I lost it!

[Sweetsheep]

Yesterday was the straw that finally broke my camels back. And now I feel as if I have started a war in my husband's family.

Yesterday, My husband has been booked off work for stress and depression for a month. It's a long story with basically us caring for his Mum with little or no support from his sister. In fact they met 3 weeks ago.where my husband asked for help. Begged. As it is affecting us so badly.

After he came out the Dr and told me the prognosis. I lost it. And I sent a rather strong email to his sister basically reading her the riot act because she is refusing to help us with emergency respite we both desperately need at the moment.

The email has caused mayhem. And I feel even more guilty that I have caused my husband additional stress and my actions are going to have massive complications down the line.

To start with, I need to arrange some sort of emergency respite care. Who should I call? Can we just go straight to our local care home to get a place or do I contact social services? Not even sure how this works.

Also....I don't regret anything I said in my mail because it was exactly how I felt about the entire situation. We have not had very much support doing this. However, I think I have now probably caused a major rift between my husband and his sister.

I just can't do this anymore. I can't watch my husband fall apart. I just could not keep it in any longer. I just want out of this mess!

I am seriously at the end of my rope.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Sweetsheep

It`s a pity you lost it but this is often what happens when we feel we are stressed to glory and there could be family support.

Do you or your husband have the power of attorney to make decisions for your mother in law?

My sister took no part in my mother`s care and after a few consultations with her drew blanks, I just went ahead and made arrangements for care without even asking her. I let her know when the deeds were done.

Contact Social Services and ask for help.

 

[Beate]

Don't ever try to rely on relatives, it's only going to end in heartbreak. The fact is, you can't force them to care, just like no one can force your husband to care. If your MIL is self-funding you can go ahead and book any respite you like. If she isn't, you need to contact adult social services. You need to tell them that they have duty of care for a vulnerable adult at risk and that it's an emergency as your husband has already suffered carers breakdown as evident by the doctor's note.

 

[canary]

Contact (Adult) Social Services and ask for emergency respite care. Stress that it is an emergency due to your husbands breakdown and dont let them fob you off.

Im sorry that you lost it with his sister, but it happens to the best of us, especially when the pressure gets too much. Your husbands health is the most important thing right now. You can build bridges later.

 

[Bunpoots]

Your sister in law sounds like a thoroughly selfish person and part of me thinks good for you!! And good riddance to bad rubbish and all those other knee-jerk reactions we have when people are being completely unreasonable. However...

I do understand what you're saying. She's family and you're now feeling guilty because you feel you've added to your husbands stress. I've had similar situations in my own family and I believe that anyone who's worth their salt will understand, and if you're very,very lucky may even offer a smidgeon of help. Don't hold your breath though. You said what needed to be said and sometimes a few home truths do make people think about the situation.

All you can do now is wait and see. If she insists on an apology do not apologise for what you said - just for the way you said it.

 

[Risa]

Don't feel guilty sweetsheep, it is very upsetting to see your loved one get so low that a GP needs to be involved. Get the emergency respite and then decide what you and your husband want to do going forward. If caring for your MIL is getting too much, then it's time to look at care homes. Don't worry about what other family members think or say, you and your husband are the ones doing the caring and only the two of you can decide if you have both had enough {{{hugs}}}

 

[Moggymad]

Going through something similar myself at the moment. I feel totally justified in saying what I said, it's been building for years. Only way I can now deal with the fallout from the 'family' is to keep my distance. It's that important to me. As stated above get emergency respite yourselves or through social services. You & hubbie need your own time to heal

 

[Sweetsheep]

Thank you for the replies

Thank you to everyone that replied to my post. It's been 2 weeks post doom email and there have been a lot of tears, anxiety and unpleasantness.

