Going onto a Home

[BenJoseph]

Hi

My father is going to a carehome (directly from a lengthy stay in hospital) for the first time tomorrow. Naturally we are all quite anxious about this unknown journey for all of us. He has quite advanced Dementia, but still has been asking to go home quite a bit over the past couple of weeks (we were trying to source a suitable home during this time). Before hospital he was in the care of my mother at home, but he is not well enough and has complex care needs/behavioral issues which mean he is being discharged with a 121 carer in place.

I suppose I wondered if anyone has any advice on what we can do to help with this transition both for my Dad and my Mum. Quite a tricky time for us all.

Thanks

BenJoseph

 

[DMac]

Dear BenJoseph,

Welcome to Talking Point. I'm so sorry to read about your situation. It must be terribly stressful for you and your family.

I don't have any advice for you, other than to say just take things one day at a time. It sounds as if the social care team at the hospital have taken charge of your father's needs and, truth be told, it sounds as if the care home is most likely the best place for him.

When he asks to 'go home', maybe the kindest thing to say is 'when you're stronger, Dad'. Or blame the doctors! I hope all goes well.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @BenJoseph

It`s never easy to adapt to having a parent and husband in residential care. Our son found it difficult at first to think of his dad and I living in different places. He saw it as a separation, which it was. I hope if this happens to you you will be prepared.

I asked the care home to make sure my husband was always with people in the sitting room. I didn't`t want him to get into the habit of being alone in his room.
Because of this I was able never to let my husband see me wearing outdoor clothes. I always managed to take my coat off and leave it in his room .

We all have different needs and this may not suit your parents. However give yourselves time to adjust, try to be as matter of fact as possible when visiting and allow your dad to settle in his own time.

Your mother may need a little extra support now.

Good luck. I hope all goes well.

 

[canary]

I would keep visits to a minimum and when you do go keep them very short and sweet. He is going to be disorientated and a bit confused by the new surroundings and people visiting (however well intentioned) will completely wear him out.
Go in with a isnt-this-all-very-nice attitude and even if you feel upset, please dont show it. People with dementia will often mirror your emotions, so if you get upset, more than likely, he will too. Dont make long drawn out goodbyes and its often helpful to time your leaving with something to distract him - I used to leave mum when dinner arrived and say "oh, heres your dinner, mum - Ill see you later", but failing that you could prime a carer to take him to see "something important" so you can leave without upset.

Its going to be very emotional for a while, especially for your mum, so perhaps you might like to do something nice, like going for a coffee and cake, afterwards.

 

[Naomi's Mum]

Hello, It is a difficult time for you all. My dad has been in a care home for 18 months now and my top tip would be to visit with an open mind. Be prepared for good days and not so good days. I always go with news of friends and family, the newspaper. I stay for lunch twice a week and provide the entertainment and funny stories at the lunch table. Dad used to be a very sociable man and although he now can't follow the story - he enjoys seeing others reacting to me and laughing. I have invested time to get to know the carers, nurses, laundry and kitchen staff - they are your eyes and ears when you are not present. I have cried more in the last 18 months than the rest of my life. It is a new phase of all your lives - yes mourn the passing but invest in the present.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hello, It is a difficult time for you all. My dad has been in a care home for 18 months now and my top tip would be to visit with an open mind. Be prepared for good days and not so good days. I always go with news of friends and family, the newspaper. I stay for lunch twice a week and provide the entertainment and funny stories at the lunch table. Dad used to be a very sociable man and although he now can't follow the story - he enjoys seeing others reacting to me and laughing. I have invested time to get to know the carers, nurses, laundry and kitchen staff - they are your eyes and ears when you are not present. I have cried more in the last 18 months than the rest of my life. It is a new phase of all your lives - yes mourn the passing but invest in the present.

What a wonderful idea Naomi's Mum. Your dad is so lucky and you have cheered me up. My dad is still in his own home at the moment but I am aware that he may have to go into a care home one day and I am dreading it but your attitude is the right one I am sure of that.

 

[Amy in the US]

BenJoseph, hello and welcome to Talking Point. I'm sorry to hear about your dad's hospital stay and need to move into a care home. I hope the care home will be able to provide the care he needs and give your mum and you and the rest of the family a break from the hands on day-to-day care, and the chance to spend some time with your dad without worrying so much about his care needs.

It is a big adjustment for everybody. I'd be prepared to give everyone time to adjust. Don't feel everything must be perfect up front, it takes getting used to and you will learn as you go along.

On a practical note, label everything, and don't take anything to the care home you can't afford to lose (including originals or only copies of cherished family photos--get color copies made).

It is a very good idea to have something pleasant planned to do for yourself after a visit, like a meal, or a treat, or a walk, or a trip to a park, or some music you enjoy to listen to in the car, or errands to take your mind off things.

We all do visits differently and there are no rules, just whatever works best for your dad and you and your family. Do prepare to be flexible. You may find shorter visits are better, or at meal time, or right before or after a meal, or more or less often than you originally had planned. It can be hard to know. Time of day can make a difference for some people as well.

If your dad gets upset or agitated when you leave (after a visit), don't make a fuss about it. You can even just slip out and not announce that you're leaving--I'm just popping to the loo. Or enlist a staff person to help with a distraction.

