Mil wouldn't get out of the car

[Kjn]

I wonder if anyone can throw any light for me here.
I have suspicions of mil having dementia elements although nothing showed up on the scan.
Other than some odd conversations, anxiety , forgetting things and names she has recently started to refuse to get out of the car when taken out .
First being with very good close friend, got to a place they often go but refused to get from the car and wanted to go home.
Second , OH ..her only child took to a garden centre for lunch, she hadn't been before and again refused to get out and said she would feel silly going in.
Third a couple of friends were staying with her, took her out to place she knows very well for little wander (village) and go for cuppa and cake. Again refused to get out .

She is out daily , goes to all manner of groups and social occasions each week so it's not that she isn't one for being out. She is out more than in during the week and moans if she hasn't got something planned.
Ann thoughts

 

[lemonjuice]

Although without a diagnosis of at the very least 'cognitive impairment' one can't really say. however this is a problem I often encountered with my mother. Whenever we were out of the 'comfort-zone' of her own house, she had to be constantly reassured to walk, move forward with nearly every step. I remember once coming back from the shops on what should have been a 5 minute walk taking over half an hour, because with she would just keep siting down on the pavement and say ,"I'm going to die here." Getting her back on to her feet and making the next step, only to keep repeating the exercise was a true test if my patience. But I knew I couldn't carry her and the shopping so just had to keep going.

When she moved into the NH they found similar problems and stopped taking her out on visits/ coffee mornings etc. the last time I took her out, well over 5 years now to get her glasses at the optician's it created such a stir that we never tried to take her out again. She just couldn't cope with anything unfamiliar.

re-reading your post it may well be that seeing as how she enjoys the outings, just not the getting out of the car, it could be more of a problem with her 'remembering' how to do it. The process involves many complicated manoeuvres if you think about it and all need to be done in the correct order.
You may need to prompt her, as I remember doing, So for example.
Mother we need to get out of the car now. I'll come round and open the door for you. (Informs her of what is about to happen.)
then you need to prompt each stage in the manoeuvre, which in your m-I-l's case may be slightly different. But for example.

Right mother put your hand on the dashboard to support you.
That's good.

Now lift your feet off the ground turn yourself round to face me.
Good again.

Now put one foot forward onto the ground.
Now I'll help you get the other leg down and support you as you do it.

Well done. Now stand a bit and find your balance.

Ready now?
Let's start wit this foot. (I used to actually touch her knee to indicate which leg.)

Sounds a bit schoolmarmish and it has to be practised to be done in a non-patronising way so she doesn't feel humiliated. Much laughter and smiles as you do it.
Laughter is the one essential ingredient with dealing with behaviour. At least at the time. After it's done you may well have a good cry, 'that it has come o this!'.

 

[Kjn]

Hi sorry
I should have said her mobility is fine, she still drives and walks no problem.
I think when you say 'familiar surroundings' may be it.
I shall watch this and see what happens .
Thanks.

 

[lemonjuice]

Hi sorry
I should have said her mobility is fine, she still drives and walks no problem.
I think when you say 'familiar surroundings' may be it.
I shall watch this and see what happens .
Thanks.

Oh didn't realise she was still able to drive herself. Puts an entirely different interpretation on it.
In which case it may have more to do with how she anticipates the social interaction involved with the 'stranger's element?

 

[Cat27]

Is she anxious about eating or drinking in public?

 

[Kjn]

No , nothing . Although mostly too busy gawping or loudly commenting on what others are having/doing.

 

[Risa]

Looking back, the first sign that my mum had dementia was her change in personality rather than her memory. We put it down to her being highly strung but she was quite irrational and argumentative. Wish we had been more clued up then, it would have saved a lot of aggro

Definitely worth keeping a close eye on your mil KJN.

 

[DollyBird16]

Hi
Sounds like a tough one.
A thought from me, sharing my experiences with my Mum. I wonder given its being in unusual surroundings, if there is a fear of being caught short with the loo.
My Mum is uncomfortable when we get to places she doesn't know and likes to know where the toilet is. She is also constantly looking round for the people who are talking about her or their spies. It does start earlier in places she doesn't know.
I'm sure others have thoughts experience with this too.
Warm wishes to you

 

[lemonjuice]

Looking back, the first sign that my mum had dementia was her change in personality rather than her memory. We put it down to her being highly strung but she was quite irrational and argumentative. Wish we had been more clued up then, it would have saved a lot of aggro

Definitely worth keeping a close eye on your mil KJN.

Ditto. The earliest signs in my mother with Vascular dementia were the changes in personality. Like you I just put it down to 'just more' of her 'problematic personality' exacerbated by age and the loss of her beloved husband.

She kept passing all those 'memory tests year on year and I believe memory loss comes much later with vascular as opposed to Alzheimers.

 

[Kjn]

She had made gp appt yesterday (likes going to him) , he has upped her mirtazapine again.

My dad is vasc alz and although was depressed before a bit , he had had a stoke and was directions and forgetting people mum noticed rather than behaviour.

I will just keep an eye via OH.
Thanks

 

[Rosettastone57]

I wonder if anyone can throw any light for me here.
I have suspicions of mil having dementia elements although nothing showed up on the scan.
Other than some odd conversations, anxiety , forgetting things and names she has recently started to refuse to get out of the car when taken out .
First being with very good close friend, got to a place they often go but refused to get from the car and wanted to go home.
Second , OH ..her only child took to a garden centre for lunch, she hadn't been before and again refused to get out and said she would feel silly going in.
Third a couple of friends were staying with her, took her out to place she knows very well for little wander (village) and go for cuppa and cake. Again refused to get out .

She is out daily , goes to all manner of groups and social occasions each week so it's not that she isn't one for being out. She is out more than in during the week and moans if she hasn't got something planned.
Ann thoughts

Hi just another thought.... my mother-in-law who has mixed dementia finds it very difficult going out and part of the reason is that the visual processing has started to deteriorate. She often misinterprets what she sees outside and I think this causes her confusion anxiety and she no longer wants to go out. On the rare occasion that she was in the car with me on the way to the dentist she kept saying that her neighbour's lights where strung across the whole of the road when clearly they weren't. Of course there's no convincing her otherwise she's always right

 

[Katrine]

Another really simple possibility is toilet anxiety. My MIL started to refuse to use public toilets and would only go at home or at the houses of people she knew. Of course she didn't say she was anxious, she just said she didn't need to go when it was suggested. Then she would sometimes be caught short by trying to hold on too long.

So my suggestion is to make absolutely sure that your MIL has 'been' just before she leaves the house. Don't take No for an answer.