Travel difficulties

[ann50]

I have arranged to visit family and friends in the North East, about 4 hours away by car, in November. The plans have been in place for 6 months but all of a sudden my husband (who has FTD) is refusing to go. He says it’s because there may be bad weather but a suggestion to travel by train instead has also been refused so I think it’s more a case of he doesn’t want to go outside of his comfort zone.
My two adult children think that I should override his views and insis that we go, even to the extent of just getting him into the car on the day. I’m unwilling to do that I think as I should be respecting his views however frustrating it is to me.
Has anybody encountered this problem and, if so, how have you dealt with it?

 

[LadyA]

Hello @ann50 and welcome. This situation must be a worry for you. I know with my husband, it got to where we just couldn't go far from home at all. Do you feel your husband would be alright once you arrived at your destination? If you want to try making the trip, I suggest you don't mention it at all for now, and if he does, give the subject a brief, vague answer and then change the subject. And if you can, keep him away from weather forecasts! They must be inducing anxiety in him. (They certainly are in me!)

 

[HillyBilly]

The idea of travelling is often too much for a PWD. Any thought of things planned in the future is often too much, even if it's tomorrow, never mind next month.
Also being in an unfamiliar environment can be disconcerting.
So, you could get him there by subterfuge (which involves never mentioning it between now and then) and risk the possibility of it all going tits up once you get there.
Or you can try to keep reassuring him and see how it goes on day of departure.
Or could you get your friends/family to come to you?

 

[LadyA]

Oh, I didn't mean get him there by subterfuge! I just meant that if the proposed trip is a few weeks away, but right now, he's anxious about the weather, I wouldn't keep talking about the trip between now and then. Give it a break, and then closer to the time, he might not be so anxious. I agree though, it would be good to have a backup plan, like family coming to visit you. Although when my husband was at home still, eventually, visiting family members had to lodge somewhere else. It was too upsetting for him to have extra people in the house at night.

 

[HillyBilly]

Oh, I didn't mean get him there by subterfuge!

I did!

 

[ann50]

Oh, I didn't mean get him there by subterfuge! I just meant that if the proposed trip is a few weeks away, but right now, he's anxious about the weather, I wouldn't keep talking about the trip between now and then. Give it a break, and then closer to the time, he might not be so anxious. I agree though, it would be good to have a backup plan, like family coming to visit you. Although when my husband was at home still, eventually, visiting family members had to lodge somewhere else. It was too upsetting for him to have extra people in the house at night.

Don’t worry, I knew exactly what you meant! I will definitely take your advice and keep my fingers crossed. In the meantime I think I had better warn everyone that we may not make it. I am finding that once he has an idea fixed in his mind it’s very hard to change it

 

[ann50]

Hello @ann50 and welcome. This situation must be a worry for you. I know with my husband, it got to where we just couldn't go far from home at all. Do you feel your husband would be alright once you arrived at your destination? If you want to try making the trip, I suggest you don't mention it at all for now, and if he does, give the subject a brief, vague answer and then change the subject. And if you can, keep him away from weather forecasts! They must be inducing anxiety in him. (They certainly are in me!)

Thanks for your reply, i’m sure he will enjoy himself once he is there as we are meeting old friends. However I suspect that he is finding it increasingly difficult to follow conversations and so is getting bored when we all sit around chatting. When we are at home he can wander off to a different room but he doesn’t have that option when we are away

 

[LadyA]

Thanks for your reply, i’m sure he will enjoy himself once he is there as we are meeting old friends. However I suspect that he is finding it increasingly difficult to follow conversations and so is getting bored when we all sit around chatting. When we are at home he can wander off to a different room but he doesn’t have that option when we are away

That sounds exactly like my husband, in the early/mid stage of his illness! And when we had people over for a meal, once he'd had enough, he would just stand up from the table and announce "Well, it's been great to see you, but we don't want to hold you up!" He did it once before people had finished eating, and I had to distract him, settle him in another room for a nap, and we continued the meal!

 

[ann50]

The idea of travelling is often too much for a PWD. Any thought of things planned in the future is often too much, even if it's tomorrow, never mind next month.
Also being in an unfamiliar environment can be disconcerting.
So, you could get him there by subterfuge (which involves never mentioning it between now and then) and risk the possibility of it all going tits up once you get there.
Or you can try to keep reassuring him and see how it goes on day of departure.
Or could you get your friends/family to come to you?

The problem with subterfuge is that I can see him standing by the car as we are all packed to leave flatly refusing to get in! He doesn’t have a problem going to visit our daughter in London and we have done this trip many times before, so I was quite taken aback when he said he didn’t want to go this time.

 

[ann50]

That sounds exactly like my husband, in the early/mid stage of his illness! And when we had people over for a meal, once he'd had enough, he would just stand up from the table and announce "Well, it's been great to see you, but we don't want to hold you up!" He did it once before people had finished eating, and I had to distract him, settle him in another room for a nap, and we continued the meal!

Yes!! Mine just says “I’m off to bed“, even if it’s after lunch, so we all say good night and carry on without him.