During the early part of 2014 (I was 23), it became obvious that my nan had some memory problems. I didn't really know much about things at that point and I was relying on my nan's three daughters (my mum is one) to deal with the situation. However, my aunt died in May 2014 and, to be honest, she is the one that would have sorted the whole thing out properly. Nan was very good at hiding things and making it seem as though she was completely fine. However, when my other aunt came over (they live abroad) with her family for the funeral of my aunt, they stayed with my nan and she couldn't hide her problems.
She wouldn't have a bath, she wasn't looking after herself and she couldn't settle at night. She's just got worse since. My mum and my aunt took her to the doctors. She was referred to a memory clinic. I was in the first year of my degree studies at this point and, although I've always been close to nan, I didn't get involved. I was also dealing with breaking up with my partner of five years and the death of our family dog who was almost 15.
However, when left to her own devices, my mum didn't take hold of the situation. She gets very stressed about things, only works part time and won't acknowledge her issues. I have anxiety and depression for which I take pills. I also attend therapy sessions weekly. M
Anyway, my nan didn't get a diagnosis and I was getting worried about things. I insisted on getting involved and forced my mum to sort it. Nan eventually got a diagnosis of Alzheimer's in, I believe, about April 2015. This was almost a whole year after my aunt died and my nan had no support. My partner and I chose to move in together in July 2015 after I had finished my foundation degree.
I was going to nan's most nights after uni to make her eat. I was due to 'top up' to a full degree in September 2015. However, I didn't go. I don't think I really wanted to, as I don't cope well with pressure and I had had enough. I knew it would be too much.
In May 2015, nan had some kind of accident and bruised her face. It looked worse than it was. My mum phoned on the Sunday evening when I was staying at my partner's parents before we moved in together. She said nan had hurt her face but it wasn't bad. She told me I didn't need to come back, but I went straight there on Monday morning before uni. I was due to finish an assignment that day for the Tuesday, but as soon as I saw my nan, I phoned the doctor who said to go to the walk in centre. I did this and they said go to A&E. I called my mum who was finishing work shortly and went to her house to wait the short time so she could come with us. An hour later, we were in the waiting area and knew there would be a long wait. I had no chance of finishing my assignment. My mum was getting arsey... She was saying why the hell have you brought her here? I said I was told to, which she knew. I was getting the blame, whilst emailing my lecturer to say I was ill and couldn't give my presentation assignment tomorrow. She was saying she had things to do. A few days later, I got a call to say my nan was in hospital because she had been found wandering in the road looking for her doctors because of her face. I don't think any of us realised quite how bad she was before this. It turned out she had a UTI aswell. My partner and I drove straight to the hospital and met my mum, her partner and my brother there.
They were letting nan go home, so we all went to my mum's car and she said she'd take her home. I said someone needed to stay with her. I put my nan in the car and we all argued in the car park. My mum wouldn't stay with her. I felt my mum should step up. I got upset and my mum shouted and asked why I was crying. We drove to my nan's and she still refused to stay. I knew then that nan would be my problem.
So, fast forward to September 2015. My depression was awful and I was trying to look after nan and not really knowing anything about what she needed or dementia. I was only 24. I'm 27 now and I realise how much I've grown up in just that short amount of time. I no longer drink alcohol but I got drunk one evening at home in September 2015 and completely lost it with my boyfriend. I was violent to him and that's when I realised that I couldn't cope.
I started work full time (as a temp in a department I used to work in). I found it hard to get up in the mornings. I didn't know what to do with my nan. She was now taking pills for her Alzheimer's and they had to be given one per day. I said someone had to be there to give it to her. My mum said she could just ring. I put my foot down. I'm glad I did. I engineered a dinner rota. It meant I did dinner for three nights, my mum did three and a cousin of mine did the other night. I was still stressed about how to move forward and my to-do list was out of control. In February 2016 (after a house move that Xmas too), I packed in the towel. I didn't consider my partner at all. I was guided by my love for my nan and my inability to cope, as well as the fact no one was actually doing anything to help. I resigned from my temp job and applied for carer's allowance. I would care for my nan and she would go into a home by September, so I could return to uni. I
In May 2016, I got social services (SS) involved. I had had a couple of months to sort things and it wasn't going overly well. I felt resentful and, quite frankly, I was skint. Nan got two carers put in place, one in the morning and one in the evening. A meals on wheels was to be delivered at lunchtime. SS didn't seem to believe me when I told them how she is. Nan is very believable... she tells them she can cope and does all these things, when she doesn't. She genuinely believes she does. However, I knew the true situation by then and had got support about dementia and become a dementia friend etc.
September came and I became more and more stressed. We looked at care homes, but SS said she wasn't ready and wanted her to live independently. I know this is great and all, but I have to manage her whole life. I manage her carers, her pills (of which there seem to be many!), her appointments, her care reviews, her shopping, her cleaning, her washing, take her to her day centre and collect her once a week... etc.
