How can we advice others when all our situations are so different

[cornishmike]

hello, As a new member, i started looking around the site to see what information on here was relevant to me. My heart has sunk, as so many of us have so different situations.
Living in Cornwall and being retired gives me such an advantage. So many people on here are trying to do the impossible it seems to me. Juggling is not easy, if it were people wouldn't be able to make a living out of their skill. It is far easier for me as I have time. money and a county where the social services have been so helpful. it still doesn't alleviate the loneliness and despair I feel every night as I climb our stairs leaving my beautiful wife marooned in her hospital bed. Sleeping pills allowing me my much needed sleep. Each Morning trepidation is my feeling as I look in on her.
But I put on this act of being able to cope, but the knowledge even the smallest thing can send my life spiraling.

 

[Beate]

You would be surprised how many things are the same for almost everyone, and how much advice you can get when posting a problem. Finances, benefits, incontinence, communication problems... There is always someone who will have gone through it already and as for being able to cope or the illusion of it - I think most of us resemble the outwardly calm duck that is paddling furiously under water. You don't have to pretend here though - we know what it's like!

 

[Julia B]

sometimes, dear loving Mike, we can't advise, all we can do is support, and realise we aren't " alone". Sending you a hug x

 

[SnowWhite]

Hello and welcome Mike!

I don't think there's been a single day since my Mum was diagnosed last year that I haven't woken up and thought "what's today's problem going to be." So I do know how you feel. It's draining isn't it?

What do you do in the day when you are not visiting your wife? Are you able to get out and do things preferably with other people? I think that takes your mind off things if you can.

You are very fortunate in having good social services down there as you say Mike.

 

[Shedrech]

hello cornishmike
and welcome to TP
we carers may not be in the same situation but each is similar in many ways - and there is a good number of husbands/male partners who post regularly so are here to share experiences with

good to read that your local Social Services are supporting you and your wife, do keep them up to date and maybe consider a spell of respite for you to recharge your batteries whilst your wife is looked after

is there a carers cafe near you? - have a look at the AS listings of local services by hitting the link at top right of this page to Alzheimer's Society Resources - if it is tricky to take some time out of the house, maybe see if your SS can link you to a sitter/befriender to spend a few hours with your wife

and your GP is there to support your health and welfare too, so have a chat with them about how things are affecting you - sometimes it's good to let the coping mask slip and let others see that you need support, otherwise they just may not realise

now you've joined this sympathetic community, keep posting
best wishes

 

[patsy56]

Hi Mike, I think when we have been there we can advise we can help from our own challenges

 

[Scouts girl]

Each of our journeys can be different in some ways but we all feel the emotions of caring for a loved one with dementia. When I read some of the posts on TP I feel sort of 'lucky '
in some respects as I am retired and my mum is being well cared for in a care home and I don't have to juggle work and look after a young family, and any spare time I have can be spent with mum but if I want a day off I can have one without having to think about how am I going to sort out her care etc., etc., BUT it is still heartbreaking to see her deteriorate so quickly now, she is not eating and has lost a tremendous amount of weight. I just think about her constantly when I am not with her and, I am sure like many of you have spent many sleepless nights worrying about her. I admire all of us for doing all we can whether it is day to day care or emotional care and wish with all my heart that I could wave a magic wand and have my lovely mum back with me.

 

[Unhappy15]

Hello Mike,
Welcome to talking point. I know all our situations are different because this illness takes our loved ones in differing ways, but take them it does. The thing we all have in common is the crushing sadness of having to live the life you never imagined. Only people who have experienced dealing understand the reality of it, the daily frustrations and worst of all the loneliness.
My husband has been in care for two years and I have times when I think I am coping and starting to rebuild some sort of future but out of the blue the whole despair of the situation strikes. That is where talking point helps, you do read posts that resonate and the underlying understanding from other people is there. Some posts make you cry and some make you smile and you are aware that so many people are going through similar experiences and feelings and through the posts there is a wonderful feeling of support when you most need it. Keep posting Mike.