Both parents!

[Hollywood]

Hallo everybody. I am a bit bewildered. It is three years ago today that my husband died, he had Alzheimers and I nursed him through for 9 years. Having had awful suspicions about my aged parents, I started the procedures for diagnosis a few months ago and have finally and very recently learned that my father has vascular dementia and my mother has mixed dementia. They live together,independently,and I have arranged Age Uk to do basic household tasks. My main problem is that when my dad goes "off the wall" my mother thinks he is doing it on purpose; he can't help her like he used to do, and she thinks he is being awkward. Due to her problems, I can't get her to understand the nature of the disease, and, not to put too fine a point, their house is filled with hate. My father can't understand what he is doing/not doing/ wrong. My mother shouts,screams at him, and thinks his lack of help for her is a deliberate act of malice. It is a terrible and sad situation. They have been married for 67 years - happily- but now push has come to shove. Today, my mother went out, my father had an "episode", thought it was night, couldn't find my mother, ended up locking her out at 3pm, she got on the phone to me, shrieking she was going to kill him...you know the score.
I thought my dad had an infection, and got the GP out (THAT was a long haul, too!!), but no infection, therefore no help, just got left to it, basically. My nephew is spending tonight with them, I will be there tomorrow, but I have a chronically ill and disabled son, who does have carers, but I need to see him and I have spinal stenosis and am on crutches. I have been splitting myself like the Atom for months but I am a bit at my wits' end. I spoke to Social Services earlier today, but they say they can only offer personal care ie washing self etc, which they are actually doing themselves, so not really appropriate. My mother is very resistant to change, she has OCD, she just keeps saying she wants my father "out", never wants to see him again. My poor old dad just sits there and wishes he was dead. I really am struggling. My brother lives two hours away, and my sister "can't cope" and is moving in three weeks' time to Devon -5 hours away. Has anybody got any ideas? I am really struggling, this forum was my lifeline when I was dealing with my husband. I need an objective opinion, and someone to tell me what to do!!! Thanks in advance. Sorry, long post, but just when you think things are at their worst and can't get any worse, Fate says "Hold My Beer"!!

 

[Cat27]

What a nightmare for you all.
Do you think emergency respite might be a good idea? If so demand it from social services.

 

[Putford]

My thoughts are with you, my situation is very similar and it’s difficult when both parents have dementia.
I had to call their GP and stress to her that I was very concerned about their welfare and that unless something was done soon then it could lead to a crisis. Basically - i laid it on thick.
She made a home visit and came back to me with some suggestions, at least she’s now fully aware and has followed up with regular visits from a social worker etc.
I’m 5 hours away (in Devon) and feel guilty for having a nice, quiet life, but even if I lived next door it wouldn’t make a difference, neither of them will accept any outside help.
Would your dad be ok by himself if your mum had a break somewhere? My mum had a spell in hospital and a half way house to be assessed after a fall and a small breakdown, while she was away my dad had a break and the difference in him was staggering, he looked better and improved. It made them miss each other and they wanted each other back. Just a thought but a break from each other might work. Maybe suggest a respite break to Social Services?
I’m no expert and I’m new to this forum, but the main thing is to keep positive and smile even though it’s hard work.

 

[Georgina63]

Oh @Hollywood what a difficult situation. For a while, my parents, both of whom have Alzheimer's were at home together, so I do empathise with what a complex situation this is. Might one or other of them deemed to be at risk? Although at the time it was very stressful to manage, Mum was classed as a vulnerable adult (after police were called following an incident) which then did improve the level of care and attention they received from social services. For us I suppose that was reaching a crisis point, which unfortunately seems to sometimes be a catalyst for getting the right help in place. I hope you get some good advice and help. Georgina X

 

[Linbrusco]

I feel for you Hollywood.
My Mum 76 was diagnsoed with Alzheimers in 2013. Dad 80 with MCI a year later ( possible FTD)
My parents lived behind me, and I was Mums main carer.
It was an impossible situation, made worse by Dad not understanding one iota, of Mums illness.
My sister thought all we needed to do was to increase care... Personal care, Home Help and extra Day care for Mum, but at the end of the day it was still Mum & Dad coping together 24/7.

Early 2016, reached crisis point for me....
Mum had several UTI's, trips to GP and hospital.... each UTI making her dementia worse.
Dad increasingly frustrated by Mums behaviour, would do things like refuse to make her meal... she can do it herself he said....wouldn't help her get a bath ready, if she had lost something he refused to help her find it.....or simply refuse to talk to her.
He would leave her on her own while he went to the shop, or if he had enough, go to his club and not let us know that he had even gone.... after all, he had told Mum where he was going. She should have remembered!

The final straw was Mum not always recognising who Dad was. She was often scared of him.
One day while I was out with my son, but DH at home, she went to my house shaking like a leaf, scared of " that man" she thought he was going to attack her.
Round about this time, I came down with shingles. Then DH had a major surgery scheduled, so I I convinced my sister that we had to book Respite care. I couldn't cope with both.
As it happened a permanent position was available, and Mum never came home from Respite.
Mum has been in care now 15 mnths.
It hasn't been easy, but its been the best solution for all of us.