Hello all,
I have been browsing this forum and have found it really helpful while I have been the main carer for my mother-in-law, who has mixed dementia with Alzheimers, and who came to live with myself and my partner in February 2016.
To be fair, her dementia is sometimes no more difficult to deal with than it was caring for my son when he was a toddler - the emotional aspect of her decline is more distressing than many of the practical issues and I find I have achieved a level of detached stoicism most of the time; my partner, because it his Mum obviously is very much more distressed by the progression and sometimes needs alot of support. Sometimes vodka is our friend. (Not to too much excess obviously).
We live a fairly unconventional lifestyle - my partner has a specialist career and I run an alternative shop which means my mother-in-law comes to work with me and can be safe and comfortable; she has just started going to the Day Centre three days a week so we are very grateful for the opportunity to be able to catch up with the things that are difficult to achieve when there has to be a cup of tea made or guidance to the toilet every 20 - 30 minutes....you guys obviously know how it is....
We live in a shared house with my son, his best friend and the best friends younger brother - they are all in their 20s and I have been involved in helping care for the best friend and younger brother since their early teens when their mother died suddenly of a brain aneurysm and their step-father took refuge in the bottom of a wine bottle before his death about 18 months ago....all very complicated. Another friend also lives in the house, and to be fair, they all help as much as they can to keep an eye on MIL when we have to go out.
My partner and I have been together nearly 7 years, and MIL was diagnosed formally about 2.5 years ago, but the signs were there for about 4. We got together technically on the rebound after his and my marriages failed quite spectacularly (on my side particularly the end was pretty traumatic but this will turn into War and Peace if I try to write the quite frankly unbelievable saga down). Our relationship is very strong however, and I am confident we can weather the storm.
However, life has just thrown us yet another curve ball.
We are both only children, and we have six parents between us - my Mum and his are both single, bother our fathers have new wives. His father and step-mother live some distance away - his father has recently overcome throat cancer but has digestive issues, and his step-mother has depression. My father has splenic lymphoma, a rare blood cancer that has caused him to have his spleen removed - this may be due to the fact that he is a nuclear test veteran in the 50s, and is now involved in the class action against the government trying to get compensation - but that's a whole other ball of wax. He has also had a major heart attack and in the last year has had his fourth stent put in...resulting in a bleed that nearly killed him but fortunately he is rallying and cares for my step-mother - who - wait for it - has paranoid schizo affective disorder and vascular dementia (no, I know, you couldn't make this stuff up). They live locally but have a fairly insular routine so I don't get to see them very often, which I fell pretty guilty about.
Now for the clincher; I have been very lucky that until now my mother, who lives close by fortunately, has been fairly healthy despite "IBS", vagal vasa issues, and arthritis. However, this week she summoned myself and my son to see her, and it turns out that the suspected "oestrogen" issues that she has been tested for are in fact cancer.....terminal cancer. She had a biopsy done on Friday and the results will be available some time this week, but she has already been told that surgery is not an option as it is in the odentum and the lungs already. It sounds as though it may be ovarian cancer as her younger sister passed from that nearly ten tears ago. Basically, it's terminal, and prognosis is anything from a few months to five years depending on chemo etc.....she is being very stoic and robust and my son and I are trying to follow her lead, but to be honest, I feel completely detached from reality and as though I have been hollowed out with a blunt melon baller. Excuse my gallows humour, but if I don't speak about it like this, I may just crawl under my desk and never come out.
Obviously we cannot disclose this to my MIL - no point in distressing her or me by it sticking in her head to the point where we have to have 5 million conversations an hour on the subject.
So I am trying to carry on with business as usual, my partner is trying to be supportive but of course it's another blindside from the universe, especially as there is a higher risk of it being genetic as both mother and aunt have succumbed, and I have now had to promise to go and get tested asap.....although I don't want to know!
I have already been through early menopause and am out the other side at 48, but now I am wondering if this could be related....
So I am plastering a smile on, drinking slightly too much, smoking for England (yes, totally counter-productive but more socially acceptable than running naked and screaming through the streets) and coming here to off load because I couldn't think of anywhere else safe where people will at least understand that my dementia related sweetness and light quota may be a little light for a while.....
