How much time to spend at the crem

[Greyone]

I really enjoy visiting both my parents at the local crem (they're scattered in the same place), once a fortnight on a Friday with or just after lunch. Especially since we still have such nice weather. But last Friday a thought suddenly struck me and my mind is fascinated by the idea of spending a whole afternoon there. At the moment I usually sit and talk and then sit and talk some more, maybe watch the mourners drive past on their way out for about 30 to 40 minutes. Then after a while go and sit in the rose garden because both my parents loved roses so much.

I'd really like to know how people view their time visiting their dearly departed. After much thought and in 8 days time, I'm planning on giving it a go.

Any views on this most welcome.

 

[jaymor]

I visit early morning, love to see the rabbits out and about though they annoy me beyond belief when I see all the stalks sticking up in the pots, not a single petal in sight. They have a preference for roses. Sometimes the foxes are there too, I love to be there on my own, by my husband's tree.

It is quiet and I love that. If I can't make early morning then I go late afternoon. I am avoiding funerals though there are some late afternoon in the winter because I have to go whilst it is still light.

Edit. Sorry I did not say how often. I go when I feel I want to go maybe once a month, sometimes twice. I have gone a couple of months without going. I never go if I am feeling down, I tried that but it made me feel worse.

 

[Spamar]

I go as and when I feel necessary, though I often visit the location for other purposes. I like to feel he's around and watching over things!
But it's whatever works for you, things might change over time, and that's fine too. I only go to my parents grave once a year if I'm lucky, it's a 6 hr drive away!

 

[cragmaid]

I've been to the crem where Mum's ashes were scattered, twice since the actual funeral service. I've been to Dad and sister's crem on occasions recently only because I went to other funerals there. In my heart my family are always with me, so I do not need to make special trips to their last resting places.

We all have different, not right or wrong, ways to remember those gone before.

 

[Selinacroft]

An interesting thread- I think I'm down the far end of the scale. I didn't visit mum's grave at all for the first 7 years then I got into a pattern of visiting just long enough to lay flowers on most Christmas Eve's if I got the afternoon off work. Then Dad got ill and I have only been once or twice since. It feels like something inside me is saying - I will be back soon enough when it's Dad's time and I don't want to be there until I have to be.

I would add I'm not totally heartless but like Cragmaid I have always thought mum is with me inside me- part of me- wherever I am and I don't need to visit.

 

[Izzy]

My husband died last year. He was cremated and after a month or so I had his ashes buried in the grave where my mum and dad are. I'll be going there as well.

I grew up visiting my gran and grandad's grave every week or fortnight. My dad died 33 years ago and of course we then added his grave to our weekly/fortnightly visits. Bill started to come with me on these visits after we married. Now it's an extension of what I've always done. I visit once a fortnight to put flowers on both graves but often go in between to see Bill and just tidy. When I'm there I feel I am visiting him, not a grave. It's a very big city cemetery so it's not possible to sit anywhere near the grave and spend time there. I always speak to him when I'm doing the flowers. I always leave with damp eyes.

Like others have said you have to do what is right for you and what is manageable. At the end of the day Bill is in my heart - I don't have to go to his grave to see him or my mum and dad. Bill is with me always. If I have to miss a week or so because I'm away I just make sure that the graves are tidy and don't put flowers there. I'd rather there were no flowers than old ones.

Do what you feel is right for you.

 

[Greyone]

Hi Selinacroft

What you say greatly interests me. When my father died about 14 years ago, it felt like everything was right and I never had the need to visit him although I always thought of him and we often talk about him.

My mother died in April last year and I feel comfortable going every other Friday afternoon. I was glad we had her ashes scattered rather than buried because there isn't
a fixed point just an area around a young tree.

I was cautioned by my counsellor that grieving may take a long time because I was
living with mum for over 50 years and now I am starting to understand what she meant.
I like to go at lunch time and although I never plan when to leave the time feels right when it comes. Last week, I visited the place when babies are buried for the first time. As a mother and a nurse mum loved children and help to look after her family before starting her own. It is such a lovely peacefull place.

After visiting mum I usually go at sit in the rose garden because both my parents loved roses and gardening and now I am planning to move out of the family house I'm thinking I should have a small garden for myself. Then they could come and visit.

In my life, i am finding it best to concentrate on one thing at a time and that is why next Friday for my visit, I'll try and spend as much of the afternoon there as I feel right. I also hope that spending more time there in contemplation it will help me come to term with my loss.

