Dilemma whether to give mother-in-law a birthday card

[Rosettastone57]

My mother-in-law who has mixed dementia has just celebrated her 92nd birthday . She has received a number of birthday cards and my husband noticed that she received one last week from a previous neighbour from about 15 years ago. Mother-in-law doesn't receive any post it all comes to us as a redirection. The background of this is that mother-in-law in her previous address used to be friendly with the neighbours who had two young children they moved away and of course their children are grown up. Even before the dementia diagnosis mother-in-law used to treat the neighbours in a much better way than her own family. She was always comparing my husband and his sister to the neighbours next door and always berating them for never coming up to the kindness at the neighbours had given her in the past. She used to fall into a deep depression every time she had contact with them always telling us how nasty we were.

Mother-in-law now is in the situation where she gives us post to send out. About two weeks ago she gave us a letter unsealed to send out to these previous neighbours unfortunately it contained verbal abuse about my husband and his sister and the grandchildren telling the previous neighbours how awful we are as a family and telling them how she wished she lived with them up in the Midlands. My husband understandably was livid and in fact has not sent the letter out but didn't tell his mother. My husband has a view that the least contact she has with these people the better as she becomes so aggressive and agitated after any contact from them

So she has received a birthday card from the neighbours which has come to us my husband has not told her his card has arrived and has not given it to her yet. His view
as I mentioned earlier is that she should not have contact with these people. Of course with Christmas coming we are going to have the same problem again with the neighbours sending out of Christmas card no doubt.

Morally I feel we have a dilemma because I feel that the neighbours are obviously entitled to send out letters and cards . But it does grate on me somewhat that my husband feels he cannot give these cards to her. Any views?

 

[Beate]

I'm with your husband on this. If her mood changes after contact with them, then that contact is best avoided.

 

[jugglingmum]

I'm with your husband as well.

 

[Tin]

With your husband on this one. If your job as a carer is to avoid any stress to the Dementia sufferer, then bin the card and think no more about it. You and your family are the ones that have to deal with the irrational behaviour.

 

[Malalie]

Ehrr...I'm not so sure about this.

I'm all for keeping life quiet and calm for our people with dementia - my MIL was far past being able to write a letter for herself and we probably only got Power of attorney after she was unable to do so.

If you have PoA, I seem to remember that you have to support their decisions, even if they are poor decisions as best you can.

I'd feel a bit guilty about tampering with her personal handwritten letters myself, but seeing as you know exactly who writes to her, and who she writes to, it might be an idea to write them a short note yourself explaining about her diagnosis and condition.

Its difficult , isn't it?? You don't know what to do for the best.......

 

[marionq]

Ehrr...I'm not so sure about this.

I'm all for keeping life quiet and calm for our people with dementia - my MIL was far past being able to write a letter for herself and we probably only got Power of attorney after she was unable to do so.

If you have PoA, I seem to remember that you have to support their decisions, even if they are poor decisions as best you can.

I'd feel a bit guilty about tampering with her personal handwritten letters myself, but seeing as you know exactly who writes to her, and who she writes to, it might be an idea to write them a short note yourself explaining about her diagnosis and condition.

Its difficult , isn't it?? You don't know what to do for the best.......

I definitely would discourage contact if it leads to Unpleasantness. You are there for her all the time while the neighbours are passing through. Either tear up the card or write as suggested explaining why you need to stop contact. With dementia there is no logic so normal rules don't always apply.

 

[Rosettastone57]

I definitely would discourage contact if it leads to Unpleasantness. You are there for her all the time while the neighbours are passing through. Either tear up the card or write as suggested explaining why you need to stop contact. With dementia there is no logic so normal rules don't always apply.

Thanks to all replies however as my husband still hasn't given mother-in-law the card unfortunately it seems to have backfired a bit. Mother-in-law in the back of her long lost memory seems to remember these neighbours more than we had anticipated so she has now spent the last few weeks constantly complaining as to why she hasn't heard from them. Of course with Christmas looming this scenario is going to raise his ugly head yet again so my husband is now in two minds as to whether to just give her the birthday card to try and keep her calm.

