I went to visit mum & dad today. Both are in a care facility. Mum with alzheimers...dad with frontal lobe dementia. I enjoy the visits, love to see them light up when I arrive. Each visit is dependent on what my state of grief is with this disease. Today I was very depressed, to the point I was concerned about my own state of mind. Every day, time is spent recalling something my mother has advised, or dads jokes. A counsellor advised me to let go of the grief! LET GO!!!!! How can you when it is a constant cycle and it effects everything else in your life. One of mums dearest friends passed away two weeks ago, of alzheimers. When mum heard she had alz., she told me to euthanise her if she ever contracted the horrid disease. By the time mum was diagnosed, she had no understanding of what alzheimers was. I am in a bad mind state at the moment, but know it will pass untill the next decline in one of their conditions. All of their closest friends don't visit anymore because it is too distressing. GREAT! Looks like its just me myself and I, and you the reader!
Depressed again!!!!!!
- Thread starter Kandi
- Start date
Hiya Kandi,
Sorry you are having a bad day. 'Let go of the grief'....interesting one....i used to find myself refusing to grieve, as if grieving was a betrayal of my mum who was still there, although changed.
All you can do is take one day at a time...treasure any good moments....try and not think too much about the bad, or what was, or what could have been.
Take care. Hope tomorrow feels a little better.
Love Helen
Sorry you are having a bad day. 'Let go of the grief'....interesting one....i used to find myself refusing to grieve, as if grieving was a betrayal of my mum who was still there, although changed.
All you can do is take one day at a time...treasure any good moments....try and not think too much about the bad, or what was, or what could have been.
Take care. Hope tomorrow feels a little better.
Love Helen
Dear Kandi,
Know just how you feel because I went to visit my Mum yesterday. She is in such a lovely place where they try so hard, but she is such a tortured soul, is very frightened and I come away just feeling life is so unfair to her. Nobody else really visits, I can tell they just don't want to see her like that. This is a very lonely business, thank goodness for TP friends.
Know just how you feel because I went to visit my Mum yesterday. She is in such a lovely place where they try so hard, but she is such a tortured soul, is very frightened and I come away just feeling life is so unfair to her. Nobody else really visits, I can tell they just don't want to see her like that. This is a very lonely business, thank goodness for TP friends.
Hi Kandi,
Yes, what can I say. I had a lovely visit with Mum at weekend but lets face it she is miserable (as she was at home. My father needs care and I keep hoping he will be happier (not much chance of that as he has never ever been happy). I had such a pange of jealousy as I have no memories of having a laugh with him and at least if he was in care I might worry less although still have the guilt.
I try not to think about it as much as possible and try to get on with the rest of my life because I do not want my kids looking back and not remembering me ever laughing and this has gone on for so many years it has been most of their lives and one is in his early 20's.
Please try not to let this rob you of your life. Surely most parents would not want that for their children.
And thanks for posting because at least I know other people feel like this and that helps.
Doing what I can. Thats all you can do.
Take care
Yes, what can I say. I had a lovely visit with Mum at weekend but lets face it she is miserable (as she was at home. My father needs care and I keep hoping he will be happier (not much chance of that as he has never ever been happy). I had such a pange of jealousy as I have no memories of having a laugh with him and at least if he was in care I might worry less although still have the guilt.
I try not to think about it as much as possible and try to get on with the rest of my life because I do not want my kids looking back and not remembering me ever laughing and this has gone on for so many years it has been most of their lives and one is in his early 20's.
Please try not to let this rob you of your life. Surely most parents would not want that for their children.
And thanks for posting because at least I know other people feel like this and that helps.
Doing what I can. Thats all you can do.
Take care
Heya Kandi,
Sorry to hear that things are so tough. I know how it feels to constantly remember the past, Dad has a very bad habit of popping up in my mind at very odd moments, so many things trigger memories, and those memories hurt too, he even haunts me in my sleep so there is no escape. I also know very well that weird world where you both love to visit but the visit itself knocks you down. I know that feeling of trying to ignore the whiney voice inside that says "Why is this happening to me, why is this happening to them, its not fair!", telling myself that I need to get over it, stop being such a cry baby (bit like your counsellor
) and just be a grown up and go visit.
