My husband has been diagnosed with moderate alzhiemers. We currently both work together as property managers for holiday homes. Even thou he has been diagnosed I still find it hard to believe he will go worse. I keep thinking that he will get better and this is a temporary loss of memory. Sometimes when he does or says things that dont make sense I just ignore him . I think I need a reality check and for someone to tell me and convince me that he will not stay like this for ever. I don't know what I want to hear. I just don't believe that he has a big problem
Think it will all go away
- Thread starter Jolean
- Start date
There are times when I too wish it would all resolve itself and my wife would get better. The sad reality is that the condition is progressive. However, both my wife and I hold on to the thought that as we do all the right things in relation to medication, care and lifestyle we can maybe, just maybe, hold back the river for a good few years. We just try to do what we can and live one day at a time. But it's so hard. Good luck to you
Jolean, hello and welcome to Talking Point. I'm sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis and that you have needed to find your way here. I hope you are able to get some advice and support.
You sound very upset, and no wonder. Your husband's diagnosis may have come as a huge shock to you. I am a carer for my mother with Alzheimer's, and I know it's not at all the same thing to care for a parent versus caring for a spouse, but I definitely remember very well what an unpleasant shock and surprise it was to get my mother's dementia diagnosis. I had known there was something wrong, but not what was wrong. I basically felt like I'd been hit in the head with something hard, the first time I really understood her diagnosis.
Talking Point is a good place to start, for advice, support, and information. You can post about whatever you need to, whenever you need to. You can also read through current and past threads. You likely will find some topics that will resonate both on the "I have a partner with dementia" section and the "I care for someone with dementia" section.
If and when you feel like reading a little more about dementia, there's good information on the Alzheimer Society's website. You might start here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20007/types_of_dementia/1/what_is_dementia
I also wonder what kind of support you have, both for you and your husband. I attend some support groups in my area and also lectures and workshops and they have been really helpful with both emotional and practical issues. You might also consider a therapist or counselor or someone for you to talk to, privately. Just some ideas.
But I really do hear that you're in shock and having trouble processing all of this. That's not unusual. When my father-in-law was diagnosed with late stage terminal cancer last year, my poor mother-in-law simply could not take the information in. She was just too upset and overwhelmed. Sometimes a big change or shock just takes time to process and take it on board. Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself some time.
Very best wishes to you and your husband.
You sound very upset, and no wonder. Your husband's diagnosis may have come as a huge shock to you. I am a carer for my mother with Alzheimer's, and I know it's not at all the same thing to care for a parent versus caring for a spouse, but I definitely remember very well what an unpleasant shock and surprise it was to get my mother's dementia diagnosis. I had known there was something wrong, but not what was wrong. I basically felt like I'd been hit in the head with something hard, the first time I really understood her diagnosis.
Talking Point is a good place to start, for advice, support, and information. You can post about whatever you need to, whenever you need to. You can also read through current and past threads. You likely will find some topics that will resonate both on the "I have a partner with dementia" section and the "I care for someone with dementia" section.
If and when you feel like reading a little more about dementia, there's good information on the Alzheimer Society's website. You might start here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20007/types_of_dementia/1/what_is_dementia
I also wonder what kind of support you have, both for you and your husband. I attend some support groups in my area and also lectures and workshops and they have been really helpful with both emotional and practical issues. You might also consider a therapist or counselor or someone for you to talk to, privately. Just some ideas.
But I really do hear that you're in shock and having trouble processing all of this. That's not unusual. When my father-in-law was diagnosed with late stage terminal cancer last year, my poor mother-in-law simply could not take the information in. She was just too upset and overwhelmed. Sometimes a big change or shock just takes time to process and take it on board. Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself some time.
Very best wishes to you and your husband.
Hi Jolene and welcome. My OH has moderate ALZ but seems to have regressed in many ways and is not presenting as having it to general public and this has been since they put her on Donepezil 18 months ago. Yes, I do see greater memory loss but mood swings and nastiness seems to have stopped. This is leading to a false Seneca of security for me too but in reality know it vannot be stopped. Good luck to you both x
Oh dear I do not know which way to turn. I am english and live in Spain. My husband only 59 years has been diagnosed with moderate dementia I just think this is all a dream and it will go away. But each day things he does and say makes me think this is all real. None of our family knows what is happening because again I don't think this is true.
Tonight we went out with friends and during the ordering of our meal and drinks he turned to me with a nudge on my arm and he said what do I want to drink and eat. Oh my heart went out to him
Why can I not accept that this man ..my life...my husband... is not the person he was.. Oh I just need so much help I don't know which way to turn.