Thank you so much for your post.

 

[Greyone]

Early morning, now that's an idea. Iove to watch the other funeral goers leave as they have to drive past me on their way out.
thx

 

[Greyone]

I know what you mean. My crem is just a short bus ride away and I settled on every fortnight because it was not too often but often enough to make it worthwhile. I also go when I want because I have the time and can just up and go which help we over the worse moments. But they're becoming fewer and fewer.

Thx so much.

 

[Greyone]

So true. Thank you so much for taking the time to post.

 

[Greyone]

Hi, Izzy and thanks for posting.

Manageable yes. What ever we do it has to be manageable and not a burden. I actually enjoy my visit and wandering around other parts and as I have the time I don't feel the need to rush.

As I read all the kind words and advice from people and esp what you have said I feel more inclined to make the most of the time I have now. Soon the time will come when that is not possible.

I really appreciate what you are saying thank you again.

 

[pins tony]

I really enjoy visiting both my parents at the local crem (they're scattered in the same place), once a fortnight on a Friday with or just after lunch. Especially since we still have such nice weather. But last Friday a thought suddenly struck me and my mind is fascinated by the idea of spending a whole afternoon there. At the moment I usually sit and talk and then sit and talk some more, maybe watch the mourners drive past on their way out for about 30 to 40 minutes. Then after a while go and sit in the rose garden because both my parents loved roses so much.

I'd really like to know how people view their time visiting their dearly departed. After much thought and in 8 days time, I'm planning on giving it a go.

Any views on this most welcome.

I visit every week to where my lovely wife Junes ashes are.as I place flowers and tidy up I talk to her tell here ii am rubbish at flower arranging sometimes I play her favourite song somewhere over the rainbow on my phone.sometimes it seems to bring us closer we each must do what's best for you take care all you lovely people on TP

 

[Greyone]

When I was a teenager, I guess Teddys were not manly so mum gave both of mine a home, took care of them and kept them clean for over 30 years. They were the first thing I reclaimed from her bedroom when we were clearing up and I made a point of taking them to see her so she knew I was looking after them.

During the day , they keep me company and show what good listeenrs they are. They remind me of her; quiet, kind, patient and never judging. They sit with me during the day and help me with so much. Mum used to pick them up, look at them with her quiet smile and think about her childhood. It's my turn now so that's what i do. They also help me come to terms with my loss.

This Friday is not my day to visit her, that will be next Friday. I won't be taking my teddies again in case I lose them. that would be unbearable. But to me, they represent all that is good in childhood, parents and loving. So when I visit both my parents we always talk about them.

Each week I buy some cut flowers for our front room. Mum used to like flowers and took great care arranging them. So I'm learning how to do that and how to admire them. That's the last thing I do on Friday before sitting down and think of my folks. She tried to teach me how to garden and succeeded I am sure but we never quite got as far as flower arranging.

I'm going to spend next week planning my next visit with great care. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us all.

 

[Greyone]

I am indebted to you all for sharing your thoughts with me on my question. I like my fortnightly visits because it feels a safe place to cry out and talk aloud of whatever I want to. I can do that at home on my own but it does not feel right and having such a place to go to do this is so consoling.

This morning my thoughts turn to Autumn and how it must now be time for me to move on again. My next visit will be in September when Autumn is truly at our heels and I have now thought that once a month at the weekend may often be enough for me now instead of my Friday Afternoons.

Today I have decided to spend this afternoon there. I plan to spend some time in contemplation in the rose garden because my mother alway used to say "there is nothing nicer than red or yellow and I'm sure she would appreciate. Nearby there is a space set aside for babies taken from us far too soon and being a nurse and mother that would also appeal also.

So after a while, i am with my folk and even when the talking stops, just sitting there is so consoling with the thought that today I need not run away too soon. For a while, I take my leave and wander some more around and visit some of the other gardens and look in on the book of remembrance. By Wandering around I see different aspects of the garden which gives me different thoughts and soon materialising back with my folks a thought suddenly strikes...

My sister and I lived at the family home till our mother died. One thing my counsellor reminded me of was that it had been far better for us to be at home to make it easy for us to care for our mother, than living away from home on our own or with our own families and suffer the additional anguish of not being there. And now I must agree with her for that and regardless of the consequences of either, be grateful for the reminder.

So with that final thought, i am content and I will say once again be grateful to you all for sharing your thoughts. Thank you.