Sounds like you need a new counsellor, you can't let go of the grief because the situation that causes it doesn't go away...well technically you can get over the grief but that would involve shutting down a side of yourself, that you are too good a person to do, that would mean, not visiting, that would mean walking away and you're such a good soul that you won't do that, not unless it gets to a point that you mind just won't let you go visit (and that can happen too, near the end of Dad's stay in the home my visiting regime dropped off, I found that my brain would literally block the thought of visiting from my conscious mind and seriously if it wasn't for the fact that I had to drive past Dad's home to get home each day I suspect my brain would have won - my subconsious had obviously decided I couldn't physically/mentally take it anymore). So girl don't beat yourself up for feeling miserable, you're fighting a very tough fight and you know what? You haven't let your mum down, she made those comments when she was well, I've often said the same thing when I've worried about getting dementia, but I have a very strong feeling that if I did get it, I wouldn't be wanting someone to put a pillow over my head, especially not my daughter that I love so much, especially when I brought that daughter up to be such a kind caring person. Instead I'd fight alongside of her so I could enjoy those visits at least and try to bring her some happiness, even if my mind made that impossible. Your mum if she were well would be wanting to make you happy and she brought you up to be a fighter so I am guessing she's a fighter too, no matter what flippant comments she made when she was well.
So Kandi ignore what the cousellor said, counsellors can be both good and bad (just like accountants, just like teachers), this one is obviously **** at their job, or needs to be enlightened. Perhaps you could go to them or find another one and tell them, that letting go of the grief is not an option at this point for you and what you need is someone to just help you through the grief, someone you can go to and just let the grief out to. I'll be forever thankful for the psychologist I saw who just told me, that my father was dying and I had to accept that that would make me sad, and that it would keep on making me sad until the day I had to let him go, and that it would still make me sad then...but that it wouldnt be until then that I would be able to start to let go of the grief.
I too thought I might be losing it some days and I think that comes about because your own mind is trying to protect you but your heart and morals are refusing to let you give in, so yes your own mind is trying to knock you down to save itself (does that make any sense?) Instinct is saying get out of there, but humanity is keeping you there.
Dad originally said when we asked him (when he was still sane) when would it be okay to put him in a home, that we would know when it was time. It seems to me that you are at breaking point so you have to know that maybe for you it is time. If you can't do this anymore that is okay, because Kandi wouldn't be giving up unless Kandi just physically and mentally couldn't do this anymore. I think its time at least that you gave yourself a break. Don't freak out, I'm not saying you shouldn't visit (although if that is an option for a little while then do that to)what I meant was that it is time not be so harsh on yourself.
You are coping with my worst nightmare, to have two parents with dementia, you should be awarded with a medal for all that you have done already. You are a fantastic person. And although this is very bad right now, you will get through it, these days will pass, just hold take a deep breath and focus on the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dim it seems, and take another step.
I'm sending you hugs, all my best wishes, and love to you.
Sorry to hear that things are so tough. I know how it feels to constantly remember the past, Dad has a very bad habit of popping up in my mind at very odd moments, so many things trigger memories, and those memories hurt too, he even haunts me in my sleep so there is no escape. I also know very well that weird world where you both love to visit but the visit itself knocks you down. I know that feeling of trying to ignore the whiney voice inside that says "Why is this happening to me, why is this happening to them, its not fair!", telling myself that I need to get over it, stop being such a cry baby (bit like your counsellor
) and just be a grown up and go visit. Sounds like you need a new counsellor, you can't let go of the grief because the situation that causes it doesn't go away...well technically you can get over the grief but that would involve shutting down a side of yourself, that you are too good a person to do, that would mean, not visiting, that would mean walking away and you're such a good soul that you won't do that, not unless it gets to a point that you mind just won't let you go visit (and that can happen too, near the end of Dad's stay in the home my visiting regime dropped off, I found that my brain would literally block the thought of visiting from my conscious mind and seriously if it wasn't for the fact that I had to drive past Dad's home to get home each day I suspect my brain would have won - my subconsious had obviously decided I couldn't physically/mentally take it anymore). So girl don't beat yourself up for feeling miserable, you're fighting a very tough fight and you know what? You haven't let your mum down, she made those comments when she was well, I've often said the same thing when I've worried about getting dementia, but I have a very strong feeling that if I did get it, I wouldn't be wanting someone to put a pillow over my head, especially not my daughter that I love so much, especially when I brought that daughter up to be such a kind caring person. Instead I'd fight alongside of her so I could enjoy those visits at least and try to bring her some happiness, even if my mind made that impossible. Your mum if she were well would be wanting to make you happy and she brought you up to be a fighter so I am guessing she's a fighter too, no matter what flippant comments she made when she was well.
