My Mum

[Sandy63]

hello. I am new here and have realised that I can’t go this alone. What upsets me most is that my mum can’t remember when we visit her. I stayed over at my mums recently to see how she was coping and we gad a lovely time together. I returned home reluctantly yesterday and she phoned me last night to ask if i was ok as she had not seen me in a long time. She sees me every other day. I do her washing and take her shopping and to appointments etc. I call her every day and am there when she needs me. I would move in with my mum to help her but am on ESA for health problems and as i am with social housing i am agraid to give up my house as i know that when my mother goes (she is 93) my sister wants to sell the house and i would have to start at the bottom rung of the ladder to get another house. I’m sorry for the long post but i just don’t know what to do. My main concern is that my mum thinks we don’t visit her and therefore don’t love her. She is loved tremendously. She has care coming in on the evening to give her dinner and tabs and monday coming a carer will visit in the morning too. Her friend and neighbour visits every day to take myms dog a walk and a cleaner, who us more l8ke a friend now, pops in at least thrice a week to clean and make sure mum is ok. My mum is able physically but just not mentally. I have tried to do crosswords and puzzles with her but she says she can’t be bothered, noe can she be bothered to watch the tv. If she went into a home she would miss her cat and dog and it would kill her. Any and all advice most welcome.

Sorry for the lengthy post consider8ng I haven’t properly introduced myself.

 

[father ted]

Hello Sandy63,

Sorry to hear you are so distressed about your Mum's situation but I would say definitely:
DON'T give up your flat/house. You all ready know your sister wants to sell the house. I presume your Mum has a will in place and that you and your siblings would inherit Mum's estate equally.

Your Mum is well supported compared to many PWD with you going every day, carers and neighbour popping in. You are right it would break your Mum's heart to lose cat and dog if she went into a home. When a person has dementia you have to do the best for them in the circumstances which you are doing. It distresses you that she can't remember your visits but does it distress her very much? If you visited her alternate days in a home she still wouldn't remember would she?
Go easy on yourself, your Mum is lucky and has lots going on in her life. Maybe she could come to your place for a change she may remember that better.
You are doing great!

 

[Sandy63]

Hello Sandy63,

Sorry to hear you are so distressed about your Mum's situation but I would say definitely:
DON'T give up your flat/house. You all ready know your sister wants to sell the house. I presume your Mum has a will in place and that you and your siblings would inherit Mum's estate equally.

Your Mum is well supported compared to many PWD with you going every day, carers and neighbour popping in. You are right it would break your Mum's heart to lose cat and dog if she went into a home. When a person has dementia you have to do the best for them in the circumstances which you are doing. It distresses you that she can't remember your visits but does it distress her very much? If you visited her alternate days in a home she still wouldn't remember would she?
Go easy on yourself, your Mum is lucky and has lots going on in her life. Maybe she could come to your place for a change she may remember that better.
You are doing great!

Thank you FatherTed, you have made me feel much better. It is just so upsetting. If I tell mum that I have stayed over the last two nights she becomes upset and agitated and can't figure out why she can't remember. If I don't tell her then she thinks I haven't been over to visit and this makes her agitated too. I think its this emotional aspect that upsets me the most. My mother is the most gentlest, lovliest person and I just want her to know that I love her dearly with all my heart and always will. I want to be with her all the time and make sure she is happy and her needs catered for. Unfortunately I live 8 miles distant and am not allowed to drive due to health problem that I have. This will be reviewed in 6 months time and hopefully then I can regain my licence and see to mum every day without looking for a lift from my exasperated but loving partner or expecting my very busy sister (she has her own businesses) to go running over at a whim. I honestly don't blame my sister as she does what she can to help and now suffers with slight depression due to mums illness, whereas I now suffer with anxiety. What a bunch we are, but foremost in my mind is my mums happiness.

Once again thank you for your quick reply as you have raised my spirits.

 

[TheBearsMummy]

Hello Sandy63, may I suggest a one day to a page diary so you can write something nice in it each day when you visit also appointments and such so your mum can look at it and remind herself of what is happening. A spiral bound one will stay open at that days page

 

[karaokePete]

I was thinking of something along the same lines as TheBearsMummy. My thought was something along the lines of a whiteboard so that you could write what you did and when you did it on each visit along with a note of when you'll be back.

 

[Princess t]

We did a diary for my mom the beginning of this year......she used to look at it then tear the pages out. We also stuck post its of fridge.....they ended up in bin. But it wasn't her....
You are doing an amazing job....it's not easy xx

 

[Bunpoots]

Sandy 63, you are doing an amazing job. I remember my dad telling all the neighbours that no one ever came to visit him and them saying that they saw someone come round every day. It's just the way it is. Keep doing what you're doing. It's sad that they don't remember but no-one can change that