Tonight we went out with friends and during the ordering of our meal and drinks he turned to me with a nudge on my arm and he said what do I want to drink and eat. Oh my heart went out to him
Why can I not accept that this man ..my life...my husband... is not the person he was.. Oh I just need so much help I don't know which way to turn.
hello Jolean
welcome to TP
I think when a diagnosis is so new it feels overwhelming - it may well be that your husband is functioning well at the moment and he may well continue to do so for quite some time - so take time to breath and gradually take it in
I wonder whether this site may help (I don't speak Spanish, but the content looks very similar the UK main AS site)
https://www.ceafa.es/
there are other members on TP who are in Spain, might you add the country or region to your profile so others can immediately see where you are, and then those in Spain may notice and be able to respond with info specific to the Spanish system
keep posting as we can all sympathise and offer support
best wishes
welcome to TP
I think when a diagnosis is so new it feels overwhelming - it may well be that your husband is functioning well at the moment and he may well continue to do so for quite some time - so take time to breath and gradually take it in
I wonder whether this site may help (I don't speak Spanish, but the content looks very similar the UK main AS site)
https://www.ceafa.es/
there are other members on TP who are in Spain, might you add the country or region to your profile so others can immediately see where you are, and then those in Spain may notice and be able to respond with info specific to the Spanish system
keep posting as we can all sympathise and offer support
best wishes
I think it takes time to accept changes in our lives, above all if they are for the worse.
Allow yourself the time your mind and soul need.
Allow yourself the time your mind and soul need.
Many thanks for your supporting posts it does help that someone is out there. My biggest problem is that we live in Albir which is Spain Costa Blanca, we moved here from the UK 18 years ago. We do not speak Spanish (well not fluent, just enough to get us through the day) , as there is a big ex pat community here. But all the Alzheimer's help groups are Spanish, of course they will be as it is Spain. My husband and I have discussed going back to UK, but we have lived here for many years and very reluctant to return to the UK. I suppose once I accept my husbands has Alzheimer's then maybe we can move forward. We have reduced our work load down to give us more quality time, as I am 65 years and I get a UK pension which helps towards the living costs. I suppose it is hard for me to accept he has Alzheimer's as many times my husband is fine and I keep thinking they have wrongly diagnosed him and it will all go away and we will be back to normal. Then other times he says some strange things that makes me think is brain is not fully functioning, and this then comes the dark times.
I think I am in denial, and just need to start accepting what I am facing here. Yes I was thinking of going for counselling, but then I think, you can do this yourself you are strong. The good thing my husband and I can still communicate well but how long will this last. But saying that yesterday we showed a couple in to one of our holiday homes, and the lady that is one of our regular guest turned to me and said that her husband has dementia, well it floored me. Her husband was walking around the rental property opening and closing drawers, picking things up and down repeatedly he was just like a child, it was such a shock to actually see someone in the more advance stages of Dementia.
Maybe my husband has been wrongly diagnosed maybe it will all go away.
I think I am in denial, and just need to start accepting what I am facing here. Yes I was thinking of going for counselling, but then I think, you can do this yourself you are strong. The good thing my husband and I can still communicate well but how long will this last. But saying that yesterday we showed a couple in to one of our holiday homes, and the lady that is one of our regular guest turned to me and said that her husband has dementia, well it floored me. Her husband was walking around the rental property opening and closing drawers, picking things up and down repeatedly he was just like a child, it was such a shock to actually see someone in the more advance stages of Dementia.
Maybe my husband has been wrongly diagnosed maybe it will all go away.
Sorry to read this Jolean. I think you should dig a bit deeper and I am sure you will find a dementia support group somewhere amongst your ex pat community. You definitely won't be the only one, I can tell you that! Would your GP suggest anywhere? I would still go along to the groups which are mainly for "locals" because there will certainly be people who do speak English. It really is worth a try.
In the early stages it really is hard to believe that someone has dementia as often they look fit and healthy and smart. I met up with some old school friends at the weekend and one man has just been diagnosed at 64 which was a real shock. Another woman (same age) was in a rush to get home to her hubby who also has dementia and was seldom left alone.
I think it's harder when people like your hubby are younger. My Mum is 93 and was diagnosed a year ago and she still looks smart, loves a chat, loves visitors, loves her food and so on. She went straight on to a trial medication and her decline has not been as rapid as I expected. Maybe your hubby's won't be either and you can enjoy your time in sunny Spain. Take care and DO try and find some support locally. X
In the early stages it really is hard to believe that someone has dementia as often they look fit and healthy and smart. I met up with some old school friends at the weekend and one man has just been diagnosed at 64 which was a real shock. Another woman (same age) was in a rush to get home to her hubby who also has dementia and was seldom left alone.