So Kandi ignore what the cousellor said, counsellors can be both good and bad (just like accountants, just like teachers
), this one is obviously **** at their job, or needs to be enlightened. Perhaps you could go to them or find another one and tell them, that letting go of the grief is not an option at this point for you and what you need is someone to just help you through the grief, someone you can go to and just let the grief out to. I'll be forever thankful for the psychologist I saw who just told me, that my father was dying and I had to accept that that would make me sad, and that it would keep on making me sad until the day I had to let him go, and that it would still make me sad then...but that it wouldnt be until then that I would be able to start to let go of the grief.I too thought I might be losing it some days and I think that comes about because your own mind is trying to protect you but your heart and morals are refusing to let you give in, so yes your own mind is trying to knock you down to save itself (does that make any sense?) Instinct is saying get out of there, but humanity is keeping you there.
Dad originally said when we asked him (when he was still sane) when would it be okay to put him in a home, that we would know when it was time. It seems to me that you are at breaking point so you have to know that maybe for you it is time. If you can't do this anymore that is okay, because Kandi wouldn't be giving up unless Kandi just physically and mentally couldn't do this anymore. I think its time at least that you gave yourself a break. Don't freak out, I'm not saying you shouldn't visit (although if that is an option for a little while then do that to)what I meant was that it is time not be so harsh on yourself.
You are coping with my worst nightmare, to have two parents with dementia, you should be awarded with a medal for all that you have done already. You are a fantastic person. And although this is very bad right now, you will get through it, these days will pass, just hold take a deep breath and focus on the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dim it seems, and take another step.
I'm sending you hugs, all my best wishes, and love to you.
Hi,Kandi, fraid it it just you. I have n e./.
I ca't even send the blooody email!]
Stick in there pal
Margaret
I ca't even send the blooody email!]
Stick in there pal
Margaret
Me, myself and I, and you the reader
Well, there are lot's of reader's.
I am one, and Ron is two and so on.
So, on your next visit, take us all with you
Love Barb & Ron XX
Well, there are lot's of reader's.
I am one, and Ron is two and so on.
So, on your next visit, take us all with you
Love Barb & Ron XX
Dear Kandi
I really sympathise, its so hard to get through the 'grief' and you have it two times over. I have found counsellors to be most unhelpful in the past, as they could never really comprehend the utter reality of looking after a parent who has lifelong psychiatric disorder and dementia. I have been to hell and back with my own mental health issues; depression and anxiety are part and parcel of our and my life experience. This is the reality of caring. I think what has helped me over the years is to accept these feelings(they are normal reactions to abnormal levels of stress) and dont dwell on them ,they will come back again and again, but get distracted with other things. Life goes on. Christine was right in her post about not letting her children see her upset all the time and not seeing her laugh. These sentiments are so true, they have helped me too, thanks Christine.
take care
hendy
I really sympathise, its so hard to get through the 'grief' and you have it two times over. I have found counsellors to be most unhelpful in the past, as they could never really comprehend the utter reality of looking after a parent who has lifelong psychiatric disorder and dementia. I have been to hell and back with my own mental health issues; depression and anxiety are part and parcel of our and my life experience. This is the reality of caring. I think what has helped me over the years is to accept these feelings(they are normal reactions to abnormal levels of stress) and dont dwell on them ,they will come back again and again, but get distracted with other things. Life goes on. Christine was right in her post about not letting her children see her upset all the time and not seeing her laugh. These sentiments are so true, they have helped me too, thanks Christine.
take care
hendy
Hello Kandi....
