Cannot move on ...

[Butterbean]

Hello. I am new to the Forum today. Mum died last November and, whilst I have not been too bad, this last week or so I feel really down. Mum had dementia and was in the late stages. The problems I encountered with Mum's care home are stuck in my head and I feel I should do something about it.

I received a telephone call in the middle of the night in October 2016 informing me that Mum had fallen in her room and an ambulance had been called. I raced up to the hospital and Mum had only just arrived when I got there. A carer from the home was with Mum but couldn't tell me what had happened. The carer left as soon as I arrived.

As soon as the nurses attended Mum they said she had a severe water infection as they could smell it. They started Mum on two lots of antibiotics. Mum had also broken her hip and this was to be fixed asap within a few hours.

I rang the home four times to ask what had happened and nobody would tell me anything at all. During the fifth telephone call I was told Mum's alarm had gone off (Mum didn't have an alarm!!) and she was found on the floor by her bathroom. Mum had banged her head and was bleeding from the wound.
To try and cut a long story short, Mum had her hip operation which was successful but she would not eat or drink.
A member of staff visited Mum in hospital to assess whether she could come back to the care home and it was agreed she could. When I next spoke to the Manager of the care home, I was told Mum could not go back to the care home because "they couldn't meet her needs". I again spoke to the hospital and they said Mum couldn't stay there. I visited the care home to try to have a conversation with the senior member of staff on that day and was shouted at in Reception. "We can not have her back here". I had to contact the hospital again and they suggested a nearby Hospice. The next day, I had a telephone call from the care home saying that "Mum is on her way back and they CAN meet her needs as Mum now needs palliative care".
My partner and I went straight there and Mum was just arriving in an ambulance. We stayed with her all night and she passed away at 7.45am.

The staff at the care home were running around like headless chickens and called the Police because they couldn't keep Mum there and I hadn't a funeral director in place. The Police arrived and said they shouldn't have been called so they weren't happy. The Police sent for a paramedic to confirm Mum's death as Mum's GP was on holiday and no-one else would come out from the surgery.

Anyway, I could go on and on. I was in email discussion with the manager of the care home whilst all this was happening but I felt I was being dismissed. I feel that if Mum hadn't had a water infection she may not have fallen and would still be here although I know she wasn't happy during her last few weeks. I visited Mum the day before I got the telephone call during the night and told a member of staff Mum was rubbing her tummy and crying and I was told "she's ok - she gets like this". That same night, Mum fell.
I am SO sorry to waffle on but I feel I should be reporting this to someone in authority. Is it too late? I am really struggling to draw a line under it all and move on.

Any thoughts anyone please? I would be so grateful xxx

 

[LadyA]

Hello @Butterbean . I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, and for the dreadfully traumatic time you had over the time of your mum's death. A time when you should have been looked after, and treated with gentleness.

I don't know if you could/should make an official complaint. But I do think that talking things through with a Counsellor could be very helpful to you, particularly with the anniversary of your mum's death coming up soon. That's bound to be a hard time.

 

[Amethyst59]

I am sorry for what you are going through...and I imagine it is because it is nearly the anniversary that this has all come to a head. It takes a while for our minds to process what has happened...you will have been in shock after your mum died. Now I don't know...but surely there must be a regulatory body in charge of care homes? I'm familiar with educational establishments and OFSTED. There must be an equivalent. I would find that out...and get in touch with them. The care home staff sound as if they made a horrible situation even worse...and that is the very least we can say. At worst..they were negligent.

 

[Butterbean]

Hello @Butterbean . I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, and for the dreadfully traumatic time you had over the time of your mum's death. A time when you should have been looked after, and treated with gentleness.

I don't know if you could/should make an official complaint. But I do think that talking things through with a Counsellor could be very helpful to you, particularly with the anniversary of your mum's death coming up soon. That's bound to be a hard time.

 

[Butterbean]

Hi LadyA. I am sitting here nearly in tears. I cannot believe people have responded so quickly. I had counselling after Mum had gone into her care home as I was verging on a nervous breakdown. I felt it didn't really help, I'm afraid. I had always lived with Mum and we were together most of the time. My Dad died suddenly when I was 15 and so Me and Mum stayed together. I tried to look after her but it all became too much and I know I couldn't have gone on any longer. Yes, I agree, it's probably because it was this time last year we were going through all this trauma. I feel so angry that I almost want to go to the care home and tell them what I think of them.

 

[Butterbean]

I am sorry for what you are going through...and I imagine it is because it is nearly the anniversary that this has all come to a head. It takes a while for our minds to process what has happened...you will have been in shock after your mum died. Now I don't know...but surely there must be a regulatory body in charge of care homes? I'm familiar with educational establishments and OFSTED. There must be an equivalent. I would find that out...and get in touch with them. The care home staff sound as if they made a horrible situation even worse...and that is the very least we can say. At worst..they were negligent.

 

[Butterbean]

Hello Amethyst59. Thank you so much for your kind response. Yes, I will look up regulatory bodies or anything else I can find as I feel I cannot just let it be.

 

[nita]

Hello Amethyst59. Thank you so much for your kind response. Yes, I will look up regulatory bodies or anything else I can find as I feel I cannot just let it be.

Hello, Butterbean - I'm so sorry for your loss and the traumatic circumstances surrounding it. I think you should contact the CQC - the Care Quality Commission - to record your concerns.

My mother passed away last Christmas and I am still having very bad moments. She had just come out of hospital with suspected aspiration pneumonia and I had given her pureed food that night. I still feel guilty that I may have hastened her death in some way, even though it was partly expected. I think feelings of guilt and regret are normal when someone dies but maybe you will feel more content if you report your complaint to the CQC. The CH certainly didn't treat you well apart from any possible negligence to your mother.

I hope you feel better soon.