Unfortunately I guess being called out has not had the "we are really sorry" effect. Instead we got back the most horrific reply. We have been accused of benefiting (making a profit was the actual phrase) by looking after my MIL. The truth be told, she does contribute towards our house hold expenses because my husband and I barely made it through on our salaries before she moved in and we certainly could not afford to care for her for free. We had to move out of our coach house into a bigger rented property to look after her. There was no way 5 of us would cope in a 2 bed coach house. I had to also drop my hours at work to be home more and this has had a massive impact on us. When taking her in, we had a family meeting and all of this was agreed upfront. We rented out her flat to put towards the extra costs we would incur.

Then came the accusations of how awful I have been by not asking how their lives have been impacted by all of this. To be honest I have been in such shock since my MIL moved in, I probably haven't thought about how other People might be feeling. I was sort of trying to figure out how the heck I was feeling and how I was going to cope (within days of her arrival I realised she was a lot worse than anyone had realised). In any event no one ever asked me how I was doing and I have been doing most of the caring. My email was about their Mum and how they have completely neglected to help us with it. Their email was a personal attack on me.

So long story short. They think I am the devil's spawn. The worst possible person on the planet. All I wanted was a thank you for taking care of mum and we will have her a bit more to give you guys a break......i guess that is never going to happen.

In light of this, my husband and I after taking everything into consideration have decided to put my MIL into care. There just is no other option. Our marriage is hanging on by a thread. His health his not great. My health is not great. Our kids are miserable. And there is no help coming from the family.

We have cried and lamented and argued and discussed it, and drawn up pros and cons and run through every single scenario. It all comes to the same conclusion. We are at a point where we cannot do any more unless other people help. And they won't. So we need the professionals.

I thought it would make me feel relief. But all its done is made me feel like I have failed her in some way. I have been beating myself up for not being more patient, for not being able to cope. I feel horrible. And to add to it. My SIL hates me even more now that I have said no more!

I have been removed off all the social media sites by his family. I had a good cry this morning and said to my husband I spoke up about how I feel and how they have not supported us through this and I have now been cut off.

My husband sits inbetween this all. His stress levels even higher than before. Me on one side and his family on the other. I really feel as if this whole thing could rip us apart. I want to fix it and I don't know how. Do I sacrifice our marriage and just get on with it. Keep her here with zero support from anyone? Even though I am not coping? I have no idea?

And my MIL? Well she hasn't got a clue that her children are at war over her. No idea. No idea that in 8 weeks time she is being put into a home because we are not coping. No idea that her daughter doesn't phone or can't be bothered to help us with respite. No idea that she even is ill. She is not going to be happy about going into a care home. What else can we do?

This illness is the worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life. It infects everything and everyone!

 

[canary]

Hello again sweetsheep.

You have made a very difficult decision and you have not made it lightly. You have tried every which way to make it work, but cant. Look back over your post - "There just is no other option. Our marriage is hanging on by a thread. His health his not great. My health is not great. Our kids are miserable. And there is no help coming from the family" Your head knows this, but your heart hasnt yet caught up. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Sorry, to shout, but I wanted to say it loudly enough for you to hear. The guilt monster is whispering in your ear; I will lend you the Talking Point Guilt Monster Stick so that you can give it a hefty whack and knock it off your shoulder.

Re your family: I never got any help from mine either, but at least none of them kicked up a fuss when mum moved into her care home. I must say that if they have not helped with the caring at all then they have not earned the right to dictate where she lives - unless they want to take on the job themselves, of course

Once your MIL is in her care home I would strongly recommend that you and your immeadiate family go away on holiday with no phone or reminders of the rest of the family and just recover. This is not selfish; your MIL will be looked after and kept safe and you need time and space. If you or your husband became seriously ill and ended up in hospital she would have to go into a care home and you would not be able to visit anyway.

 

[AlsoConfused]

I couldn't agree more with canary.

Think of yourselves as being in the last quarter of a mile of a marathon. You can barely keep going, the finishing line doesn't seem to be getting any closer (but it is) and everything hurts.

