even though he hasn't sat in it since March of last year. The quiet is quieter. Jokes are less funny. Food is less interesting.

Yesterday we said goodbye. Our two sons stood up and spoke the loving words we had prepared together for our good byes. Two grown men, both faltered slightly. He would have been so proud. We didn't want any gloom; that wasn't his style.

Today the sky is grey and it's drizzling. It feels right.

And now I must go on without him....there doesn't seem to be much point.
 
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2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
0
West Midlands
I hear you. I’m listening to you and holding you tight

I hear your pain and sadness

Nothing is the point at the moment. There is no point in doing everything.... carrying on alone with reminders everywhere to remind you. At this time, Nothing makes sense.

In time the good memories will shine through I promise.

If the chair is in a painful reminder place... move the chair. It won’t take away any of the feelings you have, but it might delay them by not being in it’s usual place

Squishy hug. Holding your hand tight xxxx
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
I hear you. I’m listening to you and holding you tight

I hear your pain and sadness

Nothing is the point at the moment. There is no point in doing everything.... carrying on alone with reminders everywhere to remind you. At this time, Nothing makes sense.

In time the good memories will shine through I promise.

If the chair is in a painful reminder place... move the chair. It won’t take away any of the feelings you have, but it might delay them by not being in it’s usual place

Squishy hug. Holding your hand tight xxxx
THANKYOU 2 Jays. I will move the chair....xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
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Kent
Dhiren's chair is as it was Anne. I often look at it . Others have sat in it but it stays where it was. When I talk about him in our living room, I either point to his chair or turn to it. Everyone knows.

My friend sits in her husband's chair only. She feels she is wrapped in his arms.

Please don't make hasty decisions . It's too soon to make changes.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,001
0
72
Dundee
Thinking of you Anne and understanding how you feel.

I'm another who hasn't moved 'the chair.' I don't sit in it, but it is and always will be Bill's chair. The only two people who sit in it are my brother when he visits and David, our close friend and Bill's carer. Like Sylvia I motioner turn towards that chair if I'm speaking about him. It makes me feel as if he is included.

Like others I have got used to my new situation. I don't like it but as they say 'it is what it is'. I don't really like that phrase but it does sum up what I feel.

I hope sharing how your feel on here helps a little So many of us will understand what you're going through. These are early days for you. Take your time. I felt I had to go with the flow and I ended up doing what I thought was right for me as I went along. What's right for one of us may not be right for others.

Wishing you strength.
 

mjw1304

Registered User
Oct 9, 2017
34
0
Your grief is still so raw and you are grieving for the man you lost to this dreadful disease as well as the man he became. It is too soon to make any changes in your life. Time will help you and I send you lots of hugs xxx
 

maryw

Registered User
Nov 16, 2008
3,809
0
Surrey
Dear RA, just go slowly and only do what you feel you can. You have had a huge shock; it will get better.

Nearly six decades of memories - wow! What an amazing shared life and filled with travel xxxxxxx
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
9,842
0
leicester
I haven't moved the chair, but it is now my chair, and I'm not left looking at an empty chair..

There is no right or wrong way to do this, move the chair if you don't like it you can put it back!.

Be gentle on yourself xx
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
I still have William's chair (it's very rickety and a bit of a death trap, tbh!). I don't use it often, but now and then it's nice to relax in. I put the cushion I bought him for his last birthday on it, and my shawl on the back.

Thinking of you RA. It's a very hard time. Everyone else kind of moves on with their lives. Eventually, some day, you will go forward too, but there's always going to be that "absence", a feeling of part of you being missing.
 

Loopiloo

Registered User
May 10, 2010
6,117
0
Scotland
Dear Anne, your sad post brought tears to my eyes. I empathise and understand. We were also married 57 years when my husband died June of last year. 3 months before our 58th wedding anniversary. It is a long time to have shared a life together. I know the feeling of going on without him not seeming to have much point.

This is a very hard time for you, and it is such early days. All you can do is take each day as it comes, allow yourself to grieve, be gentle on yourself . You’ve been through a lot within a short space of time, especially with your surgery as well. Just getting through each day is enough of a challenge just now, and letting your body heal from the operation.

Good advice not to make hasty decisions you may later regret.

I was also bothered by Henry’s empty chair, more so than when he was in a care home his last five years. I also would gesture towads his chair, look at it, whenever he was part of a conversation. Subconsciously including him.

II hope you will write and find comfort on TP as many of us do who have lost our husbands over the past three years or so. It is the only place where people really do know what dementia is, what it does to lives, the effect of the losses including the final loss.

My thoughts are with you and I wish you continuing strength. In time your memories from the past will comfort and help, even although at present memories are painful. It takes time.....

Love
Loo xx
 
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Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,776
0
Kent
Dear RA...you have been very brave sharing your feelings with us today...and so many of us have been where you are now, so when we say that we know...we really do. And, although you cannot see us...you have been held in our thoughts ... and will continue to be. These very dark days will pass. He will be with you, in your heart and in the eyes of your lovely sons. There seems to be no comfort in the world now, but one day soon, something will make you smile...and in a while, the good days will outnumber the bad. You won’t ever forget, you won’t leave him behind here, he will be with you for as long as you remember him...which will be forever.
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
The chair is still there...I couldn't quite bring myself to move it...and, yes, it will be a comfort to sit in his place some times...So, for the time being, , it will stay. His photo is on the low table behind it. I was going to put it away, but there he is, every time I look across. So it will stay....He seems to be looking at something over my shoulder.
Soon I'll be able to start driving again after my operation, and getting out will help, I hope.
 

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
3,693
0
Just sending you massive, squishy hugs, Anne - don't know what to say, other than to repeat the advice to give yourself time - thinking of you xxxxx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
I have a photo of Dhiren in the living room and bedroom Anne, also on my computer so his is the first face I see when I log on. He is smiling for me.

I hope you are managing to sleep and are not suffering too much from your surgery.
 

CeliaW

Registered User
Jan 29, 2009
5,643
0
Hampshire
Sending supportive hugs RA. I have a picture of Mum on the lockscreen of my phone and I tell her I love her everytime I unlock my phone. I also have an alarm on my phone for 6pm as that was the time I always phoned Mum (both when she lived at home and in the CH - although there were many other times when she was at home!) and when it goes off I go to my phone and say good night and I love you to her. Might seem strange to some but, like many comments above, it gives me comfort and, although Mum is always in my heart, it makes me feel closer to her.

I hope you find such things that bring you comfort.

Take care xx
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
THANKYOU. You're all so kind and understanding.

In so many ways he's been gone for quite a while anyway, so this new bleakness is a bit surprising.
As you say, time will help.

His sister, in Canada, also has dementia, and has stopped eating. I feel so sad for her younger daughter, with children and a husband of her own, who has been left looking after her mother.