 

[father ted]

This is a difficult one. You said that they were neighbours 15 years ago. I'm assuming that they have regularly sent letters/ cards and that is why you are in a dilemma. If this is the first communication from the neighbours in 15 years then I would have no qualms in throwing it away!

I agree with the other posters. You and hubby are dealing with MIL all the time. If their contact has only been via cards or letters in 15 years, your MIL's affection for them seems misplaced. In the past they probably provided a listening ear and one or two supportive statements which she has interpreted as more than it is.

 

[Amethyst59]

Wouldn’t it be possible for you to get in touch with the ex neighbours and explain the situation? Or would that open another can of worms? I just thought, if they don’t send anything, then you have nothing to agonise over. A horrible situation, though.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Wouldn’t it be possible for you to get in touch with the ex neighbours and explain the situation? Or would that open another can of worms? I just thought, if they don’t send anything, then you have nothing to agonise over. A horrible situation, though.

It is very difficult situation unfortunately these neighbours have regularly sent her cards in the past and about once a year have either telephoned her to see how she is or as they have relatives in our area have popped in about once a year after visiting their own family . The difficulty is that my mother-in-law even prior to her dementia diagnosis has always seen their visits and attention as something more than it actually is. She has been so desperate for attention over the years that she genuinely believes that this family can offer her more in the way of friendship support kindness and do things more for her than her own family. She has often said in the past that she thinks this family would take her everywhere they go but of course the reality is this would never happen.
My husband is reluctant to contact them as I think they would be genuinely hurt and upset if they felt that their own contact with mother-in-law was causing so much anguish.

Also mother-in-law has told them in the past I am sure what terrible people we are so therefore they would probably view contacting them and telling them not to contact mother-in-law as yet again a controlling situation and keeping her from them . My husband feels that this would just reinforce the message that mother-in-law has given them about us

There's no easy answer I think on balance my husband will probably still keep the card to himself. As other posters have said we have to deal with this on everyday basis.

 

[Amethyst59]

Oh, you poor things...as if you didn’t have enough to cope with. My sympathies.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Gosh...such a complicated affair but on balance I am with your husband even with the complications you describe.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Gosh...such a complicated affair but on balance I am with your husband even with the complications you describe.

Thanks everyone I think we'll just stick to the plan that my husband had and see what happens at Christmas

 

[lemonjuice]

I agree a very tough decision I agree.
Personally I would just have left the card in her room and not made a big thing about it I e not read it out to her or anything - just adding it to the shelf when she wasn't there for example.

When my mother became unable to even sign her own name, without me 'guiding her hand' and had no conception of what Christmas, birthdays etc were I wrote a small letter to all her own friends and put it in with their cards saying something like

Unfortunately this will be the last card you receive from my mother, as she suffers from dementia, which has deteriorated to such a stage that she is unable to write anymore. I have no idea how well you know and remember my mother, so can I thank you on her behalf for all your friendship over the years and wish you well in your future.

Thereafter people stopped sending cards realising there was little point.

Could you do something similar- so a less 'personal' letter, so your neighbours don't feel singled out or get upset?

 

[Rosettastone57]

I agree a very tough decision I agree.
Personally I would just have left the card in her room and not made a big thing about it I e not read it out to her or anything - just adding it to the shelf when she wasn't there for example.

When my mother became unable to even sign her own name without me 'guiding her hand' and had no conception of what Christmas , birthdays were I wrote a small letter to all her own friends and put it in with their cards saying something like

Unfortunately this will be the last card you receicve from my mother as she suffers from dementia, which has deteriorated to such a stage that she is unable to write anymore. I have no idea how well you know and remember my mother so can I thank you on her behalf for all your friendship over the years and wish you well in your future.

Thereafter people stopped sending cards realising there was little point.

Could you do something similar- so a less 'personal' letter, so your neighbours don't feel singled out or get upset?

Thanks I like that idea will try it out

 

[Bod]

I'm with Hubbie.

Bod