my mum keeps phoning the police and accusing me of stealing her car, her money etc etc.

[mellee]

The police keep taking her seriously and it's finally reached crisis point. I now have a court of protection order in respect of her property and affairs so can finally freeze her account and stop all the conmen from ripping her off for 100s of pounds


Unfortunately, my aunt is the same. The family are looking to place them both in a new residential facility for dementia patients near to my home and that of my brother and one of our cousins. My aunt also has a drink problem and is terrified of the police.


My aunt sent missing from my home today and I started hunting for her, desperate that she hadn't been run over. Darkness started to fall and I was pulled over by the police for a minor traffic offence. Apparently they had been following me for some time but I had no idea that indicating to change lanes and then doing so on a roundabout was an offence so I didn't realise they were flashing their lights at me!


Becoming ever more hysterical about my aunt, I realised the lights were flashing again after around 3 miles in slow traffic so pulled over to let the car pass - which then blocked off the road with 2 police vehicles! Ordered out of my car, 3 police officers demanded I be breathalysed, despite me having had nothing whatsoever to drink. I tried to explain I was searching for someone but they weren't interested. I became hysterical as night fell and they kept me by the roadside for almost 30 ins, awaiting a useable breathalyser kit. They demanded more and more details about me and my missing person. I called a friend who advised them of the situation but still I was held. the substitute breathalyser took an age to arrive and I desperately tried to argue that I should be allowed to go and look for the missing person. they then insisted they would send squad cars!! my aunt would have run away and jumped under one of them!! desperate, I gave them my mother's name - incorrect spelling - in Lancashire. They quizzed me about her and it tried to keep the details as few as possible because of her history of calling the police all the time. finally I was breathalysed - zero - and allowed to go. I carried on driving slowly looking for my aunt and received a call within a few minutes from my brother who had found her walking on a busy A road in the dark! I headed home and called 101 within 10 mins of being released by the police to report the missing person found. I had begged and begged the police not to approach the missing lady or in any way speak to her. 3 hours later I received repeated phone calls to my mobile phone - number unknown - I left them as I was trying to find somewhere to wire money via Western union to my 18 year old son in university in America. having succeeded, I again sat down, having sorted out the homework of my 13 year old for the next day - I am a long term single parent. my house phone went - worried about both my aunt and my mother - who is always in the local pub despite never having been a drinker - I answered. it was the traffic cop, who now wants to arrest me and interview me for "wasting police time".... despite my express wishes, they instructed the local police to seek out my mother and interview her - they found her in the pub and questioned her in front of everyone - she said she had never been to where I live. I work in law and cannot believe this is happening to me - I have a young teenager at home after school for a couple of hours many early evenings and the police will just turn up and bang on the door and tell her all - I have always tried to hide my mother's dementia from her. Her aunt he knows only slightyly. I am left in the situation of revealing my aunt's details in order to avoid being prosecuted, which I cannot do, given how these officers have already behaved towards my equally ill mother, despite me begging over and over again that they do not approach her. This really is one of the last straws in this dreadful saga but I share it because the authorities are so ignorant about the devastation this disease wreaks - with the result that I will now be prosecuted for not revealing the correct details of the missing lady and my well lose my job.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi

I’m not going to be able to offer you any useful advise, but I didn’t want to read & run. TP is a safe place to moan, rant, cry at what our lives have become & I hope that when you’ve had a chance to take a breath, you will be able to post more & get the answers & support you need

At the moment, you are unlikely to think this is a good idea, but ... if you register your mum & aunt as vulnerable adults with the police, giving details of their conditions, including fear of police, with details of memory problems, alcohol issues etc. Then should anything like this happen again, they can pull the relevant details & act accordingly, from a report given voluntarily and perhaps with medical corroboration

I appreciate you are upset by the treatment you have received today & I'm loath to add to your feelings of anger, but from their view, a person driving slowly, possibly erratically (as I would while looking for someone), they have a duty of care to other road users & would have to investigate. Perhaps they were lacking in empathy, perhaps they could have acted in a better manner, but they didn’t hold the facts at that time

You work in law, so you know they can only act on the facts as they see them at the time. I understand your reluctance to give them information that could make a bad situation worse, I may have been tempted to do the same in your shoes at that moment.

The first time I said to a dentist, cafe worker, stranger, my mum has Alzheimer’s I felt I was betraying her, but I’ve only received sympathy & understanding. Any negativity dissolved.

This is a nasty cruel disease, it crawls into every part of your life, it hijacks everything you try to do. Please be kind to yourself & try to take pro active action to reduce as much stress as you can

You have your children to think of, as well as yourself. You don’t need to tell them everything, just that they have memory problems & you are trying to help sort things for them. Children tend to be very resilient & simplistic in their views, accepting that Mum will do what’s rights, coz she’s Mum & that’s what mums do. It’s us adults who worry about the “what if”

Write a letter, it’s less emotive, explain the bare facts & send / take it to your local police station. There will be a log of the time you were detained & the time of your call saying the missing person was found. Wasting police time is going to be hard to prove with that information. Add dementia into the mix & a conviction is unlikely, so the CPS is unlikely to think of perusing it. If you have a sympathetic boss or HR manager, talk to them.

I hope this doesn’t add to your anger, it’s not meant to. I certainly don’t want to make you feel any worse. You sound wrung out & in need of support. TP is a great place to find that.

