I am a lone child, work full time. We lost my father last year and I think that his death accelerated the dementia. I feel overwhelmed. I have an emotionally absent husband and two children 14 and 11. What should my priorities be please? Any help would be appreciated!
Mum diagnosed today with dementia
- Thread starter Only1
- Start date
Hello, Only1. Welcome to Talking Point...and sorry you need to be here. Remember everything always looks worse at night...tho you have had a hard time, with losing your dad so recently too. As for priorities...there is no 'right' answer, because dementia varies so much. But there are good sources of support. Admiral Nurses are there to support carers....have a look at their website. In my county (Kent) Age UK are a good source of support and offer dementia cafes, clubs and day care. Try and get some sleep now, and do a bit of research tomorrow. Depending on your mum's (and your) needs, there is help available. You will find this site invaluable too. Others much more knowledgable ( and more awake!) than me will reply to your post too.
Hi Only1
So so sorry you are here. As Amythyst has said there are so many wise, compassionate people here who genuinely want to help and support you. I've learnt so much and realised it's ok to be sad or cross about the situation we find ourselves in.
I've also learnt staying up late really doesn't help.
I have immersed myself into anything that is available so I can learn, make Mums and my life easier. The mental health community nurse has introduced the society support worker, admiral nurse, a carer charity who helps with admin for any benefits etc, sorted introduction to day centre, the list goes on, if it doesn't come to you make the first move ask and you can receive. I've found with others helping it gives you time to come to terms with the situation, I'm heartbroken nevertheless we move forward
The website give so much info equally can make life easier.
I'm blessed (well sometimes )I have my Dad too, I tell him he's more of a problem 80 acting 21!
I describe the situation as the road our life was traveling on has closed and we have taken another with many bumps and potholes,we can look out for them / avoid them by using the resources around us. We don't know what speed the car is going to go and when it will change gear or speed, however where we can we'll pick up some wonderful passengers who care and drop of those that don't want to ride with us.
You are welcome to our car anytime, we may invest in a coach
Take care, have a good day, we're going shopping, wish us luck Mum asked Dad to come he'll be bored in 10 minutes. We'll aim to have a laugh and lunch out to make it a pleasant afternoon for Mum. They celebrated 55 years marriage yesterday, we're out again tomorrow for lunch with a wonderful friend of mine, fingers crossed for decent weather, meant to be a hot air ballon event.
Thinking of all today. X
So so sorry you are here. As Amythyst has said there are so many wise, compassionate people here who genuinely want to help and support you. I've learnt so much and realised it's ok to be sad or cross about the situation we find ourselves in.
I've also learnt staying up late really doesn't help.
I have immersed myself into anything that is available so I can learn, make Mums and my life easier. The mental health community nurse has introduced the society support worker, admiral nurse, a carer charity who helps with admin for any benefits etc, sorted introduction to day centre, the list goes on, if it doesn't come to you make the first move ask and you can receive. I've found with others helping it gives you time to come to terms with the situation, I'm heartbroken nevertheless we move forward
The website give so much info equally can make life easier.
I'm blessed (well sometimes )I have my Dad too, I tell him he's more of a problem 80 acting 21!
I describe the situation as the road our life was traveling on has closed and we have taken another with many bumps and potholes,we can look out for them / avoid them by using the resources around us. We don't know what speed the car is going to go and when it will change gear or speed, however where we can we'll pick up some wonderful passengers who care and drop of those that don't want to ride with us.
You are welcome to our car anytime, we may invest in a coach
Take care, have a good day, we're going shopping, wish us luck Mum asked Dad to come he'll be bored in 10 minutes. We'll aim to have a laugh and lunch out to make it a pleasant afternoon for Mum. They celebrated 55 years marriage yesterday, we're out again tomorrow for lunch with a wonderful friend of mine, fingers crossed for decent weather, meant to be a hot air ballon event.
Thinking of all today. X
Hi there. You have come to the right place, I found it a godsend when I stumbled across this forum.
first thing is to look at what mums needs are and if she is still relatively independent. Link with your local Alzheimers group, they came out to see Mum and tell us what they do in the area.
If mum needs a bit of help, you can ask for a social care assessment from your council, even if mum has savings.
its tough, i've spent many a night away or tearful just watching mum decline. But if diagnosed early, people can live well for years. My mum was late diagnosed I think, and as she had already lost motivation to do anything her decline has been quite rapid. But it does vary a lot.
Then you might want to look at getting attendance allowance, but you can get help filling the forms in.
If you are main carer see your own gp about carer support for yourself too.
come back and post along the way.lots of lovely people here.
first thing is to look at what mums needs are and if she is still relatively independent. Link with your local Alzheimers group, they came out to see Mum and tell us what they do in the area.