I did not return to uni in September 2016. It wasn't the right time. I went back to my old department and temped part time from November.
I can do all those things listed and I can see my nan. She gets lonely as she is living on her own. However, I find it hard. So, this working part time and caring from my nan continued until September 2017. I live 50 minutes away from my nan and the uni campus is quite near her.
I returned to uni. I somehow thought I could cope with uni, nan, travelling up and down and running my own life. I was wrong. Three weeks in and I lost it. I went for my partner and he had had enough this time. I moved back to my mum's. I struggle because I see her as some of my problem, but I've organised my room and am trying to make the most of it. I felt suicidal and have been so close to just ending it all. I met with my partner and explained the pressure I put myself under. I realised I don't have to have my degree to be a clever person etc. I have dropped out and won't go back. It is a properly considered decision and is the right thing. After two weeks, I've convinced my partner that I will sort things out this time and make it better. We both love each other and want a future. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I want to work full time. I've been applying for jobs and I just want an average job and to be happy. But, my nan is a problem.
I have (for the first time) explained how I feel to my mum. She was shocked about my suicidal thoughts etc, but this has been going on for three years. She seems to want to do something now, but I told her that I've pretended to be superwoman and pick up her ****, because I kind of know that she can't cope. But, I HAVE to focus on myself now or I will be dead before my nan.
I contacted her care agency who are very helpful and asked their opinion on putting her into a care home. She said SS would probably just increase her care first. My mum (who is now worried about me) phoned SS and told them the situation and that we want to put her in a home. The SW had to talk to a manager and would phone back. She didn't that day and my mum tried her again the next morning. She eventually got left a voice mail when she was at work yesterday afternoon. I met my partner yesterday evening and my mum texted to say a meeting has been arranged with the SW and the care agency for Tuesday. I was in a shop with my partner and phoned my mum. The meeting is at my nan's which makes it awkward and, basically, they want to see what more care they can offer. I walked out of the shop, sat in my car and just sobbed. I can't take the responsibility and I just want them to understand. She is on her own all night and is crying out and walking around the house. She is a constant source of worry.
This morning, the nurse from the memory clinic that Nan is under came round for a review. We explained the whole situation to her and she said we have to push SS to put her in a home. Apparently, they will ask my Nan what she thinks, but she has had a test before that says she does not have the mental capacity to make decisions for herself. I'm struggling not to hate my nan. I know it isn't her fault, but I need to move on with my own life and my mum will not take things on at all. I will be stuck working full time and caring for my nan forever.
So, my questions are: How do we put nan in a home if SS don't agree? She owns her own house, but that would have to be sold and we don't have the money to pay in the meantime. If SS won't pay, are our hands tied?
Thank you for your support!
She wouldn't have a bath, she wasn't looking after herself and she couldn't settle at night. She's just got worse since. My mum and my aunt took her to the doctors. She was referred to a memory clinic. I was in the first year of my degree studies at this point and, although I've always been close to nan, I didn't get involved. I was also dealing with breaking up with my partner of five years and the death of our family dog who was almost 15.
However, when left to her own devices, my mum didn't take hold of the situation. She gets very stressed about things, only works part time and won't acknowledge her issues. I have anxiety and depression for which I take pills. I also attend therapy sessions weekly. M
Anyway, my nan didn't get a diagnosis and I was getting worried about things. I insisted on getting involved and forced my mum to sort it. Nan eventually got a diagnosis of Alzheimer's in, I believe, about April 2015. This was almost a whole year after my aunt died and my nan had no support. My partner and I chose to move in together in July 2015 after I had finished my foundation degree.
I was going to nan's most nights after uni to make her eat. I was due to 'top up' to a full degree in September 2015. However, I didn't go. I don't think I really wanted to, as I don't cope well with pressure and I had had enough. I knew it would be too much.
In May 2015, nan had some kind of accident and bruised her face. It looked worse than it was. My mum phoned on the Sunday evening when I was staying at my partner's parents before we moved in together. She said nan had hurt her face but it wasn't bad. She told me I didn't need to come back, but I went straight there on Monday morning before uni. I was due to finish an assignment that day for the Tuesday, but as soon as I saw my nan, I phoned the doctor who said to go to the walk in centre. I did this and they said go to A&E. I called my mum who was finishing work shortly and went to her house to wait the short time so she could come with us. An hour later, we were in the waiting area and knew there would be a long wait. I had no chance of finishing my assignment. My mum was getting arsey... She was saying why the hell have you brought her here? I said I was told to, which she knew. I was getting the blame, whilst emailing my lecturer to say I was ill and couldn't give my presentation assignment tomorrow. She was saying she had things to do. A few days later, I got a call to say my nan was in hospital because she had been found wandering in the road looking for her doctors because of her face. I don't think any of us realised quite how bad she was before this. It turned out she had a UTI aswell. My partner and I drove straight to the hospital and met my mum, her partner and my brother there.
