In a couple of weeks my mum is going for two weeks respite in a home not far from me due to family holidays etc. I've mentioned it to her a few times trying not to mention the word "home" and just telling her it's a house run by a lady I know where they will have people to look after her. Now I'm beginning to wonder what would happen if we get there and she refuses to stay! What would we do? Long drawn out persuasion or run out and hope for the best! I don't know what to expect. Anyone else been in this position?
Respite for the first time
- Thread starter Tessi
- Start date
Morning, Tessi, haven't had your exact problem, but before OH went into respite for the first time I didn't mention anything about it until we were ready to go. I packed a bag for him, without him being aware of it, then said, you know I've not been very well recently, well the GPs told me I need a break, so I've found a place for you to go where you will be looked after.
I was suffering from carers breakdown, so it was true! I also told him I was going to stay with my cousin ( something we did every year) and he knew what a long tiresome journey it was. He was also nice enough that he would do most things to help me!
So I would stop mentioning it until nearer the time, warn the home that this is the first time and you don't know what the reaction will be, they should have someone to take care of mum straight away. It's good to go just before a meal, so they can sit down and eat straight away! You might have to go home and pack a bag for mum and hand it over later, don't forget to label everything!
Good luck
I was suffering from carers breakdown, so it was true! I also told him I was going to stay with my cousin ( something we did every year) and he knew what a long tiresome journey it was. He was also nice enough that he would do most things to help me!
So I would stop mentioning it until nearer the time, warn the home that this is the first time and you don't know what the reaction will be, they should have someone to take care of mum straight away. It's good to go just before a meal, so they can sit down and eat straight away! You might have to go home and pack a bag for mum and hand it over later, don't forget to label everything!
Good luck
Thank you Spamar. The manager told me she would arrange for two of her "nice residents" to be around when we arrive so I'm hoping that will help. Do I need to stay to help her unpack or do I go with her to show her which bedroom she's in? Not sure how long I'll be expected to stay and how much involvement from me etc.
Tessi, like you, we were nervous at leaving our PWD for the first time and even though she has been a number of times it's not always the same home. We don't stress the fact that she's going, we tell her about a week in advance & don't mention it until the day before or even on the morning itself. I think that if it's referred to too often they, PWD, pick up on our own uncertainty, just like small children do! As Spamar has said, we take her in just before lunch so that there's very quickly something for her to be distracted by.
We usually go to her room with her but leave the staff to unpack. You really don't want to hang around too long & give your Mum the chance to ask to go home.
It's not clear whether you are your Mum's main carer; if you are, then I would strongly recommend that you don't visit, you need the break. Your Mum will be safe and she'll probably see a lot more people during her stay than she usually does. If you have friends or relatives nearby then perhaps you could arrange for them to call in once or twice to see her.
We always try to send our PWD postcards or notelets, even if we're staying at home.
As well as labelling all clothes we also make an inventory of them so that when (it's always 'when') any are missing they can be described to the staff. We usually give the home a copy too. There are some brilliant name stamps you can get on line for labelling clothes.
I hope that it all works out well for you both, do let us know.
We usually go to her room with her but leave the staff to unpack. You really don't want to hang around too long & give your Mum the chance to ask to go home.
It's not clear whether you are your Mum's main carer; if you are, then I would strongly recommend that you don't visit, you need the break. Your Mum will be safe and she'll probably see a lot more people during her stay than she usually does. If you have friends or relatives nearby then perhaps you could arrange for them to call in once or twice to see her.
We always try to send our PWD postcards or notelets, even if we're staying at home.
As well as labelling all clothes we also make an inventory of them so that when (it's always 'when') any are missing they can be described to the staff. We usually give the home a copy too. There are some brilliant name stamps you can get on line for labelling clothes.
I hope that it all works out well for you both, do let us know.
It's worrying the first time but it gets easier, honest.
I never mention it until the morning, saying something like I have to go to London on a training course (and of course unless I am working, I can't earn the money to keep her with me, can I?!). She accepts that and then we are busy putting things together for her little break (I have packed a suitcase but she takes a towel from the bathroom, a pair of knickers and a nightie, all folded with her toothbrush on top. No soap, no clothes, no shoes).
The staff always welcome her with something like "Lovely to see you again, we are going to have some fun" and I've found that settling her in just before lunch is helpful because she has something to go at a set time and she will happily wander off with a staff member. I disappear once she is at lunch.
I know everyone's different but I am assured by the staff that she has never asked where I am after lunch, just settles down to watch Heartbeat (as she is living in the 50s at the moment, Heartbeat is not too much of a change for her - if I'm watching with her I spend the time spotting the wrong TV aerials, plastic guttering and the double glazing!
Hope it all goes well for you and please don't worry.
I never mention it until the morning, saying something like I have to go to London on a training course (and of course unless I am working, I can't earn the money to keep her with me, can I?!). She accepts that and then we are busy putting things together for her little break (I have packed a suitcase but she takes a towel from the bathroom, a pair of knickers and a nightie, all folded with her toothbrush on top. No soap, no clothes, no shoes).
The staff always welcome her with something like "Lovely to see you again, we are going to have some fun" and I've found that settling her in just before lunch is helpful because she has something to go at a set time and she will happily wander off with a staff member. I disappear once she is at lunch.
I know everyone's different but I am assured by the staff that she has never asked where I am after lunch, just settles down to watch Heartbeat (as she is living in the 50s at the moment, Heartbeat is not too much of a change for her - if I'm watching with her I spend the time spotting the wrong TV aerials, plastic guttering and the double glazing!
Hope it all goes well for you and please don't worry.
Hi, Tessi, good advice from others. One thing, you could photograph all her clothes and shoes, just in case something goes missing, much easier than saying ' a white blouse with blue trim'!
If you do take photos etc, don't take originals, photocopy them!
I would just leave her with the staff, they've done it all before!
If you do take photos etc, don't take originals, photocopy them!
I would just leave her with the staff, they've done it all before!
Things do tend to go walkabout in a dementia home, but if you label everything it usually finds its way back. Paranoia about handbags is very common and the carers will understand about the problem - at mums care home it was one of the things they kept a look out for (and they knew the most likely "collectors").
