I'm a hatefull bustard, apparently!!!

[VonVee]

Tonight, i was putting to bed my mum, the usual routine, and out of the blue, she called me a hatefull bustard, and said that she's going to tell the authorities and get us all sacked (me) .

Now im not usually affected by her acid tongue, shes 85 and got severe dementia and hardly any metal comprehension left, but when she wants to, she can give it to me good, and boy does she let rip! Usually its like water off a ducks back, but tonight i dont know why, but i let her words get to me, and i got really upset.

I litterally do everything for that woman, she cant do much herself, not anymore, and i put up with her rubbish day in day out, all times of the day and night, and for most of it, i stay mute, and i walk away, i try not to give her the ammunition.

Its nights like this, that make me ask myself ," what am i doing this for" and i feel like jacking it in and sticking her into a care home, but then if i did that, id be giving up, I'd be letting her down, and I'd be letting her win, and thats not going to happen. Obviously she will go into a care home once she becomes too much for me to handle and the desease worsens, she wont be aware by then, and im not a martyr.

Thanks for listening, i just needed a rant.

 

[HillyBilly]

Just wanted to respond and say that I do understand what you're experiencing - the verbal abuse from the person you're caring for. Not much fun, is it. But none of us are saints or have an elephant's hide. There are times it will get to you. But you are doing your best and that's all you can do, so well done.
BTW if it comes to your Mum moving into care it won't be because you have let her down - it will be because the dementia has become too much for one person to handle and that happens to many people. If that does ever happen then know that you did your very best and feel proud of yourself.

 

[LadyA]

Rant away, VonVee. It can be very hard going! And we can repeat until we're blue in the face "it's not them, it's the disease" - but it looks like them, and sounds like them, and so it gets very hurtful. Wishing you strength.

 

[VonVee]

Just wanted to respond and say that I do understand what you're experiencing - the verbal abuse from the person you're caring for. Not much fun, is it. But none of us are saints or have an elephant's hide. There are times it will get to you. But you are doing your best and that's all you can do, so well done.
BTW if it comes to your Mum moving into care it won't be because you have let her down - it will be because the dementia has become too much for one person to handle and that happens to many people. If that does ever happen then know that you did your very best and feel proud of yourself.

Yeah i will hillbilly, thanks very much for that! Xx

 

[2jays]

If ever it came a time your mum needed to be in a care home

It's not because you have failed

It's because you are keeping in mind that you are doing your absolute best for your mum

Some one very wise, a few years ago, they reminded me that if mum broke her leg, I probably would be the first to take her to hospital and wouldn't feel guilty, therefore why should I feel guilty for not keeping mum at home when I couldn't continue looking after her

They also said, make sure that guilt monster isn't fed with "maybe I should" or "if only I tried harder"

From my experience, I pass onto you, smother that guilt monster and make sure you don't give room to the "if only" monster. Neither are helpful

You wouldn't be here if you never did your best at all times

Sometimes your best needs a hand and that hand is

A rant on TP and when that rant doesn't help, get outside help

 

[Ann Mac]

You're a 'hateful bustard' - and (according to my Mil) I'm a man-mad floozy who is intent on having an affair with her husband (who is actually her son, and my husband, in reality!)

I was also - at various times, over the 3 years she lived with us - a 'twisted pervert who got a kick out of seeing her naked and humiliated' (because she was incontinent and unable to wash/bath herself and I had to help), a poisoner, a muderer, a hateful b***h who would burn in hell for treating her cruelly, a thief, a liar and a 'cow who wouldn't lift a finger to help her', who frequently refused her food and often left her locked up in her room, after beating her 'black and blue'.

I know it was the dementia, but it didn't stop it getting to me and being hurtful, so I fully understand your rant - Lord knows, when Mil lived with us, i would have cracked up if it hadn't been for TP giving me somewhere to let off steam!

