Change of Behaviour - HELP

[Rosie4u]

I thought that I had got to grips with the situation with my OH who has Alzheimers and we were coping very well.

Even though I knew it was coming I wasnt expecting it yet -I was knocked sideways this week when he asked me where I lived and if I had ever been married. He is really upset about something and he said what we were doing was wrong -
I think he thinks we are both married to someone else!!
He talks about me to me in the third person - using my name.

This has happened two or three times and the rest of the time he seems OK.

I really couldnt cope with it - and feel I have been knocked back to the beginning where I just want to burst into tears at any opportunity and its so hard to be kind and patient.

I'm sure I'll get to grips with it - but has anyone any tips for this - from reading other posts I know that others will have got through this.

Please help

 

[Spamar]

Sorry, Rosie, this is what it's about. In the early days of OHs dementia, some behaviour would crop up, I would deal with it, then sit back and smirk, and say I can do this. Then I found something else would happen.......then something more !
It's a pity you have to deal with this early on, but you can cope, I'm sure!
It's trite, you know it's not him, but the disease.
Good luck!

 

[Rosie4u]

Thank you -it is certainly a test of character

 

[Everton Annie]

I thought that I had got to grips with the situation with my OH who has Alzheimers and we were coping very well.

Even though I knew it was coming I wasnt expecting it yet -I was knocked sideways this week when he asked me where I lived and if I had ever been married. He is really upset about something and he said what we were doing was wrong -
I think he thinks we are both married to someone else!!
He talks about me to me in the third person - using my name.

This has happened two or three times and the rest of the time he seems OK.

I really couldnt cope with it - and feel I have been knocked back to the beginning where I just want to burst into tears at any opportunity and its so hard to be kind and patient.

I'm sure I'll get to grips with it - but has anyone any tips for this - from reading other posts I know that others will have got through this.

Please help

Sadly Rosie I have this all the time. He hasn't known who I am for about a year now. In the beginning he would tell me his wife was dead or taken by her family and he had to bring up his children by himself. He would look at photos of him and me, even recent ones, and ask who the woman was. I used to say that I didn't know then one day I foolishly said it was me and I was his wife. I didn't know that he was on the edge of a full, blown psychotic episode that needed specialist intervention, but my saying that pushed him over the edge I think. I have since put away photographs of me to avoid the situation. Now though when asked he will say he isn't married and hasn't got children although acknowledges he has a granddaughter. Told me last week my job was to find him a girlfriend.

It is this emotional "stuff" I find most difficult and upsetting. The practical things are not a problem but I am so weary of playing a bit part when no-one has given me a script. It was the reason I moved into the spare room as he found it confusing and inappropriate for me to be in his room. Can't tell you how many times he has asked me to lock the door behind me when I leave at night.

The only advice I can give is for you to try to block your emotions and go with the flow. It doesn't hurt less but it can help to stop situations escalating . I also write a diary, not every day, but just to record when things change or seem really out of kilter. Helps me get some perspective and is there when my CPN asks how things are, otherwise everything gets normalised.

I hate my life and this is the only place I can say this without being judged.

Take a deep breath Rosie.

 

[Rosie4u]

Sadly Rosie I have this all the time. He hasn't known who I am for about a year now. In the beginning he would tell me his wife was dead or taken by her family and he had to bring up his children by himself. He would look at photos of him and me, even recent ones, and ask who the woman was. I used to say that I didn't know then one day I foolishly said it was me and I was his wife. I didn't know that he was on the edge of a full, blown psychotic episode that needed specialist intervention, but my saying that pushed him over the edge I think. I have since put away photographs of me to avoid the situation. Now though when asked he will say he isn't married and hasn't got children although acknowledges he has a granddaughter. Told me last week my job was to find him a girlfriend.

