l dont think l can do anymore for my wife now.

[ASPIRE]

After looking after my wife who has alzeimers for 6 years at home and 3 years in and out of different care \ nursing homes I feel really drained. l have had a really stressful journey with trying to insure she gets good quality care from the providers.
All sorts of things have happened in this period of time and l have had to deal with as they accured.
My wife is now very active ( walking up and down cant settle more than a few minites) and needs a carer with her for all the hours she is awake.
A couple of months ago she was sleeping mostly all the time and couldnt be aroused but since removing a certain medicine she is now very active.
She has no expression on her face now and she cant communicate and seeing her like this has really stumped me, how do l deal with this.
Some of her carers dont talk to me or my wife which is not helping when l visit her.
I feel that l have tried my best to help her and keep an eye on her care but l cant do nothing about this stage.
Its upsetting me seeing her like this and I have to ask myself do l shorten my visiting hours and days.
Anyone else who has gone through this stage.

 

[Soobee]

It sounds like you know you need to step back a bit for now, but obviously that is going to be really hard for you. It is important to look after yourself as well.

You may feel a lot of guilt about visiting less, but the current situation doesn't seem to help either of you.

 

[lemonjuice]

She has no expression on her face now and she cant communicate and seeing her like this has really stumped me, how do l deal with this.

Yes I have, though it was my mother, so perhaps not so devastating as for you with a spouse. The number of times I broke down in tears as I came out of the Home. And inevitably I would buy something like chocolate on my way back home.

It has broken my heart when for the past 3 years I have effectively visited a 'graveside'. My mother's body was there, but not accessible to me and not responding.

It has also impinged greatly on my own well-being. Not being able to talk or alert anyone to her needs has meant I have felt it even more important to 'be her advocate' and speak on her behalf
Like you

l have had a really stressful journey with trying to insure she gets good quality care from the providers.

and it has been an on-going (and not always successful ) struggle.

Around that time I made a conscious decision that, apart from occasions when I needed to speak to staff, I would limit both the frequency of my visits and the length of them. generally it made no difference to my mother whether I visited or not and seemed to have very little impact on QoL. As she no longer had any comprehension, when I talked about the family, especially special events such as engagements, weddings births etc, even showing her photos she didn't know to look at them, so I stopped 'talking to her about them. It seemed to make no difference to her, but it really upset me that she didn't react. especially as she'd been such a family-orientated person.

Occasionally if I wanted to spend a bit longer I could, but generally I visited to ensure the NH knew someone was checking up on my mother's care and I organised a 'weekly catch-up' phone call to ensure they knew I was interested in my mother, her health and care.
Sometimes, if I was particularly stressed on seeing my mother my visit would be very short- one time I was astounded to see I'd logged in just 6 minutes earlier as I logged out in the Visitor's book. And in that time I'd checked her underwear and in her wardrobe that all the clothes did belong to her, checked her CDs were put away correctly in the correct case, stroked her face and held her hand as I said a prayer over her - all in that 6 mins.

There will be some better days but my advice is now to consider of your own mental health.

 

[love.dad.but..]

You sound as though you are at breaking point and no matter that she is in a care home, you are still a carer and that is taking its toll on you. It is a great pity that the home hasn't adopted an holistic approach to your wife's care by also making sure you feel supported when you visit. I was lucky at Dads NH that staff would always interact with me as much as dad when I visited. Of course you have done the very best you could for your wife at every stage but as they decline it sometimes gets harder to find any glint of their old personality or to find any key to unlock and enter their dementia world. Are there any other relatives who visit their pwd that you feel you know well enough to chat to perhaps meet for a coffee away from the home? Is there a carers group you could pop along to? You need to offload.