But it will get better soon, you'll be able to attend to the aches and blisters you've picked up en route ... and maybe, with a bit of distance from the current pressures, you'll be able to feel proud of yourselves for the sheer gallantry and loving kindness you've shown towards your MIL.

The other members of the family will also have time to reflect - and may come to feel they've been desperately unfair to you both. It may well take them 6 months or more of reflection but perhaps they may afterwards want to rebuild the bridges and restore relationships ... hope so.

As a family we've been extremely lucky. However this disease has brought us individually the closest we've ever been to being nasty towards each other. It's put pressures on each one of us that we'd never anticipated.

 

[SnowWhite]

Just to let you know you are not alone. Xx

I have heard it so many times in real life, on here and at a dementia support group mum and I attend.

I think it's quite rare for families to share the burden equally. It's just awful and does nobody any good but I guess that's families for you.

Wil your MIL have to fund herself? Have you actually found a care home for her?

 

[Moggymad]

Reading your post I think you know in your heart that what you have decided for your MIL is the best & only option available in the circumstances. What's harder to come to terms with is that the family seem to think what you took on by looking after your MIL was a way to benefit yourselves by moving to a bigger house. Never mind all the stress & pain you have gone through as a family in order to do the best for her. They have not done it, they have no understanding of what it's like. Of course you were submerged in your new life as a carer, ,their role was to support you not expect you to be checking on how they are doing. Sorry Sweetsheep, it is very painful to come to terms with the fact that you're not on the same page as your husbands family, not even in the same chapter. I would say concentrate on doing what you know is right. Look after your own family & let the rest take care of itself. It may resolve in time but try to push it aside & get back to normality. You cared enough to help when no-one else wanted to take on the challenge. Go on holiday get your strength back & keep what's most important close to you. Best wishes.

 

[Ann Mac]

Hi Sweetsheep,

I thought it would make me feel relief. But all its done is made me feel like I have failed her in some way. I have been beating myself up for not being more patient, for not being able to cope. I feel horrible.

I read this, and had to respond. I had my Mil living here with me, my hubby and my my youngest daughter for nearly 3 years, and had supported her in her own home for several years before that. The pressures you describe of caring for someone with dementia in your own home, the impact on yourself and your family, the sacrifices you have to make, the exhaustion and never ending stress and hard work are so, so familiar to me - as are the feelings you are now having because despite all your efforts, you are having to accept that you just can't carry on and that the end solution has to be residential care.

I tend to regard myself as being lucky that my husband is an only child, because from what I've read, so many carers on TP face a similar situation to yourself, with invisibles - close relatives who don't do a damn thing to help, but are quick to critise and give 'advice' about how the carer should be managing. And had I had to deal with that, on top of the 24/7 care, I would have crashed a lot sooner than I did. So for you to have managed to care for ANY length of time, with that added pressure on top of everything else, is nothing less than brilliant - I take my hat off to you, and every other carer who has had to deal with that x

As regards the way you feel now, I totally get it. I'm not going to go into details here, but like you I tried so hard to keep Mil here with us, rather than accept that residential care was the best option for her (and us). And when we had to make the decision that residential care was the only option, for our sake as much as hers, I spent a long time beating myself up over that decision. Common sense told me, as did many of the wonderful people on TP, that it was the only thing we could do, but still the guilt monster had a field day with me. I felt such a failure - despite all my very best efforts, she was was going into a home, the last thing she had wanted, or that we had wanted. For months I would spend hours going over and over in my head what else I could or should have done to make it work, to keep her here. Like you, I felt that I'd let her (and my OH) down.

I totally crashed at this point, not just because of feeling a failure, but because once she had gone, there was no doubt that it was much, much better for me and my family and there was a sense of relief. Guilt over that joined forces with guilt over 'failing her' and guilt because there was also a feeling of absolute resentment that I had wasted 3 years, given up my work, left us strapped financially, turned our home into a flipping fortress, put our marriage under strain and put my daughter through a horribly difficult home life - and all for nothing, because Mil had ended up in a home anyway. It knocked me sideways, and My OH (thankfully) nagged me into going to see my GP, which helped enormously.