Mil is in a care home now - but that's not because I failed, anymore than if/when your Mum goes into residential care it will be because you have failed, Vonvee. I admit that I've had times when I've found myself thinking 'If I'd only done this' or 'Maybe I shouldn't have done that', I may have been able to keep Mil here - but 2jays is right - letting thoughts like that creep in just feeds the guilt monster.

Mil went into residential when she became physically violent. It wasn't because I'd failed, it was because the dementia had caused a situation that meant that the best care could be given to her in a residential specialist place, where if she became physically or verbally aggressive with one person, then another could step in and difuse the situation - which, meant less chance of Mil becomming horribly agitated. It meant she was safer, because her care wasn't being provided by someone who was physically and mentally too exhausted to always be on the ball. It meant she was now in the best place to deal with this awful disease. it didn't mean I'd given up, or thrown in the towel, or let the dementia win - it just meant that I'd done the best thing for her.

And that will be exactly the same for you hun xxxxxx

 

[Witzend]

Sympathies, VV. you can tell yourself 'It's not her, it's this horrible disease' till you're blue in the face, but that doesn't stop it hurting like hell at the time. It can easily reduce you to tears. I and another sibling were upset enough for that more than once.

On a slightly lighter note, when she was in hospital (over 90, broken hip) my mother would abuse the nurses, tell them she was going to tell her father of them and he'd have them all put in prison.
One nurse's response (sister was there to hear) was, 'Well, I've spoken to your father, and HE says you've got to eat your lunch.' They were very good with her.

 

[Lavender45]

Sympathies, VV. you can tell yourself 'It's not her, it's this horrible disease' till you're blue in the face, but that doesn't stop it hurting like hell at the time. It can easily reduce you to tears. I and another sibling were upset enough for that more than once.

On a slightly lighter note, when she was in hospital (over 90, broken hip) my mother would abuse the nurses, tell them she was going to tell her father of them and he'd have them all put in prison.
One nurse's response (sister was there to hear) was, 'Well, I've spoken to your father, and HE says you've got to eat your lunch.' They were very good with her.

I agree it's hard to switch off from the nastiness and that tell yourself they cannot help it, it's the dementia. I know it cut me to the quick to be told I never wanted you as a child I don't want you now. It's hard not to take that personally, especially when your mum was never exact a loving parent.

My mum went into a nursing home recently and reading her notes she is clearly taking her bile out on the staff, she's sacked them all from the manager down, but the note recorded which makes me smile is one which records mum calling the staff lazy fat cows. It's so easy to imagine her screeching that at the poor staff!

 

[Fullticket]

It's the disease... easy to say and others have been much more eloquent than me. I have gradually upped mum's day care in our local care home. When she first started (one day a week) they were all batty... Now, three and a half years down the line, she actively enjoys the activities (admittedly this is a good care home!) and is greeted three days a week with hugs and kisses from the staff and cheery hellos from those residents with it enough to remember who she is. Her activities are much more in line with someone who is 93 with dementia and much better than I can provide for her. She is in company, warm and safe. Mum is off for a fortnight's respite on Wednesday so I get a break and I know she will be well cared for - and she does not mind going. So, assuming I might be able to get her into that care home or something similar, I have no worries about putting her into a home when the time comes.

 

[Amble]

Why are they so angry
Discussion in 'Poems' started by marianj, Apr 25, 2017.
I just wondered whether you would find this lovely poem at all helpful and consoling?
So sorry for what you are going through.

 

[john1939]

Hello, We are all coping, or attempting to cope with things we never thought we would have to deal with.. You develop a mental armour which shields you from the torrent of abuse which is frequently directed at you. My wife's doctor said that during periods of aggression I should simply give her an extra Quietipine. This curbs the anger but sometimes results in zombie like behaviour. That's the price for a bit of peace, I suppose.
Oh, a while ago an 8 inch carving knife was found under her pillow. That with threats to do harm was a real concern.