What to do for the best?

[sue_1]

Good evening all you good people on talking point, I am looking for your opinions on what you would do in this situation as i just do not know what or how to change things,
For the past two months mum has turned on my other half, she will not speak to him and will make it obvious that anything she says is not aimed at him, she is causing a very bad atmosphere when he is at home, if he coughs or speaks to me she will turn around tutting to her self, it has got to the point where he can no longer sit in the living room when she is sat there. This is not fair its his house he pays all the bills, he works 11hrs a day five days a week often he has late night call outs and cannot relax when he is at home. Mum has also told her friends, carers and day center staff some wicked things about him that are simply not true. I myself feel on edge as I can not relax either as I feel I cant leave her sat in living room on her own in the evening but then I cant leave hubby sat at the kitchen table on his own all evening when he has done nothing wrong. This sittuation is begining to have an affect on his health he is so tired. ..Flipping dementia

 

[Sammie234]

How frustrating for you both, that your mum should be taking out her frustrations on your husband. He has a perfect right to sit in his own front room, have you tried ignoring or maybe just change the conversation to another subject when she has a pop at him and Im sure everyone understands the things she has said are tinged by her dementia.

 

[margherita]

If I were in your shoes,I would leave my mum alone most of the evenings.
She is a guest.She has dementia, I know. You take care of her and give her help and love.
She is ill, but she won't be less ill if you let her offend your husband and spoil your married life.

 

[love.dad.but..]

This is difficult because in trying to change the situation it is probable your mum will feel excluded but tbh that will often happen because of the dementia anyway, the pwd gradually retreats into their world. If it were me, your mum is going to huff and puff at your OH regardless of what you try so I would encourage oH to ignore any tuts or comments and take his seat with you in the living room. Try distractions but if that doesn't work, depending on her stage of dementia and understanding, perhaps try to settle her instead in the kitchen or her room but leave her to decide if she wishes to stay in the living room, tempting short term fix for OH to go elsewhere but that isn't fair on him and not a long term solution if the problem escalates.Carers and day centre staff should be used to and understand that pwd tell long tales and untruths about their nearest and dearest. Friends unless they have seen dementia first hand understand this less. If the things she is saying are greatly concerning you I would chat to those who have contact with her to say as part of her illness she is prone to believing or misunderstanding things are true that are not.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Just an extra thought...if your mum has developed this against your OH only during the last two months, could it be that her mental state and understanding has declined further in this short time so that she believes the house is hers and maybe can still recognise that you should still be around her as a daughter but she cannot remember who he is and why he is in 'her' house? My dad would tut or make what I called his 'emu and slapped backside' face if I had anyone else visiting because his dementia made him quite resentful of others taking my attention and possibly possessive of my attention. Dementia can make a person quite selfish at quite any early stage. The phase passed as he declined but others phases replaced.

 

[Tin]

Don't worry about leaving your mother alone, If I were you I would put an armchair in the kitchen or even her bedroom and if the tutting and ignoring starts then move her. Don't let your husband spend all his free time alone.

When my mum did this with a visiting friend of mine, I told mum how rude she was being and that she should go and watch tv in her own room.

 

[Fullticket]

Mum does not 'have it in' for my partner but she has absolutely no interest in sports/war films on the tele and lets him know - loudly. Requests to put a sock in it and consider her behaviour fell on deaf ears (single minded and manipulative lady in health and now with dementia - you can imagine). When we lived in London with one sitting room, this caused all sorts of upsets and my other half often departed to the bedroom to avoid confrontation, mum crying and me having to play referee (she cried but I honestly believe she relished it). As we only took her on with his agreement, I was frankly tempted to give up on looking after her; my OH is my priority, not her but I course I felt guilty and hugely stressed.
We moved out of London and are fortunate she now has her own area to sit in and watch tele so I try to split my attention between them with an emphasis on OH. TBH once mum is settled in front of a programme that shows endless repeats of QI, Have I Got News For You, etc. she is 'contented' and usually dozes off so she has no idea I have not checked on her for a couple of hours. Tea supplied at regular intervals of course.
Obviously, it depends on how far along this endless road they are but it works for us at the moment.

 

[marionq]

Mum does not 'have it in' for my partner but she has absolutely no interest in sports/war films on the tele and lets him know - loudly. Requests to put a sock in it and consider her behaviour fell on deaf ears (single minded and manipulative lady in health and now with dementia - you can imagine). When we lived in London with one sitting room, this caused all sorts of upsets and my other half often departed to the bedroom to avoid confrontation, mum crying and me having to play referee (she cried but I honestly believe she relished it). As we only took her on with his agreement, I was frankly tempted to give up on looking after her; my OH is my priority, not her but I course I felt guilty and hugely stressed.
We moved out of London and are fortunate she now has her own area to sit in and watch tele so I try to split my attention between them with an emphasis on OH. TBH once mum is settled in front of a programme that shows endless repeats of QI, Have I Got News For You, etc. she is 'contented' and usually dozes off so she has no idea I have not checked on her for a couple of hours. Tea supplied at regular intervals of course.
Obviously, it depends on how far along this endless road they are but it works for us at the moment.

Go down the bed sitting room route. Armchair and ownTV and give husband his place. Invalids can be serious bullies. My SIL did this stuff with me when she stayed with us for a few months. I organised VeryShelteredHousing for her but I realise with dementia that isn’t possible.

 

[Greenie Pie]

I can empathise completely . For a long time we battled the Humphs sighs tuts. Actually either trying to reason or discuss or argue etc. Long and short none of this worked and my mother actively enjoyed the wedge she was driving between us . The only route we found saved our sanity and marriage (just) was to ignore all and unite as joint front . This seems cruel possibly but it was the only route. Absolutely everything I.S a cause for a moan or criticism .
She keeps threatening to get a real man in to fix the millions or things that need doing . There are lots but at least two hours are taken clearing poo and other fluids each day .,,, this somehow escaped notice but the loose curtain rail ..,, well don’t get me started.

I would say either be nice or go to watch tv in your own room perhaps in new chair or new tv . So there is some pull as well as a push. Don’t let her destroy your future which will happen if you completely ignore your husband and or relationship . Try to ignore it as best you can
All the best