If mum needs a bit of help, you can ask for a social care assessment from your council, even if mum has savings.
its tough, i've spent many a night away or tearful just watching mum decline. But if diagnosed early, people can live well for years. My mum was late diagnosed I think, and as she had already lost motivation to do anything her decline has been quite rapid. But it does vary a lot.
Then you might want to look at getting attendance allowance, but you can get help filling the forms in.
If you are main carer see your own gp about carer support for yourself too.
come back and post along the way.lots of lovely people here.
I understand how you feel the diagnose of dementia is shocking and scary, I'm an only child as well , I know how you feel,I wish I had a brother or sister to discuss things with or even argue with, here I found help and emotional support in my darkest moments, sometimes it's just too much, not sure where your priorities are, it's a difficult time and you don't know if your priorities are your partner or your children or your mum, think what your mum would like you to do if she was ok , and there are some support charities in the UK as other mentioned
Hi Only1
I would say that your first priority is to put Power of Attorney in place. My mother's GP suggested this to me before Mum was even diagnosed and I am eternally grateful as it has made life so much easier as Mum's illness has progressed.
You don't need to pay a solicitor - the forms can be downloaded online, printed out and filled in. You just need to go through them meticulously and make sure you have followed all the guidance notes. There are two forms of POA - Health and Welfare and Financial. They both need to be completed.
Once they are in place, you will be able to manage your mother's finances, make medical decisions for her, if / when necessary, and organisations such as hospitals and banks will accept your authority without quibble once they have seen the forms.
If your mother is worried (as mine was) about 'signing away her life', you can tell her that you won't be allowed to do anything as her attorney unless she is incapable of making that decision herself. My mother had been in hospital for several months about a year prior to us completing the forms, and I was able to remind her that I hadn't been able to pay her Council tax for her, which had worried her at the time. I told her that, if the forms had been in place, I could have gone into her bank and sorted it out for her, and that reassured her. It also helped that it was her GP who suggested it.
Good luck with the journey you are embarking on. I'm sorry you had to find your way to TP, but there are the most amazing people on this forum, and their help and support is invaluable. Keep posting!
Hugs
Jo xx
I would say that your first priority is to put Power of Attorney in place. My mother's GP suggested this to me before Mum was even diagnosed and I am eternally grateful as it has made life so much easier as Mum's illness has progressed.
You don't need to pay a solicitor - the forms can be downloaded online, printed out and filled in. You just need to go through them meticulously and make sure you have followed all the guidance notes. There are two forms of POA - Health and Welfare and Financial. They both need to be completed.
Once they are in place, you will be able to manage your mother's finances, make medical decisions for her, if / when necessary, and organisations such as hospitals and banks will accept your authority without quibble once they have seen the forms.
If your mother is worried (as mine was) about 'signing away her life', you can tell her that you won't be allowed to do anything as her attorney unless she is incapable of making that decision herself. My mother had been in hospital for several months about a year prior to us completing the forms, and I was able to remind her that I hadn't been able to pay her Council tax for her, which had worried her at the time. I told her that, if the forms had been in place, I could have gone into her bank and sorted it out for her, and that reassured her. It also helped that it was her GP who suggested it.
Good luck with the journey you are embarking on. I'm sorry you had to find your way to TP, but there are the most amazing people on this forum, and their help and support is invaluable. Keep posting!
Hugs
Jo xx
Hi Only1,
I too am an only child, looking after mum since my lovely dad died in 2014.
It's tough doing it on your own BUT we can make decisions without interference.
Nobody can disagree. Nobody can say we are wrong. We don't have to fight siblings.
Getting POA really is a priority!
You are welcome to PM me xxx
I too am an only child, looking after mum since my lovely dad died in 2014.
It's tough doing it on your own BUT we can make decisions without interference.
Nobody can disagree. Nobody can say we are wrong. We don't have to fight siblings.
Getting POA really is a priority!
You are welcome to PM me xxx
I totally agree with this. One sibling in our family has caused immense concern and worry to my Mum since she was diagnosed. I will never forgive him for that.
I have a friend who has just lost her Dad to Alzheimer's and she is an only child and she said for once she was grateful for that as she could just make decisions without consulting anybody else.
When Mum was diagnosed We were advised to sort out POA asap and we did and I am truly glad that we did that then as without it we would have been really stuck.
Thank you so much for all your comments. I already feel blessed to have found you all. Some good suggestions already. A steep learning curve to come I think. I will continue to as questions here and hopefully help others as time moves on. Thank you once again.
