Hello from a new joiner.

[Bassman.]

Good evening everyone,
My wife and I are sole carers for my elderly Mother who was widowed in May 2016.It was in the aftermath of my Dad's death we realised the extent of the challenges we faced with my Mother.I am her only son,and my wife and myself have no children.
My wife took early retirement to ease the workload and does my Mother's shopping and tends to her more personal needs ,whilst I look after the "business end" .
There are numerous topics I wish to share and ask for advice from others who face the same challenges as we do, and I look forward to conversing.

Regards and good wishes to all.

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome @Bassman. Ask away.

I wouldn't be surprised if your father was covering for your mother's difficulties. It's been done before.

I hope you get the support and answers you need. There's a lot of experience other carers are willing to share.

 

[Tin]

Definitely the place to share, welcome. Sounds like your mother is still living in her own home.

 

[malengwa]

Hello. Welcome, you have found a community full of experience and kindness.

 

[Bassman.]

Welcome @Bassman. Ask away.

I wouldn't be surprised if your father was covering for your mother's difficulties. It's been done before.

I hope you get the support and answers you need. There's a lot of experience other carers are willing to share.

Thanks for your reply and you are totally correct. Two weeks before Dad passed away my Mother had an assessment and it was then the dementia was diagnosed.I never realised just how much they had kept from me until after Dad's passing.He was 87 when he died and it was a fairly quick end that came peacefully and without suffering.
My Dad decided what they would have at mealtimes and after his passing there were times Mam would ask me what was she having for dinner. It was matters such as this that I have had difficulty in addressing. Your reply has brought great comfort to me, THANK YOU ,

 

[Bassman.]

Hello. Welcome, you have found a community full of experience and kindness.[/QUOTE

Thank you.When I started the thread I was on my way out and it is heartening to see others who care respond so swiftly.

 

[Bassman.]

Definitely the place to share, welcome. Sounds like your mother is still living in her own home.

She is. My Mother lives in sheltered accommodation and is able to carry out the basic housework duties and dresses,bathes and feeds herself as normally as possible. THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY !!! It is really heartening.

 

[Bassman.]

When I set the thread away I was on my way out .Fortunately I am able to play a musical instrument and was going to a rehearsal this evening which I am finding very therapeutic in dealing with the challenges we face, but I would now like to tell a bit more of my story.
As I said earlier I am her only child and by no means a young man myself now and I am married , and apart from my wife the only realistic help we get is from a family friend who herself is in her mid eighties , but is totally hand on and energetic ,and looks after an elderly sibling of her own as well as spending time with my Mother and trying to be a Mother/ gran and great gran herself.
I am in full time work , and until six months ago so was my wife until a retirement opportunity came along and she took it in order to reduce the strain upon myself.
As for extended family well the fact is on Mam's side we have family who emigrated many years ago and lend their support by ringing on regular occasions , however upon Dad's side ,whilst one relative makes an occasional visit [ I have no problem with this at all as there are ongoing issues with this relative] , the part of the family we have always been very close to have basically taken a step back and have had very little contact since May 2016 which is greatly upsetting to my Mother who always asks what has she done wrong ?
As for other matters.............part of the challenge I have had was my mother replaced her husband with her son and referred to a particular person as being " in our age group" and often referred to me as " my husband " which to be quite honest freaked me out..
In the first few months after Dad died I had the constant " I wish I was dead" and I was blamed for causing his death [ he died of renal failure and diabetes related issues] , I was blamed for leaving her alone whilst I went to work , and there has been occasions where I have felt unable to cope and not know which way to turn.
We now however her enrolled into a weekly care centre which we are funding ourselves and a fortnightly singing session at a local church which my wife takes her to.
Lots more to discuss , however that will do for tonight.

THANK YOU FOR READING AND I HOPE TO ENHANCE THIS FORUM as you certainly have done for me this evening.

GOODNIGHT AND GOD BLESS. May Peace be with you all.

 

[canary]

Hello @Bassman. and welcome to the forum.
Im sorry to say that this blaming of family members is typical of dementia - they can often be really quite nasty. Its usually because they are unable to understand that they have dementia; they know Something is Not Right, but cannot understand that the Something is them, so it must be someone elses fault and its usually a close family member who gets the blame.

The confusion of family members is also very common. Mum used to think I was her mum, or sometimes her sister, and sons are often confused with husbands, which can produce its own particular problems...........
Similarly, confusion about time and her own age is typical. Usually they think that they are much younger than they really are.
It all leads to some interesting situations . I remember mum (then 90 years old) going to a hospital appointment and flirting outrageously with the doctor . Fortunately he took it in good part and seemed amused. As we went out mum said that she knew he was too old for her, but I would have to forgive her if it got serious.

 

[Oh Knickers]

Hi Bassman,

Dealing with dementia can feel unremitting, confusing and wearing. It is sad that the close relatives have taken a step back. However, sometimes this tends to stop some of the complications that happen with family.

I ot in your latest post that you are supporting your mum financially. There are things you can plug into, Firstly, get your mum AA (Attendance Allowance), OF any of the finances that are good to get this is the one as it is the threshold fo SS (Social Services) to take the situation seriously. The organisations listed below can help should you struggle. Your form needs to be very realistic about what your mum needs and what you and your wife do for her.

The next thing to go for is Council Tax Disregard. Go onto your Local Council website and start with Council Tax, Council Tax Disregard and finally, but not pleasantly, land on Mental Impairment Disregard. You are likely to need a diagnosis letter. Once you have all your documentation together get the form you need ot print of signed by GP or Consultant. Ensure the date of diagnosis is correct at the Council tax will be backdated.

Good organisations to plug into are listed below. They will have a lot of local knowledge and may even find other sources of finance for your mum as well as other clubs she can attend to give your wife a break. Put in your mum's postcode and the local office number will come up.

Alzheimer's Society
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Age UK
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/