We're here and supporting....you have a "double whammy"...
I can only sympathise and hope for you that it will all work out..
The readers are here...any time...
Love gigi xx
We're here and supporting....you have a "double whammy"...
I can only sympathise and hope for you that it will all work out..
The readers are here...any time...
Love gigi xx
Hi Kandi, don't know what happened with my message yesterday, but what I was trying to say was yes, it probably is you, you and you (like for me it is me, me and me - only child, no friends of mum visit any more, no relatives either), so we can only do our best, pal.
Glad you enjoy the lighted up faces, make the most of it, it might not always be. Mum still knows me and enjoys my visits though I always get accused of not having been for weeks when it is only 4 days since I went, and if I leave it a week, I am told it is months since I visited. I am going away for 10 days in about 10 days, so I am not sure how she will fare with that. Last year, when she was diagnosed with AD, we had just 4 days away. The previous year we had 10 days with me with a broken wrist, the year before I spent 4 weeks in hospital with undiagnosed head pains. I'd just like my 10 days to be a rest, but I know I'll be worrying about her all the time. She won't remember that I told her I was going away. Am hoping to chivvy up a couple of remote relatives to visit while I am away.
Keep up the good work, Kandi, you are doing a grand job.
Love
Margaret
Glad you enjoy the lighted up faces, make the most of it, it might not always be. Mum still knows me and enjoys my visits though I always get accused of not having been for weeks when it is only 4 days since I went, and if I leave it a week, I am told it is months since I visited. I am going away for 10 days in about 10 days, so I am not sure how she will fare with that. Last year, when she was diagnosed with AD, we had just 4 days away. The previous year we had 10 days with me with a broken wrist, the year before I spent 4 weeks in hospital with undiagnosed head pains. I'd just like my 10 days to be a rest, but I know I'll be worrying about her all the time. She won't remember that I told her I was going away. Am hoping to chivvy up a couple of remote relatives to visit while I am away.
Keep up the good work, Kandi, you are doing a grand job.
Love
Margaret
Thankyou all!!!
Reading your responses has really helped. Thankyou. I knew I was not in a good state, but also knew I would resurface. I have had to go with my intuition, which at times, I ignore. I have visited mum & dad every day this week. Even though two visits were not good, I was glad I went. I have been keeping mum present by cooking alot of her traditional Estonian recipes. It has brought me comfort, as the taste is as good as mums. She taught me well.
I really value this site. it is a tight community. Thankyou all so much.
Kandi
Reading your responses has really helped. Thankyou. I knew I was not in a good state, but also knew I would resurface. I have had to go with my intuition, which at times, I ignore. I have visited mum & dad every day this week. Even though two visits were not good, I was glad I went. I have been keeping mum present by cooking alot of her traditional Estonian recipes. It has brought me comfort, as the taste is as good as mums. She taught me well.
I really value this site. it is a tight community. Thankyou all so much.
Kandi
Dear Kandi,
I can relate to your situation not so long ago I was walking a very similar path with my mum and dad so I can understand your difficulties. It certainly is a very trying journey and the wheels fall off from time to time. Somehow we all just soldier on with that fighting spirit and memories for me played a big part in that. I hope that the times ahead are kind to you as you have and are doing a great job supporting both parents in their time of need.
Take Care, Taffy.
I can relate to your situation not so long ago I was walking a very similar path with my mum and dad so I can understand your difficulties. It certainly is a very trying journey and the wheels fall off from time to time. Somehow we all just soldier on with that fighting spirit and memories for me played a big part in that. I hope that the times ahead are kind to you as you have and are doing a great job supporting both parents in their time of need.
Take Care, Taffy.