Thank you so much for your tolerance....I read about your stories and feel for you all so much....hugs to you all xxx
I have been browsing this forum and have found it really helpful while I have been the main carer for my mother-in-law, who has mixed dementia with Alzheimers, and who came to live with myself and my partner in February 2016.
To be fair, her dementia is sometimes no more difficult to deal with than it was caring for my son when he was a toddler - the emotional aspect of her decline is more distressing than many of the practical issues and I find I have achieved a level of detached stoicism most of the time; my partner, because it his Mum obviously is very much more distressed by the progression and sometimes needs alot of support. Sometimes vodka is our friend. (Not to too much excess obviously).
We live a fairly unconventional lifestyle - my partner has a specialist career and I run an alternative shop which means my mother-in-law comes to work with me and can be safe and comfortable; she has just started going to the Day Centre three days a week so we are very grateful for the opportunity to be able to catch up with the things that are difficult to achieve when there has to be a cup of tea made or guidance to the toilet every 20 - 30 minutes....you guys obviously know how it is....
We live in a shared house with my son, his best friend and the best friends younger brother - they are all in their 20s and I have been involved in helping care for the best friend and younger brother since their early teens when their mother died suddenly of a brain aneurysm and their step-father took refuge in the bottom of a wine bottle before his death about 18 months ago....all very complicated. Another friend also lives in the house, and to be fair, they all help as much as they can to keep an eye on MIL when we have to go out.
My partner and I have been together nearly 7 years, and MIL was diagnosed formally about 2.5 years ago, but the signs were there for about 4. We got together technically on the rebound after his and my marriages failed quite spectacularly (on my side particularly the end was pretty traumatic but this will turn into War and Peace if I try to write the quite frankly unbelievable saga down). Our relationship is very strong however, and I am confident we can weather the storm.
However, life has just thrown us yet another curve ball.
We are both only children, and we have six parents between us - my Mum and his are both single, bother our fathers have new wives. His father and step-mother live some distance away - his father has recently overcome throat cancer but has digestive issues, and his step-mother has depression. My father has splenic lymphoma, a rare blood cancer that has caused him to have his spleen removed - this may be due to the fact that he is a nuclear test veteran in the 50s, and is now involved in the class action against the government trying to get compensation - but that's a whole other ball of wax. He has also had a major heart attack and in the last year has had his fourth stent put in...resulting in a bleed that nearly killed him but fortunately he is rallying and cares for my step-mother - who - wait for it - has paranoid schizo affective disorder and vascular dementia (no, I know, you couldn't make this stuff up). They live locally but have a fairly insular routine so I don't get to see them very often, which I fell pretty guilty about.
Now for the clincher; I have been very lucky that until now my mother, who lives close by fortunately, has been fairly healthy despite "IBS", vagal vasa issues, and arthritis. However, this week she summoned myself and my son to see her, and it turns out that the suspected "oestrogen" issues that she has been tested for are in fact cancer.....terminal cancer. She had a biopsy done on Friday and the results will be available some time this week, but she has already been told that surgery is not an option as it is in the odentum and the lungs already. It sounds as though it may be ovarian cancer as her younger sister passed from that nearly ten tears ago. Basically, it's terminal, and prognosis is anything from a few months to five years depending on chemo etc.....she is being very stoic and robust and my son and I are trying to follow her lead, but to be honest, I feel completely detached from reality and as though I have been hollowed out with a blunt melon baller. Excuse my gallows humour, but if I don't speak about it like this, I may just crawl under my desk and never come out.
Obviously we cannot disclose this to my MIL - no point in distressing her or me by it sticking in her head to the point where we have to have 5 million conversations an hour on the subject.
So I am trying to carry on with business as usual, my partner is trying to be supportive but of course it's another blindside from the universe, especially as there is a higher risk of it being genetic as both mother and aunt have succumbed, and I have now had to promise to go and get tested asap.....although I don't want to know!
I have already been through early menopause and am out the other side at 48, but now I am wondering if this could be related....
So I am plastering a smile on, drinking slightly too much, smoking for England (yes, totally counter-productive but more socially acceptable than running naked and screaming through the streets) and coming here to off load because I couldn't think of anywhere else safe where people will at least understand that my dementia related sweetness and light quota may be a little light for a while.....
Thank you so much for your tolerance....I read about your stories and feel for you all so much....hugs to you all xxx
