Or "he seems okay" after spending 10 minutes with him!! Then I start thinking about what I would like them to say and mostly it is nothing to do with dementia but a normal conversation about normal things, like family news, or knitting or gardening or something but not always dementia. Oh dear sorry
Compassionate Communication ... For Carers
- Thread starter Early Girlie
- Start date
You do too much for your Mum. You're making her lazy if you keep doing everything for her and she will never get back to doing things for herself!!
Why don't you work anymore/go out/still do your hobbies? She can't expect you to be with her all the time!!
She seems alright to me. Why do you keep saying she's got dementia?
Why don't you work anymore/go out/still do your hobbies? She can't expect you to be with her all the time!!
She seems alright to me. Why do you keep saying she's got dementia?
Good point - I have people saying that to me all the time, plus saying that they will do anything to help - never seem to be available though!!
This comment actually came from a counsellor:
'You might actually be a better carer for your husband if you allowed him to be a bit more independent and you do some things you enjoy.'
OH is mobile, continent, can prepare food for himself, still showers, and goes off happily to play bridge regularly.
I don't think this counsellor knows much about dementia.
'You might actually be a better carer for your husband if you allowed him to be a bit more independent and you do some things you enjoy.'
OH is mobile, continent, can prepare food for himself, still showers, and goes off happily to play bridge regularly.
I don't think this counsellor knows much about dementia.
Isn't it interesting that we have already collectively compiled quite a long list of what not to say but not many suggestions of what to say instead.
How about...
What can I do to help?
(And meaning it)
How about...
What can I do to help?
(And meaning it)
This thread has already provided me with so much entertainment and made me laugh out loud. i've not done that in a long while. . Yes we all recognise even 'black humour' is welcome when stressed.
But one of my favourites
Thank you for reminding me that I vowed to try to live with a similar attitued, but it's been sadly lacking for a long while.
But one of my favourites
is very similar to what is one of my aunt's whole approach to life.
Thank you for reminding me that I vowed to try to live with a similar attitued, but it's been sadly lacking for a long while.
Wiw, everyone, what a fantastic list! I love it! Please keep the comments coming, ideally with any suggestions as to what people could consider saying instead. I'm away for a few days (in Jersey, with Hubby, who grew up here, so isn't 'lost' at all, celebrating our tenth anniversary). When we get back next week, I'll collate it all and share.
Now, off you all go and make time for yourselves, get off your lazy ar5es and count yourselves lucky. Your partners all like fine to me, I've no idea why you're making so much fuss!
EG
Now, off you all go and make time for yourselves, get off your lazy ar5es and count yourselves lucky. Your partners all like fine to me, I've no idea why you're making so much fuss!
EG
I miss conversation
I totally agree with you all...i get so hurt when family drop by for 10 minutes, then cry tiredness from a day at work, and leave. I can go days without a meaningful conversation. So their visits are treasured as an opportunity to hear about what's going on, their opinions on world events and just a compassionate chat. As a naturally social person I find the non-existent conversation agonising. I get depressed and anxious and now have to take medication which I shouldn't need. Life becomes hopeless and pointless. Dementia agencies only seem to offer help for the sufferer, and I resent the way it is taken for granted that we will give up our lives to care. As I am over 60 I don't even get any allowance although my OH does. If only families and friends would realise what an isolated and lonley existence caring is.
I totally agree with you all...i get so hurt when family drop by for 10 minutes, then cry tiredness from a day at work, and leave. I can go days without a meaningful conversation. So their visits are treasured as an opportunity to hear about what's going on, their opinions on world events and just a compassionate chat. As a naturally social person I find the non-existent conversation agonising. I get depressed and anxious and now have to take medication which I shouldn't need. Life becomes hopeless and pointless. Dementia agencies only seem to offer help for the sufferer, and I resent the way it is taken for granted that we will give up our lives to care. As I am over 60 I don't even get any allowance although my OH does. If only families and friends would realise what an isolated and lonley existence caring is.
Funny how little moments when someone notices how tired you are makes a big difference. At yoga my instructor came over one night when I was not really fit to take much of a part, to apologise for neglected me . I almost cried as it was the first time anyone had said anything nice or helpful for a week.
She knows I am a carer and if I look tired always says to listen to my body and rest. A rare and precious friend.