I think it's harder when people like your hubby are younger. My Mum is 93 and was diagnosed a year ago and she still looks smart, loves a chat, loves visitors, loves her food and so on. She went straight on to a trial medication and her decline has not been as rapid as I expected. Maybe your hubby's won't be either and you can enjoy your time in sunny Spain. Take care and DO try and find some support locally. X
I just need to know from carers, as you know from reading my posts I am new to understanding the stages of dementia and I am still not accepting my husband's diagnosis. But saying that I am trying to put plan B together. planing for the future if it all comes true. The plan being that I or should I say we will stay together to the end. I aim to care for my husband regardless of what hurdles we hit. But reading some of the posts of people suffering from advance alzhiemers I can only see that love ones are put in to a care home or special assistance. Is this really necessary or is it possible for one person ie me (in this case) able to look after my loved one through dementia to the end.
I keep saying I will never see him in a home and I will look after him regardless. Is this possible ? and is there any members out there that has done this and what advice can you give.
I keep saying I will never see him in a home and I will look after him regardless. Is this possible ? and is there any members out there that has done this and what advice can you give.
Oh, bless your heart...you sound so distressed...and lots of us have been in the same position. My husband was diagnosed just over a year ago, but I noticed changes before the diagnosis. I joined TP in July...and did what you are doing. I read lots of posts, read about people much worse than my husband...and it upset me...and for a while I didn’t read, or post. Then I had questions, and came here, got them answered...and gradually got to ‘know’ people here. It will be the same for you...this is such a good source of support, and knowledge.
It is good to make plans for the future, but try to slow down a bit. Don’t waste the present, worrying too much about what might happen. It is real, and it is scary, and horrible, and unfair...but you still have your lovely husband. He needs more support now than he did, and you will gradually get used to providing that support.
As for if, or when, the time comes for full time care, you may be able to provide it, with some help, or you may need to use the professionals.
Rather than make hard and fast rules about what I will or will not do in the future, I am thinking I will provide all my husband needs, in our own home...until or unless the time comes when the care can be better provided by someone else.
This is not my first marriage: my late husband wanted to die at home...and I kept him at home for as long as I could. He was ill for nearly five years. And for the last three weeks of his life he was in the hospice. I had not failed him; they could offer far better care than I could....by a million miles. So try not to worry too much about what might be happening in a few years. Make the adjustments you need to now, and enjoy everything you can do together now.
It is good to make plans for the future, but try to slow down a bit. Don’t waste the present, worrying too much about what might happen. It is real, and it is scary, and horrible, and unfair...but you still have your lovely husband. He needs more support now than he did, and you will gradually get used to providing that support.
As for if, or when, the time comes for full time care, you may be able to provide it, with some help, or you may need to use the professionals.
Rather than make hard and fast rules about what I will or will not do in the future, I am thinking I will provide all my husband needs, in our own home...until or unless the time comes when the care can be better provided by someone else.
This is not my first marriage: my late husband wanted to die at home...and I kept him at home for as long as I could. He was ill for nearly five years. And for the last three weeks of his life he was in the hospice. I had not failed him; they could offer far better care than I could....by a million miles. So try not to worry too much about what might be happening in a few years. Make the adjustments you need to now, and enjoy everything you can do together now.
On a practical level, you might find these groups helpful, if not now, maybe in the future.
Age Concern Spain http://acespana.org/
The Spanish Alzheimer's Association https://www.ceafa.es/es/
The Royal British Legion in your area http://counties.britishlegion.org.uk/counties/spain-north
Age Concern Spain http://acespana.org/
The Spanish Alzheimer's Association https://www.ceafa.es/es/
The Royal British Legion in your area http://counties.britishlegion.org.uk/counties/spain-north
Thank you so much for your posts. and I am very sorry to hear that your husband has also been diagnosed with Alzheimer's/Dementia. must be very hard for you too, as it sounds like you have already been down this path before, my heart is with you and I think you are very brave. Good luck and hope it is a pleasant journey for both of you and your family.
