I'm so upset I feel sick. We've come to visit my 96 year old father for a few days. I used to visit him monthly but since my husband was diagnosed with dementia the visits have become less and less. I can't leave my husband at home alone so he's come with me but he's been horrible since we got here which is really upsetting my dad. This is only the third time I've seen dad this year - it's a 7 hour trip - and I wanted it to be special. Dad lives alone and he's lonely. Why can't my OH just be nice for once. I know the answer to that but I just feel so torn. I love them both - why does it have to be so hard
Having a torrid time.....
- Thread starter Littlebear
- Start date
Yes - that sounds very torrid...
Hi Littlebear,
I really feel for you caught between caring for your OH and your aged Dad - trying to the best for both of them.
From one your earlier posts I note that you have not got any children, and wonder where you are getting the support we all need? Have you any other family? Maybe they could take the strain of caring for your Dad for the time beginning? Or might you arrange a week of Respite Care for your husband?
I found our local Alzheimer's "Cafe" was a good first start for us - the carers and their charges started off together with a cup of tea and biscuit, then the Carers went off into the next room whilst the others were entertained. It was a really good group to share pain and experiences and to learn about what else went on locally. It was there I heard about an excellent Daycentre run by Age Concern Hampshire, and Sue soon started there for one day each week 9am - 3 pm. The staff were wonderful and took her off my hands on arrival - they are of course trained and expert at distraction and helping people settle down. Sue went for a further day each week after a while - she really enjoyed it, and the staff were also very supportive to me. She attended there for over two years and now she has been in a Care Home for two months - things move on - it is indeed very hard.
If you can find something like that near you do give it a try - call it a "club" perhaps? If he likes his food you could say you have heard there is a wonderful lunch. You could probably stay with him a couple of times - then slip away? I have picked up all sorts of tips on this Forum; finding the right things to say to ease the way a bit does not always come naturally.
Of course, it can be very difficult actually 'letting go" of our loved ones and I have been struggling to come to terms with all that, especially over the Carehome decision... But we all need to do it sooner or later - this cruel disease makes it impossible to cope on your own....
Cyber-hug!
Frank
Hi Littlebear,
I really feel for you caught between caring for your OH and your aged Dad - trying to the best for both of them.
From one your earlier posts I note that you have not got any children, and wonder where you are getting the support we all need? Have you any other family? Maybe they could take the strain of caring for your Dad for the time beginning? Or might you arrange a week of Respite Care for your husband?
I found our local Alzheimer's "Cafe" was a good first start for us - the carers and their charges started off together with a cup of tea and biscuit, then the Carers went off into the next room whilst the others were entertained. It was a really good group to share pain and experiences and to learn about what else went on locally. It was there I heard about an excellent Daycentre run by Age Concern Hampshire, and Sue soon started there for one day each week 9am - 3 pm. The staff were wonderful and took her off my hands on arrival - they are of course trained and expert at distraction and helping people settle down. Sue went for a further day each week after a while - she really enjoyed it, and the staff were also very supportive to me. She attended there for over two years and now she has been in a Care Home for two months - things move on - it is indeed very hard.
If you can find something like that near you do give it a try - call it a "club" perhaps? If he likes his food you could say you have heard there is a wonderful lunch. You could probably stay with him a couple of times - then slip away? I have picked up all sorts of tips on this Forum; finding the right things to say to ease the way a bit does not always come naturally.
Of course, it can be very difficult actually 'letting go" of our loved ones and I have been struggling to come to terms with all that, especially over the Carehome decision... But we all need to do it sooner or later - this cruel disease makes it impossible to cope on your own....
Cyber-hug!
Frank
Oh I'm so sorry for your situation I can only share my thoughts with you.
Until my dad passed away last December i was in the same situation i was nearby to dad and he needed help i also had to take my hubby with me.
It was my dad who was cruel to my hubby his lack of understanding and the way he felt was upsetting .
Many a time i would make a comment to dad but he just looked ,old and Ill. My hubby used to hang his head so hard for you i know .Doing your best will leave you with a calm feeling you can't sort it just smile your way through it .xx
Until my dad passed away last December i was in the same situation i was nearby to dad and he needed help i also had to take my hubby with me.
It was my dad who was cruel to my hubby his lack of understanding and the way he felt was upsetting .
Many a time i would make a comment to dad but he just looked ,old and Ill. My hubby used to hang his head so hard for you i know .Doing your best will leave you with a calm feeling you can't sort it just smile your way through it .xx
Hi Littlebear:
That sounds awful. I'm sure you want to spend some time with your dad for awhile and I'm sure he appreciates your company. Next time can't you hire a carer for your husband or arrange respite for him for a few days while you can spend time with your dad. It might upset your husband to be away from you and I'm sure it will be a worry for you as well however this situation sounds very stressful to you. It's unfortunate your dad is so many hours away.
I'm sorry to hear your dad passed away. I'm lucky in that my dad is very understanding of what I'm going through as he cared for my stepmother who had Alzheimer's until she passed away 4 years ago. He's very good with my OH & very fond of him - what upsets dad is when my husband is angry & aggressive with me. He doesn't say anything but I know it upsets him. He still wants to protect his 'little girl'. All I want is some quality time with dad, we've always been close. As it is I'm spending all my time trying to keep my OH calm.
Dad's talking about moving much closer to us. Meanwhile my sister visits him regularly - she's slightly closer - about 4 hours away. Dad moved when he remarried so my step mum could be nearer her family & there's nothing to keep him there now but at 96 moving is a big deal so I'm not sure he'll get round to doing it. I hope he does because I think I'm as lonely as he is much of the time & it would be lovely to have him close. Most of the time I'm fine but sometimes it all gets to much. I know I'm not alone in that.
Dad's talking about moving much closer to us. Meanwhile my sister visits him regularly - she's slightly closer - about 4 hours away. Dad moved when he remarried so my step mum could be nearer her family & there's nothing to keep him there now but at 96 moving is a big deal so I'm not sure he'll get round to doing it. I hope he does because I think I'm as lonely as he is much of the time & it would be lovely to have him close. Most of the time I'm fine but sometimes it all gets to much. I know I'm not alone in that.
It's been a grim few days. I finally got some respite when I sat my OH down in front of the rugby - he lasted half a match - but it did give me time to sit down & talk to my dad. He was incredibly understanding having been through the Alzheimer's Journey with my step mum. He's told me it's best if we don't come to visit him again as it's too distressing for my OH & that is where my responsibilities must lie. Dad's going to try and get down to visit us but I have no idea how - it's too far for him to drive & he's too disabled to travel by public transport. I'm so upset - I know he's probably right - the last few days have been truely awful but I can't help thinking that I might never see my dad again. It's making me cry just thinking about it. I can't see that I can leave my OH with a carer - who'll be prepared to stay with someone who gets so angry & violent? I would worry that he would get terribly distressed or would get mistreated by those meant to be looking after him. All too awful to contemplate. I just feel so helpless.
Hi Littlebear, wanted to say what a really lovely man your dad sounds & what a terrible dilemma you face. I hope you can find a way to keep seeing your dad. Perhaps between you & your sister you can get things speeded up if a move closer to you is what's decided. Is there a place your dad could stay that is a mid way point between you & your sister, assuming of course your sister is nearer to you than your dad is. It wouldn't be so far to travel then. It may be that your husband could cope better if he didn't stay away from home & could be back the same day. I just hope between you you can find a way X