She knows I am a carer and if I look tired always says to listen to my body and rest. A rare and precious friend.
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I hadn't thought about that until you mentioned it. I'm not a social type so haven't been phased too much by the fact that my OH can't hold the type of conversations we used to have. I see how a person like yourself would feel as I can see the isolation that dementia can bring. I hope things improve for you.
This. When it's actually become acceptable to medicate carers so that they will go on, rather than providing the help and support they need. Isn't this just as much using a "chemical cosh" on Carers, to keep them quietly carrying on bearing an impossible burden and doing an impossible job, without adequate support?
This made me laugh out loud. I love this thread.
When I say that I have taken early retirement to look after mum (now died) and my OH Ive lost count of the number of times the response is "Oh, so youre a lady of leisure then?"
I smile sweetly and say *I wish!", but really I'd like to take a baseball bat and swipe them round the head
I love this thread
Canary I totally agree with you but I'm glad I do not own a baseball bat - not sure I could resist the temptation to use it.
Lilac
Canary I totally agree with you but I'm glad I do not own a baseball bat - not sure I could resist the temptation to use it.
Lilac
Lady A I agree with you about the chemical cosh. Been asked again again do I think I would be better with anti depressants. The answer is always no because the cause of my depression is still there and anti D's aren't going to change that. The last few days have been long and hard and no wonder the wine is already open. It doesn't help anymore than anti D's but tomorrow I will still be able to function
Lady A I agree with you about the chemical cosh. I keep being asked if I think I need anti depressants. The answer is always know because it doesn't change the root cause. It's been a long hard week so no wonder the wine is already open. It won't change the cause anymore than the anti D's but at least tomorrow I can still function
This made me laugh out loud. I love this thread.
When I say that I have taken early retirement to look after mum (now died) and my OH Ive lost count of the number of times the response is "Oh, so youre a lady of leisure then?"
I smile sweetly and say *I wish!", but really I'd like to take a baseball bat and swipe them round the head
Oh, Canary...this happens to me too!! I originally stopped when OH had cancer, then we had about 18 months after that before dementia reared its ugly head. But the number of people who envy me for retiring early! To be fair, if you think about it...we have got it easy
More things not to say
- "S/he only has slight dementia" (yeah, right, just like being slightly pregnant )
- "Couldn't you just: take her to the dentist/ stay with her whilst the cleaners are there/ phone up about the hospital appointment/etc. etc. (I hate that weasel word 'just'!)
- "I wouldn't do that for my own parents, let alone my in-laws" (let's hope your folks don't get dementia at the same time then, love)
- "I would do it but I'm busy/ working that day/ taking my dog for a shampoo & set (yeah, we've heard all the excuses)
- "Oh, I didn't realise the call/ text was from YOU" (So much for your offer to 'call me any time', then )
- "S/he only has slight dementia" (yeah, right, just like being slightly pregnant
) - "Couldn't you just: take her to the dentist/ stay with her whilst the cleaners are there/ phone up about the hospital appointment/etc. etc. (I hate that weasel word 'just'!)
- "I wouldn't do that for my own parents, let alone my in-laws" (let's hope your folks don't get dementia at the same time then, love
)- "I would do it but I'm busy/ working that day/ taking my dog for a shampoo & set (yeah, we've heard all the excuses)
- "Oh, I didn't realise the call/ text was from YOU" (So much for your offer to 'call me any time', then
)Ok, for things people COULD say to Carers, that would be greatly appreciated:
1. I'm going to the shops. Do you need anything?
2. Would it be ok if i dropped by for dinner, and I will bring the meal with me? (Whether a home cooked meal or a take away, having company for dinner was always An Occasion for Best Behaviour!).
3. Would it be ok if I took____ out for coffee/lunch/a quick trip to the shops/library?
4. I'm doing a pile of ironing. Do you have any that needs doing?
1. I'm going to the shops. Do you need anything?
2. Would it be ok if i dropped by for dinner, and I will bring the meal with me? (Whether a home cooked meal or a take away, having company for dinner was always An Occasion for Best Behaviour!).
3. Would it be ok if I took____ out for coffee/lunch/a quick trip to the shops/library?
4. I'm doing a pile of ironing. Do you have any that needs doing?