I am reading quite a lot of the posts and it scares me and to one point I thought like you, it might be better not posting or reading any more, but it is my only escape. Even thou my husband and I have lots of conversations about his condition, I never let him see me upset or cry, but when I am on the forum I just cry and cry and I just feel like it helps sometimes, I feel as if the world is going to cave in around me, all that we have achieved and done together, our business our home and our family what will happen to all this. I am trying to find away around this an easy route, I feel I should be prepared and organised and this is why I feel I need to plan now. My main concern of course after my husband is our living conditions. We are currently living in Spain in a rented villa, which is a big villa. We own property in UK which we are thinking of selling and use the funds to buy a small holding here, property that is on the flat with no hills or stairs. But then I am frightened , what happens if I don't get the support that is needed when and if my husband is in such health that he needs extra support. Then I might be sorry that we sold our house in UK. But we have had many discussions about moving back to the UK and both of us want to remain in Spain.
But it is ok saying this at the moment, but I just don't know what is in front of us. This is why I read all the posts the good and the bad, I want to know the worst-case scenario , and then I will base my future - ''our future'' with this in mind. If my husband does not go into the severe stage then I have not lost, but if he does I am prepared. Very hard for me to explain, cause I was never good at putting pen to paper.
Thank you so much for your support. xxxx
I am reading quite a lot of the posts and it scares me and to one point I thought like you, it might be better not posting or reading any more, but it is my only escape. Even thou my husband and I have lots of conversations about his condition, I never let him see me upset or cry, but when I am on the forum I just cry and cry and I just feel like it helps sometimes, I feel as if the world is going to cave in around me, all that we have achieved and done together, our business our home and our family what will happen to all this. I am trying to find away around this an easy route, I feel I should be prepared and organised and this is why I feel I need to plan now. My main concern of course after my husband is our living conditions. We are currently living in Spain in a rented villa, which is a big villa. We own property in UK which we are thinking of selling and use the funds to buy a small holding here, property that is on the flat with no hills or stairs. But then I am frightened , what happens if I don't get the support that is needed when and if my husband is in such health that he needs extra support. Then I might be sorry that we sold our house in UK. But we have had many discussions about moving back to the UK and both of us want to remain in Spain.
But it is ok saying this at the moment, but I just don't know what is in front of us. This is why I read all the posts the good and the bad, I want to know the worst-case scenario , and then I will base my future - ''our future'' with this in mind. If my husband does not go into the severe stage then I have not lost, but if he does I am prepared. Very hard for me to explain, cause I was never good at putting pen to paper.
Thank you so much for your support. xxxx
Morning Jolean. One other thing you do need to be aware of is that, in Spain, the spouse (and children, if applicable) are responsible for the care and maintenance of somebody who requires care. In the UK, care is paid for only by the person receiving it.
http://www.alzheimer-europe.org/Policy-in-Practice2/Country-comparisons/2005-Home-care/Spain
http://www.alzheimer-europe.org/Pol...egal-capacity-and-proxy-decision-making/Spain
http://www.alzheimer-europe.org/Policy-in-Practice2/Country-comparisons/2005-Home-care/Spain
http://www.alzheimer-europe.org/Pol...egal-capacity-and-proxy-decision-making/Spain
Thank you for this information this is what scares me. I think I can look after my husband what ever. But what is 'what ever I don't know because I have not experienced anything like this before.
Living in Spain is so nice with the good weather and much more. We have savings so I could employ someone to help this is why we are looking for the right property
But maybe I am living in fairy land. That I don't know ?
Living in Spain is so nice with the good weather and much more. We have savings so I could employ someone to help this is why we are looking for the right property
But maybe I am living in fairy land. That I don't know ?
I’m thinking that maybe you shouldn’t rely on your savings...which are finite. Unless you have enough to invest and use the interest/dividends? The trouble is, you don’t know how long you will need to be providing care. I would strongly advise that you try to get some sort of prognosis before you sell the house in the UK. Sorry to be sounding doom and gloom...but it is a big step to take...even if both of you are in good health...and your circumstances have changed.
Oh dear this is what scares me. I think I can look after him regardless of what ever happens. What is the difference between me and another person looking after him , after all half the people that work in care home have very little experience and are on a little wage. When I married my husband l vowed in sickness and in health and my aim is to follow this through to the end.
But what is the end that I don't know.
It is not the end of the world if some one else can do it so will I.
But I appreciate your support x
But what is the end that I don't know.
It is not the end of the world if some one else can do it so will I.
But I appreciate your support x
Of course, you would be capable...but you are only one person...so could not possibly provide 24 hour care for any length of time. But that is worse case scenario...just make lots of enquiries before you sell the UK house. Sorry, none of my business. I’m sure you will do the right thing. All we can ever do is what we think is right.
H
Hello and thanks for your post . Could I ask how long is it since your wife was diagnosed with alzhimers/dementia and how are you coping?