So I have a pretty good idea of what you are going through at the moment, as have many others here on TP, and I want to tell you to be kind to yourself and assure you that those feelings will ease - not straight away, maybe, and like me, it may help you to get some support from your GP or similar. I still get the odd time when I find myself thinking that perhaps I could have done this or tried that - but more and more, comon sense steps in now, and deep down I know that I did as much as I possibly could under incredibly difficult circumstances to care for Mil for as long as I could here at home. And I've accepted (more or less) that it was the dementia, NOT 'failure' on my part, that led to the inevitable decision that residential care was now necessary.

As for the in-laws - I agree with everyone else. Forget them, as much as you can, and concentrate on you and your immediate family recovering from what has been an incredibly difficult and stressful time. The rest of your OH's family will either come around - or they won't. And to be honest, I suspect that both you and your OH, as you recover and are able to take a step back and look at all you have been through, will find their opinions and reactions less and less important - because you know how hard you tried, you know how impossibly it can be to 24/7 care - and what they think won't matter.

I hope the transition into residential care goes smoothly for you and your Mil, hun xxxx

 

[Bunpoots]

I have read Ann Mac's "So Bizzare " thread and am amazed at what she had to cope with. I'm quite sure I couldn't. I had my dad stay with me for 2 weeks, some years ago, after he had a knee operation. Never again! So I agree with all Ann says. You have done a difficult job without (asked for) support and you know you have done all you can.

I know what it's like to have a big fall out with family. My (ex ) in laws, or MIL to be specific, fell out with me several times and caused a lot of stress. She's now fallen out with her grandchildren- they were 10 and 12 at the time - so it's been over a decade since we've had contact. I'm divorced now so it's slightly different, but while we were married I just had to let her (MIL) get on with it - knowing she was bad-mouthing me to all and sundry. It made me feel angry and vulnerable and betrayed, but it has passed with time.

So now it's time to put yourself first, so that you and your family have time to recover. Ignore the in laws. They have no idea what they're talking about!

 

[Risa]

Hi sweetsheep

Really sorry to hear that things have deteriorated further with your husband's family I think you can only make the best decision about what is right for you and your family and not worry about what others think. If your SIL is not happy about her Mum being in a care home then she always has the option of caring for her at HER home. You and your husband have done the best job you can do and you are not abandoning your MIL, just transferring her to somewhere where there are more people to meet her increasing needs.

Sending you a {{{{BIG HUG}}}}

 

[Sweetsheep]

2 weeks post losing it

So it's been about 2 weeks post losing it. Or maybe I need to rename my post, "drawing a line in the sand". Some days I feel proud for standing up..some days I am cross with myself for causing more aggravation to an already difficult situation. There has been a lot of talking. All of it without me. My husband going backwards and forwards to smooth everything over.

And what has come from it All?

What feels like an enormous slap in my face. My SIL has suddenly decided we are not to be trusted to be able to visit my MIL once she goes into our care home of our choice?
My SIL has decided that she would much rather have her Mum close to her. To be honest it's probably the best thing for us. At least SIL will then be on the frontline for a change. What I find completely baffling is that she has been absent for 14 months and now is suddenly dictating to me what she thinks is best for her Mum.

I am personally very concerned about the home she is planning on putting her in. We have an absolutely amazing care home set up for her with a dementia unit which is fantastic. Been on the waiting list for a fee months. I had a look at the brochure she sent us for the home she has chosen. It looks dated, depressing and more like an old age facility. And much cheaper than the dementia unit we found. And they have open beds immediately. Why do I feel like this in itself is a red flag? My gut feel isn't great and usually it's pretty spot on. The report online on their website seems very outdated?

