After 6 years of Dad caring for Mam at home..we had to decide that she now needs nursing care..needs help to eat doubly incontinent..speach difficulties lost a lot of weight. I know it's the best thing for her as we were really struggling at home .She's only been in a few days and I free utterly bereft. I just hope we've done the right thing by her .I feel she's even further away from me now she's not home.
So sorry Mam
- Thread starter Jacquetta
- Start date
Hi Jacquetta, it's so hard isn't it. You have done your best but you know its no longer enough. Give it some time and you may find you get back some of that mother daughter relationship now you are not doing all the caring.
My mum lived alone and I work full time so after 6 years of juggling and finally accepting mum needed more support than I could give her, my brother and I (with her agreement) moved her into an assisted living with care scheme. It's been just 5 weeks but I am lost. Mum goes from loving it to demanding to know from the staff why I dumped her there. She wants to see her kids -we are 52 & 51. I get called all the names under the sun when I am not there. I worry constantly and have to keep telling myself she is safer there than alone in her old flat. She has more company, the carers seem nice and she still has a small flat. I visit less than before but still pop in 4 -5 days a week but for 1-2 hrs. Small steps.
My mum lived alone and I work full time so after 6 years of juggling and finally accepting mum needed more support than I could give her, my brother and I (with her agreement) moved her into an assisted living with care scheme. It's been just 5 weeks but I am lost. Mum goes from loving it to demanding to know from the staff why I dumped her there. She wants to see her kids -we are 52 & 51. I get called all the names under the sun when I am not there. I worry constantly and have to keep telling myself she is safer there than alone in her old flat. She has more company, the carers seem nice and she still has a small flat. I visit less than before but still pop in 4 -5 days a week but for 1-2 hrs. Small steps.
Of course you've done the right thing @Jacquetta . Your mum has come to the stage where it needs more than one person to care for her. She needs a team.
You and your father will still be able to care for her and will be so much more able now you have others to share the caring with you.
My husband gained weight once he was in residential care . I hope your mum gains weight too .
You and your father will still be able to care for her and will be so much more able now you have others to share the caring with you.
My husband gained weight once he was in residential care . I hope your mum gains weight too .
Jacquetta, for 6 years your mother's needs have demanded a lot of attention and you and your father have given your love and time to keep Mum at home. She has been centre stage in your home and your lives have adapted around her and her needs so it is natural that now she is not there you feel lost, bereaved and doubting if you have taken the right path......
Let me tell you, you have. From what you have written Mum needed far more than you and Dad could provide for any length of time. As the previous poster has said your relationship now with Mum will be as a loving daughter, not a carer. She is not far away, you can visit her as often as you like. You know you didn't make that decision till you absolutely had to. You will read from other posters here that from time to time you will feel guilty but that is only natural. Don't let guilt obscure the fact that you have acted in her best interest.
Let me tell you, you have. From what you have written Mum needed far more than you and Dad could provide for any length of time. As the previous poster has said your relationship now with Mum will be as a loving daughter, not a carer. She is not far away, you can visit her as often as you like. You know you didn't make that decision till you absolutely had to. You will read from other posters here that from time to time you will feel guilty but that is only natural. Don't let guilt obscure the fact that you have acted in her best interest.
You wont have abandoned her, Jacquetta, and you will still be caring - just in a different way. You will be part of a team now and others will do the hands-on stuff. You will be her voice now, her advocate and intermediary to make sure that she gets good care. You will still be checking on her things, buying new clothes and toiletries, sorting out little treats and outings out (if shes able to). listening to her stories and reading to her. You will become part of the team and will get to know other residents and their families - who begin to feel like your own extended family.
It just takes time
xx
It just takes time
xx
