My nan is refusing care and needs it. I'm just wondering if anyone has ever lied to the person they care for (my nan) to kind of scare them into listening and accepting care as I don't want it to get to the point she has people at the door worried about her health I just want her to accept the help and she won't
Have you lied?
- Thread starter Natashat
- Start date
I didn't lie to Dad but he was also adamant at the start he didn't want carers. I found it helpful to reword it and say they were coming to help me in the kitchen as I couldn't cope rather than saying they were for Dad. He didn't seem to mind when it was me who needed the help. Even now, when the sitting service come in so I can go out, I just say someone is coming to to help me later.
She said she can do it herself and wants no help. Day 3 of having them and they haven't made made nothing her causeshe wont let them. She's diabetic too
The Doctor arranged it.....
The Consultant ditto....
The Pension's people...ditto
Part of a Senior plan the government is trialling.....
In case you haven't guessed.... I practiced it often.
The Consultant ditto....
The Pension's people...ditto
Part of a Senior plan the government is trialling.....
In case you haven't guessed.... I practiced it often.
The Doctor arranged it.....
The Consultant ditto....
The Pension's people...ditto
Part of a Senior plan the government is trialling.....
In case you haven't guessed.... I practiced it often.
Tried all this. Even the district nurse who visits for insulin each day told her she sent them. She said she doesn't care and doesn't want any strangers cooking for her x
My Mum with Alz, accepted care pretty easily, just by telling her that her family doctor had arranged it.
It was my Dad who has cognitive impairment who objected to any kind of home help.
It wasnt from a perspective that he thought he didnt need help with Mum, and he would do it all, it was just that he didnt want strangers in his home.
Now that Mum is in care, and the house is fast becoming a tip, ( I can only do so much) he refuses to entertain the idea of a cleaner once a week for an hour.
The house needs a thorough clean, and we are having to arrange cleaners in, while my sister takes him to her house for 2 or 3 days.
It was my Dad who has cognitive impairment who objected to any kind of home help.
It wasnt from a perspective that he thought he didnt need help with Mum, and he would do it all, it was just that he didnt want strangers in his home.
Now that Mum is in care, and the house is fast becoming a tip, ( I can only do so much) he refuses to entertain the idea of a cleaner once a week for an hour.
The house needs a thorough clean, and we are having to arrange cleaners in, while my sister takes him to her house for 2 or 3 days.
My husband has had to be extremely firm with my mil....her worst fear is a care home so he told her she has to accept help or she cannot stay where she is...this seemed to do the trick. To an outsider it might sound harsh but there is no alternative if she wants a degree of independence.
The short answer is yes, I lie. I have lied all along, and I continue to lie. To me, it's more important for my mother to not be anxious and upset, than for me to tell the truth. But everyone has to do what works for them and their situation. Best wishes.
That would be my approach too. As I get older my husband will need help to wash and dress and I may also get a cleaner in. I won't even argue but just state the truth ad nauseum - help accepted in the house or go into care.
I do think it is an individual decision.
I lied. I said whatever would cause the least conflict, usually blaming the doctor or saying it was for my benefit.
When I did try to be heavy handed and give my husband an ultimatum, he said he was frightened of me. That was hard to hear knowing how ill he was.
I lied. I said whatever would cause the least conflict, usually blaming the doctor or saying it was for my benefit.
When I did try to be heavy handed and give my husband an ultimatum, he said he was frightened of me. That was hard to hear knowing how ill he was.
I have lied to to my mum. It is a wonder my nose isn't ten foot long!! I had to to reduce my mums anxiety when she went into her care home, not that it has I am afraid but telling her the truth that she would be staying permanently would have caused her so much more distress. I said it was the doctor who had placed her there not me, she has asked repeatedly to be moved somewhere else as she says she will get better in another place but of course she won't. I am at my wits end trying to keep her content with thinking up reasons why she is in care and I could not look after her anymore but nothing I say or do seems to help how she feels. I know it is the illness causing all the frustration and upset for her but it is so hard and I feel so guilty for the lies I have told.
My husband and I lie all the time to my mother in law. Unfortunately it's the only way to keep her calm and less aggressive. There is little point in trying to reason with her or have any explanation or even start a discussion she can't retain any information and simply won't accept our explanations anyway. My husband tells her that he is in charge now and we simply tell her what's going to happen. It soon became apparent that she had difficulty with meal preparation so we organised carers to come in and prepare a hot meal in microwave. She also had difficulty accepting strangers but we have an agency who fortunately sends the same carer all week. Husband told her it was either that or go into care.
We got her hearing aids privately as the nhs ones didn't provide for her particular problems. We organised special ones which considerably improved her hearing and make it much easier for her to use the telephone and be less socially isolated . She would have refused to pay for them so making do in her mind as any expenditure would "not be worth it" .We decided to tell her I would be paying for them which of course she thought was great. We then recuped the money later from her account. This was the only way to get her to use the aids.
She needed to go to the dentist but was convinced she shouldn't have to pay. We had the community dental service visit but they needed their charges paid in advance. I spoke to the dentist before they arrived to prime him not to say about charges as she would have refused treatment. So when the team arrived for the home visit both dentist and I colluded together and told her I only had to sign some paperwork to get it free. The dentist was quite familiar with dealing with dementia patients so didn't think this was unusual.
Of course anyone who doesn't deal with dementia patients on everyday basis may find these sort of things outrageous. But you have to deal with it to understand why you do it . In my mother in law's case it's the only way to get her the treatment and the services that she needs for her illness.
We got her hearing aids privately as the nhs ones didn't provide for her particular problems. We organised special ones which considerably improved her hearing and make it much easier for her to use the telephone and be less socially isolated . She would have refused to pay for them so making do in her mind as any expenditure would "not be worth it" .We decided to tell her I would be paying for them which of course she thought was great. We then recuped the money later from her account. This was the only way to get her to use the aids.
She needed to go to the dentist but was convinced she shouldn't have to pay. We had the community dental service visit but they needed their charges paid in advance. I spoke to the dentist before they arrived to prime him not to say about charges as she would have refused treatment. So when the team arrived for the home visit both dentist and I colluded together and told her I only had to sign some paperwork to get it free. The dentist was quite familiar with dealing with dementia patients so didn't think this was unusual.
Of course anyone who doesn't deal with dementia patients on everyday basis may find these sort of things outrageous. But you have to deal with it to understand why you do it . In my mother in law's case it's the only way to get her the treatment and the services that she needs for her illness.
So many lies. Chiropody in your home is free from the Government if you are over 80 (no it cost £45 per time). The Dr is sending a nurse every day for free to help with your medication (carers). We need to get your front door checked - no we changed it so you couldn't lock it from the back and make it so that it couldn't be opened from the front. Key safe installed - it's for us, in case we are passing and have have forgotten our key.
When in a Home, you are having decorating done in your house and the Dr says the paint fumes will be very bad for you. When it's done you can go home....And so on, all in the name of helping.
When in a Home, you are having decorating done in your house and the Dr says the paint fumes will be very bad for you. When it's done you can go home....And so on, all in the name of helping.
My mum is going to day care for the first time next week and because she used to be a full time warden in an old people's complex we have told her she is going to the day centre to help out with the old people there by talking to them ( she doesn't think she's old at 87!). She also asks where her brother is (been dead for 10 years) and I tell her he's at home and we'll ring him tomorrow. I don't think it's wrong to tell a lie if it's for the right reasons.