Do feel free to call the care home for updates on how your dad is, when you're not there. You may be pleasantly surprised. The staff's objective report of how your dad is doing may or may not match what he reports to you! (My mother maintained that she was left alone in her room with no food or medications or any sign of any staff, for days on end. This was not, to say the least, accurate. In fact, she rarely spent any time in her room as she was so busy with activities or being in the common areas.) I found these phone calls a good way to start to get to know the staff members when I wasn't visiting (due to my mother's distress triggered by me, I didn't visit for some time after her move into the care home). The relationships with staff are, for me, very important.

Very best wishes to you and your family.

 

[Scouts girl]

I too wish you well with the move BenJoseph and can only reiterate what has already been said. It will be an emotional roller coaster for you and your mum but I hope that your dad will settle well in his new surroundings.
I made sure mums room had lots of familiar bits and bobs from home ie photographs of the family, pictures to put on the wall, and any little nik naks that were precious to her to make her room more homely. I would suggest that you visit as often as you feel you want to. I know it is sometimes unsettling to visit too often as it reminds them too much of their own home but you and your mum must do what makes it easier for you to cope with and you can always ring the home to see how dad is settling. As has been said if dad gets very anxious and agitated when you are there then make an excuse to leave and ask one of the carers to sit with him. Do strike up a good relationship with the manager and staff of the care home and talk to other residents relatives that visit. I have made some good friends now at my mums care home and this has helped me through the difficult times with mum settling there. Also make sure you take time for yourselves now, you deserve it. Keep posting on TP to let us know how things are going for you, your mum and, of course dad. My best wishes to you all.

 

[Bod]

My advice would only be to repeat what's said above. I would add, give him time to settle, before visiting, maybe a week or even more, then keep the visits short, with a natural break, to allow you to leave. (arrive 15 mins before lunch, then leave as lunch is served.)
By all means phone the staff, to see how he's doing.
It's not easy in the early days, been there, got the tee shirt.

Bod

 

[BenJoseph]

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and advice. I will read it all through carefully as I value all your experiences.

By way of an update, Dad arrived at the carehome yesterday. He has complex needs (behavioural / aggressive), so this is a nursing home and he has a 1:1 for 20 hours of the day. Yesterday was interesting.

The problem with my father (apart from the dementia) is that he has always has a host of mental health issues. These have been mostly kept at bay by him taking medication over the years and indeed up until about 3 months ago when he started to refuse. We have been giving him meds covertly and that was successful up until a few weeks ago. I can now see we have a really big problem.

Anyway, he was discharged in the "second" ambulance. the first one had to be abandoned after he was aggressive toward the crew! They gave him an injection. the second crew said he was "good as gold". I was only made aware of this by the 1:1 carer who spent the morning with him!

So this injection he was on "cloud 9". Loved the home, thought he was in an amazing place - I kind of knew it was too good to be true - but you take these "moments" even if they are drug-induced. He was singing (used to love singing) and getting the words all wrong. He even picked up the paper with his name on (which had a brief life story on it) and read it. Wow, I haven't seen him read for a few months, I got his glasses and he was happy. I stayed for a bit with my Mum, and left her having a nice lunch with him (knowing that there would be a big come-down once the meds wore off)...

Back to reality! The carer updated me today. He ate lunch and dinner well yesterday. Slept ok, but had started to "wander" a bit in the evening. The problem (it is such a viscous circle) is that he has had no meds at all since he has been there. He spat them out this morning when they tried to give him in his porridge (which used to work). I took him for lunch and he is now constantly on the lookout for meds. I though I could slip them into his food. But he is now tasting /feeling every mouthful really suspiciously and he spotted them in his ice cream, despite best efforts. So, the calming meds are refused - he gets more anxious/aggressive. To add to this he keeps asking me to take him home, which actually may even be possible if he took his meds for a few weeks (Mum still wants him home and is even adapting the house to accommodate that (extremely unlikely) possibility.

I actually left by saying I was going to the loo (top tip there thanks!). But I am worried, as he is not taking his meds. The staff there are great, but have also had no success (which is hardly surprising). They said they may have to get the local borough in to give him an injection to calm him (I guess similar to the one the hospital used). I really dont know how we can end this cycle though. Aaargh!!!

Sorry for the rant and once again thanks for all of your kind words.

BenJoseph

 

[Amy in the US]

That all sounds so difficult. I'm sorry.

I imagine this has already been discussed, but any chance of medications in liquid form, so they can be more easily covertly administered in food? I know this is more expensive but it's the only practical suggestion I have.

Sending all possible best wishes to you and your family.

 

[Shedrech]

hi BenJoseph
any chance the meds might come in liquid form so that they can be invisibly hidden in some juice - or crushed so that they can be mixed in a yogurt
this would have to be checked with a GP/consultant, and you'd have to have your mum or your dad's Attorney write a note that you accept that meds may need to be given covertly
when dad begins to get really agitated his prn is given in liquid form so he doesn't know
best wishes

 

[BenJoseph]

Hi Shedrech

Some actually are liquid, but he starts to eat very little (like today had no breakfast and tiny amount for lunch). I think he obsesses about the meds. As soon as he took a mouthful of ice cream with meds well hidden, he knew and was furious with me. Held it in his mouth for about 5 mins then spat the lot out. The home have permission to give covertly already. He is just not letting it happen...

thanks for your reply

BenJoseph