It is this emotional "stuff" I find most difficult and upsetting. The practical things are not a problem but I am so weary of playing a bit part when no-one has given me a script. It was the reason I moved into the spare room as he found it confusing and inappropriate for me to be in his room. Can't tell you how many times he has asked me to lock the door behind me when I leave at night.

The only advice I can give is for you to try to block your emotions and go with the flow. It doesn't hurt less but it can help to stop situations escalating . I also write a diary, not every day, but just to record when things change or seem really out of kilter. Helps me get some perspective and is there when my CPN asks how things are, otherwise everything gets normalised.

I hate my life and this is the only place I can say this without being judged.

Take a deep breath Rosie.

Thank you - I did get a little afraid I had said the wrong thing as he got very upset when I said we were married. We were away on holiday at the time and I dont think we'll be going again.
Now we are back home he is fine and there are no issues for the moment.
I have started a diary as well as I want to be able to look back to see when things happen.
Its a lifeline to be able to come on here and realise that people do understand. You are right , the practical things can just be 'done' , its the other bits that really rip your heart out.
We just all keep going

 

[Julia B]

Hello, MIL remembers me as I am newest in her life ( 5 years ) whereas her sons (my hubby is her carer) are often lost, she talks about them to them, thinks they aren't her sons as they can't be that old, her grandson is her youngest brother, and she gets so irate that they sit in her lounge drinking coffee when they are taxi drivers who followed her in, or people that work with her in the "home" she runs...where the other residents are we don't know! And why does that man call me mum??All I say is sorry you are worried, Michael goes and changes his shirt, then all is peaceful until the next one. Sending you a hug honey, tougher still for you , sorry x

 

[Julia B]

no judgement, just a huge hug Everton Annie x

 

[Rosie4u]

Hi just a quick question what do you say when you are asked who you are.We'd had a nice day when he turned to me and said 'Who are you ' and where do you live.Tried to divert but he kept at it. Any one got a good reply .I did try I'm here to look after you but it didnt work

 

[Sammie234]

No one judges anyone else, we all just do the best we can, my husband knows who I am even though he gets frustrated that there are so many things that he can’t do. Like driving he was a very good driver and we had motorbikes years ago. These days we rely on public transport. I dread the thought that one day he may not know me but no ones journey will ever be the same.

 

[Spamar]

When OH asked, where is my wife, I answered, your wife had to go out, and she asked me to look after you. He accepted that, being used to carers. When I was putting him to bed,, he asked when would his wife be back? I said she would be back by her bedtime. When I finally got to bed, he was happy to see me!
This happened two or three times, and he accepted it every time.
Probably wouldn’t work for everyone, but worked for me.

 

[Everton Annie]

Hi just a quick question what do you say when you are asked who you are.We'd had a nice day when he turned to me and said 'Who are you ' and where do you live.Tried to divert but he kept at it. Any one got a good reply .I did try I'm here to look after you but it didnt work

Hi @Rosie4u when my husband asks I just say I'm Ann and if he asks where I come from I say all over the place, which is true because my dad was in the RAF and we were all over the place then I ask where he comes from and that is usually enough of a distraction. Sometimes he asks how long I have been doing this job (looking after him), I am always ambiguous in my answer. He asked me the other day where my husband was, that was tricky, in the end I just said that I had lost him a little while ago. Mind you he then said well we can get married then! There is always something that I haven't anticipated !

 

[Rosie4u]

Thank you, he did ask if I was married. !!
I'll keep some of those answers in mind - I'm not very good at thinking on my feet as yet - but getting better and i know the most important things are not to let him see if I am upset and not to upset him.

Thank you

 

[Rosie4u]

When OH asked, where is my wife, I answered, your wife had to go out, and she asked me to look after you. He accepted that, being used to carers. When I was putting him to bed,, he asked when would his wife be back? I said she would be back by her bedtime. When I finally got to bed, he was happy to see me!
This happened two or three times, and he accepted it every time.
Probably wouldn’t work for everyone, but worked for me.

Thank you - I'll try some of these - thanks