They were letting nan go home, so we all went to my mum's car and she said she'd take her home. I said someone needed to stay with her. I put my nan in the car and we all argued in the car park. My mum wouldn't stay with her. I felt my mum should step up. I got upset and my mum shouted and asked why I was crying. We drove to my nan's and she still refused to stay. I knew then that nan would be my problem.
So, fast forward to September 2015. My depression was awful and I was trying to look after nan and not really knowing anything about what she needed or dementia. I was only 24. I'm 27 now and I realise how much I've grown up in just that short amount of time. I no longer drink alcohol but I got drunk one evening at home in September 2015 and completely lost it with my boyfriend. I was violent to him and that's when I realised that I couldn't cope.
I started work full time (as a temp in a department I used to work in). I found it hard to get up in the mornings. I didn't know what to do with my nan. She was now taking pills for her Alzheimer's and they had to be given one per day. I said someone had to be there to give it to her. My mum said she could just ring. I put my foot down. I'm glad I did. I engineered a dinner rota. It meant I did dinner for three nights, my mum did three and a cousin of mine did the other night. I was still stressed about how to move forward and my to-do list was out of control. In February 2016 (after a house move that Xmas too), I packed in the towel. I didn't consider my partner at all. I was guided by my love for my nan and my inability to cope, as well as the fact no one was actually doing anything to help. I resigned from my temp job and applied for carer's allowance. I would care for my nan and she would go into a home by September, so I could return to uni. I
In May 2016, I got social services (SS) involved. I had had a couple of months to sort things and it wasn't going overly well. I felt resentful and, quite frankly, I was skint. Nan got two carers put in place, one in the morning and one in the evening. A meals on wheels was to be delivered at lunchtime. SS didn't seem to believe me when I told them how she is. Nan is very believable... she tells them she can cope and does all these things, when she doesn't. She genuinely believes she does. However, I knew the true situation by then and had got support about dementia and become a dementia friend etc.
September came and I became more and more stressed. We looked at care homes, but SS said she wasn't ready and wanted her to live independently. I know this is great and all, but I have to manage her whole life. I manage her carers, her pills (of which there seem to be many!), her appointments, her care reviews, her shopping, her cleaning, her washing, take her to her day centre and collect her once a week... etc.
I did not return to uni in September 2016. It wasn't the right time. I went back to my old department and temped part time from November.
I can do all those things listed and I can see my nan. She gets lonely as she is living on her own. However, I find it hard. So, this working part time and caring from my nan continued until September 2017. I live 50 minutes away from my nan and the uni campus is quite near her.
I returned to uni. I somehow thought I could cope with uni, nan, travelling up and down and running my own life. I was wrong. Three weeks in and I lost it. I went for my partner and he had had enough this time. I moved back to my mum's. I struggle because I see her as some of my problem, but I've organised my room and am trying to make the most of it. I felt suicidal and have been so close to just ending it all. I met with my partner and explained the pressure I put myself under. I realised I don't have to have my degree to be a clever person etc. I have dropped out and won't go back. It is a properly considered decision and is the right thing. After two weeks, I've convinced my partner that I will sort things out this time and make it better. We both love each other and want a future. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I want to work full time. I've been applying for jobs and I just want an average job and to be happy. But, my nan is a problem.
I have (for the first time) explained how I feel to my mum. She was shocked about my suicidal thoughts etc, but this has been going on for three years. She seems to want to do something now, but I told her that I've pretended to be superwoman and pick up her ****, because I kind of know that she can't cope. But, I HAVE to focus on myself now or I will be dead before my nan.
I contacted her care agency who are very helpful and asked their opinion on putting her into a care home. She said SS would probably just increase her care first. My mum (who is now worried about me) phoned SS and told them the situation and that we want to put her in a home. The SW had to talk to a manager and would phone back. She didn't that day and my mum tried her again the next morning. She eventually got left a voice mail when she was at work yesterday afternoon. I met my partner yesterday evening and my mum texted to say a meeting has been arranged with the SW and the care agency for Tuesday. I was in a shop with my partner and phoned my mum. The meeting is at my nan's which makes it awkward and, basically, they want to see what more care they can offer. I walked out of the shop, sat in my car and just sobbed. I can't take the responsibility and I just want them to understand. She is on her own all night and is crying out and walking around the house. She is a constant source of worry.
This morning, the nurse from the memory clinic that Nan is under came round for a review. We explained the whole situation to her and she said we have to push SS to put her in a home. Apparently, they will ask my Nan what she thinks, but she has had a test before that says she does not have the mental capacity to make decisions for herself. I'm struggling not to hate my nan. I know it isn't her fault, but I need to move on with my own life and my mum will not take things on at all. I will be stuck working full time and caring for my nan forever.
So, my questions are: How do we put nan in a home if SS don't agree? She owns her own house, but that would have to be sold and we don't have the money to pay in the meantime. If SS won't pay, are our hands tied?
Thank you for your support!
