My mum is on end of life care in a lovely care home and being very well cared for. I visit her every day as I don't know how much longer she will be with us. Some days she is quite alert and others very sleepy.
My dilemma is my husband has booked a few days away for us this weekend but I am so worried about going away at this time and leaving her in case the worse happens and I won't be with her. I'm know I am being over concerned and do need this break away and the carers have said they will take good care of her in my absence. My husband needs this break as much as I do as he has been my rock these past months. Why can't I just be okay about going, as I will only be 3 hours away if needed. This awful illness just totally absorbs me but I just want to spend as much time as I can now with my mum. I know that I must have this break and can ring the home each day, but I still feel guilty about being away at this time. Why can't I just let go a little?
Can I just reassure you that I had this difficult decision only just over a fortnight ago.
I sympathise with all you say
'so
worried about going away at this time and leaving her in case the worse happens',
'I know I am being over concerned and do need this break away',
Why can't I just be okay about going, as I will only be 3 hours away if needed,
This awful illness just totally absorbs me but I just want to spend as much time as I can now with my mum,
but I still feel guilty'
I can't say I completely relaxed over the holiday, but my husband did and it was him who needed it most, as in your case.
As others have said I'd heard/read that often people keep vigil for hours and leave for a short while and their LO passes in their absence.
My husband needed a holiday after undergoing some cancer treatment and the family encouraged us to book it and just go.
So I made all arrangements I could and we went.
I informed the Home not to leave any message on my answerphone but to phone my mobile, informed them of which funeral directors to contact should it be necessary, got all her birth/ marriage certificates etc. together in a folder for my sons should they need to register a death. (I even had her bowling uniform hung up ready to take for her to be buried in.
)
I sat by her bedside before I went and in fact because I'd made up my mind after last month's emergency, the 10th this year since February
that I would no longer 'keep vigil' the next time something happened and even though she may not have understood I did tell her of that decision. Black humour taking over, I even referred to it as "I think you've had enough
dress rehearsals now"
Although I would visit again just for short visits, I would not sit 'in vigil' again.
We had a blip on the last day of the holiday when I had a missed call, obviously had been out of range of a signal, only to find it was 'my usual Friday check-in call'
Even if she
had died over the holiday I'd sort of got my head in the right place, to realise I didn't want another lot of hours of listening to her struggling to breathe and that she wouldn't have wanted to put me through it either if she'd been in her right mind.
In case you hadn't read, she did die this weekend over a week after our return and I did miss her 'final breath'.
The Staff nurse warned me she'd started the Cheyne-Strokes breathing and '"It was probably going to be today", so offered to come with me.
On arriving at her room, she looked deathly pale and her mouth was open as though just going to take the next breath. I kissed her and stroked her cheek and then the nurse asked if she 'could just check her breathing' and then whispered 'She's gone'. It was probably less than 5 minutes since she'd simply stopped breathing. so I was there at the end, but without having the stress and strain of watching those final hours of struggle and I as so grateful to my mother for that.
I do believe in God and thank him immensely for the incredible grace at the end.
I trust yours will be similar and you can get to enjoy that holiday.