But then I think, let them just get on with it, and have a taste of our lives over the last 14 months. Let them deal with it.

Money. Fighting. Accusations. Unhappiness.

And now....all I feel as if I have let my MIL down. I almost feel like I am handing my child over to someone who doesn't have a clue about her and placing her somewhere I would never dare to.

But after the way we have been treated I know after this I won't unfortunately have her back. I cant have her back. Too nuch damage has been done. If it all goes pair shape my SIL needs to take full responsibility for interfering in the plan we had already had in place.

Ultimately we have been treated appallingly. Her mother has been treated appallingly. And at the moment I don't feel like there is any justice in this world. They got away with not helping us when we really needed it. When her Mum needed her. And now it looks like they have come in and saved the day.

I know they say never to be bitter. But it is going to take me a long time to get over this.

And yet.....i still worry so so much about my MIL and feel like if only they had stepped up to the plate previously. I probably could have done this longer.

I a mess. So unhappy.

Dammed if I carry on and dammed if I don't.

Thank you for all the replies.

 

[ferniegirl]

What a horrible situation for you. I am so sorry. But you have been the best daughter-in-law looking after MIL for all that time. It comes to us all that the nature of dementia is that it will just get worse and inevitably all our loved-ones will end up in specialist care - it is just a matter of when.

Your SIL is angry because she probably knows that what you said in your email is true, that she's done b------r all. Her defence at being in the wrong is to get angry and defensive with you and be the victim ("poor me, look what she's accusing me of!") Now she has sprung into action to prove something to you and to make herself feel better.

As you say, she can take over the responsibility now, you have done enough. You need to time for your husband to get better and to re-connect as a family. A lot of us end up going to the docs at the end of our tether. I went on a low-dose anti-depressant when everything kicked off with my parents and it has helped me enormously.

I understand your concerns about the care home but a lot of people on here have said that it is the care that matters, not the look of the home. Hopefully it has been inspected recently and is found to be of a good standard. You could phone them and ask to see their latest CQC report?

Your husband needs to stop exhausting himself by going back and forth to his sister. She is angry and pride and guilt won't let her concede that you may be right. When two people are playing a game of tennis, the ball goes back and forth but in order for the game to end, someone has to put the racquet down and walk off the court. Hubby needs to look after himself and put down his racquet. She will not want to 'hear' him so there is no point trying to get her to 'see'.

Please stop feeling guilty, there is no way you could have had MIL any longer. You are not on this earth to sacrifice your entire life and happiness for someone else. She needs professional care now. I couldn't have had my mum for a day, let alone the time you've done. You will eventually get used to her being in care but it does feel horrible at first. So pat yourself on the back!!!

Sending you strength and a virtual hug (())

X

 

[margherita]

You are not on this earth to sacrifice your entire life and happiness for someone else.

None of us is.
I completely agree, Ferniegirl

 

[DMac]

I'm going to repeat some advice I was given some time ago, when I was deeply involved in caring for both parents-in-law, both with dementia, at the same time. FIL died 17 months ago; MIL went into a care home very shortly after and she's still there, a year later. I've also suffered behind-the-back accusations and various humiliations at the hands of my in-laws.

The advice I was given was this: STEP BACK!

And I have, and as time has passed, I've adjusted to the 'new normal', though some things are different. For example, I keep a safe distance from my in-laws. I will accept invites to social events etc. mainly for OH's benefit, but rarely initiate contact with them. I'm not rude or antisocial, but I'm definitely wary of them.

I'm sorry to hear that your SIL doesn't want you to visit your MIL, but I suspect she will relent on this point over time. SIL will learn the hard way that just because her mum is in a care home, the caring doesn't stop. You may experience a sense of schadenfreude when (WHEN!) she comes to you asking to make friends again and for your support....and she will!

Meanwhile, take care of yourself and your husband. Be there for each other now. xx