I’m sure others will be along with better suggestions

Take care

 

[mellee]

That's very kind of you, thank you. I wish it would be so. Unfortunately, this was a case of one police force contacting another one and, for some reason, doing the exact opposite of what had been requested. The force local to my mother know her very well and have many a statement on file made by her and also responses ad nauseam from my sister and I. I have little complaints against them - it's the force local to me and my aunt that are at fault. The fact that my mother was approached at all and that I was tracked down and phoned at home to be told I had to go to a police station at 10 pm at night or else face arrest totally underlines my decision to refuse to give my aunt's details, in my view. These were not general cops - they were traffic cops - with whom I have had very few dealings in the past but who tonight lived up to their dubious reputation, and some.

Unfortunately, if I'm afraid of them because I tend to answer back, Lord help my mother,my aunt and those like them! Education is what is needed - like fortunately has started to happen around depression and mental illness. Part of the reason I suspect my mum's local force is so much better than mine is because it is a retirement town by the sea, with a very high proportion of elderly residents, some of whom have been known for years as "our local "wanderers". Not so down south in commuter towns, it seems! Re: the CPS - no idea, but I very much doubt they would think there was a "realistic prospect of conviction". Then again - the police are referring to them less these days, because of CPS cuts, so who knows?

Thank you again for responding - I may give some thought to campaigning for some sort of basic liaison between forces on this very issue to be set up - and for some much needed training on vulnerable residents to be delivered down here!

Hi

I’m not going to be able to offer you any useful advise, but I didn’t want to read & run. TP is a safe place to moan, rant, cry at what our lives have become & I hope that when you’ve had a chance to take a breath, you will be able to post more & get the answers & support you need

At the moment, you are unlikely to think this is a good idea, but ... if you register your mum & aunt as vulnerable adults with the police, giving details of their conditions, including fear of police, with details of memory problems, alcohol issues etc. Then should anything like this happen again, they can pull the relevant details & act accordingly, from a report given voluntarily and perhaps with medical corroboration

I appreciate you are upset by the treatment you have received today & I'm loath to add to your feelings of anger, but from their view, a person driving slowly, possibly erratically (as I would while looking for someone), they have a duty of care to other road users & would have to investigate. Perhaps they were lacking in empathy, perhaps they could have acted in a better manner, but they didn’t hold the facts at that time

You work in law, so you know they can only act on the facts as they see them at the time. I understand your reluctance to give them information that could make a bad situation worse, I may have been tempted to do the same in your shoes at that moment.

The first time I said to a dentist, cafe worker, stranger, my mum has Alzheimer’s I felt I was betraying her, but I’ve only received sympathy & understanding. Any negativity dissolved.

This is a nasty cruel disease, it crawls into every part of your life, it hijacks everything you try to do. Please be kind to yourself & try to take pro active action to reduce as much stress as you can

You have your children to think of, as well as yourself. You don’t need to tell them everything, just that they have memory problems & you are trying to help sort things for them. Children tend to be very resilient & simplistic in their views, accepting that Mum will do what’s rights, coz she’s Mum & that’s what mums do. It’s us adults who worry about the “what if”

Write a letter, it’s less emotive, explain the bare facts & send / take it to your local police station. There will be a log of the time you were detained & the time of your call saying the missing person was found. Wasting police time is going to be hard to prove with that information. Add dementia into the mix & a conviction is unlikely, so the CPS is unlikely to think of perusing it. If you have a sympathetic boss or HR manager, talk to them.

I hope this doesn’t add to your anger, it’s not meant to. I certainly don’t want to make you feel any worse. You sound wrung out & in need of support. TP is a great place to find that.

I’m sure others will be along with better suggestions

Take care

 

[LadyA]

Mellee, I'm afraid I can only echo what @Sam Luvit has said. Your aunt may wander again. There may be one or two areas where the police aren't up to speed with handling people with dementia, but I think most of our members have found, time and again, that when approached and given all the details, as Sam suggests, they can be really helpful. You sound like you are under a tremendous amount of stress. If you give them all the details about your aunt, including the fact that she is terrified of the police, and should she be lost, should not actually be approached by uniformed officers, you might find them more helpful than you think. personally, I found that when I had to tell people of my husband's condition, they couldn't have been kinder or more helpful. Not just officials, but shop assistants, bus drivers. There is always the chance of coming across a "bad apple", but I believe most people are nice and want to help if they can.

 

[marionq]

You sound under a lot of stress and I too would not wish to add to that BUT you work in the law and should know that you must tell the truth if asked by the police or face the kind of mess you are now in.

It is time to get this all out in the open and recorded properly as advised above. There is no other way.

 

[Sam Luvit]

That's very kind of you, thank you. I wish it would be so. Unfortunately, this was a case of one police force contacting another one and, for some reason, doing the exact opposite of what had been requested. The force local to my mother know her very well and have many a statement on file made by her and also responses ad nauseam from my sister and I. I have little complaints against them - it's the force local to me and my aunt that are at fault.

Hi @mellee

I see your point. I had a situation where my local police were less than helpful in a (different) bad situation, I then moved & had to discuss it with my new local police. My new police were appalled at my treatment, to the extent of offering help in redress.

Could you contact the police, who know your mother & by default you & your sister well, who have an understanding of wanderers. Perhaps by telling them what has happened & asking them to pass on the facts to your local police, you may sort this mess. Maybe, if the information is passed over when urgency is not at the top of their thoughts, it will be taken correctly.

I hope you can find a way to get your local police on board & encourage education & training to prevent it happening again

I wish you lots of luck & more patients than I have